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Fighting thru depression. I feel like I have every reason to be proud of myself and excited for the future, but life seems to whack me in the face with another shitload of problems (that aren't necessarily in my control, but will heavily impact my lifestyle negatively if they go haywire). The things I want to control aren't in my control, and that urge has been so insufferable and making me miserable.

Logically things that are within my control are going well for me, but I'm self sabotaging and then resenting myself for not doing more than I can right now lol. Like I'm stuck in my bed or spacing out: I don't even know what makes me happy right now. Can't think of play, only work.

For example, doing a design volunteer project. Technically got promoted to design manager. I'd rather not take the promotion when I feel like shit, but it's also like, take the opportunity because resume for a soon to be grad will look nice. (Didn't have much of a choice though because we're halfway through the project, and need a design manager, so it would've happened either way...) But it's like pulling my teeth just to get stuff done... And somehow I'm still one of the more active people on the project aghhhhhh—

But yay, on the resume, I guess. I'm just lacking a lot of motivation right now. Part of me feels spoiled for not feeling grateful for this opportunity, but I keep arguing with myself that my health matters.

Idk. I was supposed to have a psych appointment to get antidepressants, but there's was a clerical error that pushed it out a month. Wonderful. I'm just trying to survive each hour as best I can. Rant over.

Dunno how much of this made sense, my brain feels so dumb right now.

I hope that, wherever anyone in is life right now, they're holding on. Seems rough for most folks right now and... Frankly I suck at encouragement, but the one thing helping me hold on is knowing I'm not alone in this feeling, and that there are people out there who are supportive. Maybe it's not obvious who's out there, but I believe there are supportive people out there nonetheless.

My mum is starting chemo today. Wish us luck!

having a baaaad bpd week. oscillating between deleting all my social accounts or instead becoming 'a posting/reply guy'.

I live in the United States of America, North America.

"how's your week going, Beehaw"?

My week is going shit, deeper into Hell every day since March 2013.

Here in USA people are so addicted to fiction bullshit, falsehoods, fake garbage, artificial intelligence sludge, Donald Trump entertainment fiction storytelling, it is hell deeper and deeper digging every hour of every day. Social media ate my nation's face.

My week is worse than last week as it has been every day since March 2013 when it all started.

So far, so meh. Talked with my mom yesterday and got an update about how my dad is doing in his nursing home. Apparently badly, as he's been banned from the dining room for spitting up food on his way out and refusing to use a napkin.

Sorta feels like the endgame. In lighter news, mom realized she'd sent half the expected amount to start the month, so I live to eat another day. It's so weird, being accustomed to having all manner of food in the pantry in a previous life, to realize that there really isn't anything left.

I turn 46 on Friday, but I have nothing to celebrate.

Someone on the town crew was out with the boom flail mower, mowing on the sides of the road. Ostensibly, it's to keep the drainage channels clear and to reduce plants from reaching out into the road. Guy mowed my entire front row of ferns, skipped some lilies, then mowed down my flowering and decorative grasses. At one point, he must have lifted the boom to avoid an Iris, but then brought it back down on another flowering grass in the middle of my front gardens. They'll survive, but my front garden is going to look destroyed for a few weeks at least while they recover.

In more positive news, we had some friends and their son visit on Sunday. My wife took the other ladies around to walk in the gardens at one point while I was cooking - I found out later that we're part of the inspiration for some folks who are looking to start a sober living space!

Yesterday my wife and I went to my best friend's place. Our old friend, a neuroscientist formally pursuing her postdoc in Texas before all science lost its funding is staying with my best friend now. We ate Taco Bell, smoked weed, read Homestuck and cursed the government by candlelight. Is this community building?

Mega contrast of social interactions. Now nearly for 2 months I needed a lot of alone time reflecting and collecting myself after a breakup..

Then this week is suddenly mega full where I'm attending my first career convention, meeting tons of new people at the same time having a blast talking about tech stuff. None of my (IRL) friends are into tech, so it feels nice to talk to someone on the same wavelength there.

Then also this week, looking for apartments, also meeting new people in that scope too..

Then ALSO this week I'm getting visited by 2 friends in the weekend..

Just.. oh my god.. I guess I'm finally finding myself back on track where things should be. But damn the contrast is so hard I can't stop smiling both internally and externally