this post was submitted on 13 Jul 2025

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479

Trust your gut instinct ALWAYS (reddthat.com)

submitted 3 days ago by LadyButterfly@reddthat.com to c/womensstuff@piefed.blahaj.zone

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[–] Almonds@mander.xyz 33 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

The last time I wasn't polite to a man he threatened to ruin my life, drive me out of my home, kill my dog, etc. All I did was throw his stuff back into his yard, stuff he had thrown into my driveway. Yeah, that was my next door neighbor. And he won, I'm selling my house at a loss and fucking my credit just to get away from him

Edit: a couple months before that he tried to break into my house because he wanted something and I wasn't answering the door. And a few months before that he had literally pushed his way into my house following me in. Some people are nuts, and so need to be treated carefully. I was just completely at my limit with him, and should have called for backup before that confrontation that pissed him off

[–] klemptor@startrek.website 15 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Holy shit, that's terrifying. I'm sorry you have to go to such lengths as moving away to feel safe! :(

[–] Almonds@mander.xyz 16 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Thank you. I took him to court last summer, and my lawyer got him to agree to just leave me alone until I graduate uni and could leave. But this dude wouldn't, every time I walked outside he did everything he could to make me go back in. He was actually stalking me at school too, I'd walk out of a building and see him leaning on my car. So I was checking it for damage and trackers daily. There's actual damage to my house now, but it's not like I can go out there and fix it...

The cops have been less than helpful, saying "that's on public property" or "well, we can't really tell what his intentions are, have you talked to a therapist?". Finally last month I got one to admit to me that they aren't interested in charging him with anything, including violating the restraining order. So, I don't really have a choice, there is no protection for me here

[–] klemptor@startrek.website 9 points 2 days ago

Holy fuck. This is psycho behavior and fuck the goddamn police for refusing to do their fucking jobs. As far as I'm concerned that makes them complicit with whatever this psycho decides to do. This is the exact thing restraining orders are for! I'm so sorry you're dealing with this and please stay safe any way you can. 🤍

[–] ZDL@lazysoci.al 20 points 2 days ago (3 children)

And as expected men pipe up with their all-important view in a community where they're explicitly not welcome.

Fucking HELL is Lemmy toxic!

[–] ZDL@lazysoci.al 11 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Two more came in to comment on the comment that pointed out men commenting aren't allowed.

Are they really that stupid? Or are they just that fucking arrogant?

[–] LadyButterfly@reddthat.com 12 points 2 days ago (2 children)

You can play manosphere bingo with it.

"What about men???" "STOP OPPRESSING MEEEEE" "Men are the real victims" <Piles on because it's feminist/acknowledging male violence/about a women's issue etc>

If we played a drinking game we'd be drunk in minutes

[–] frenchfryenjoyer@lemmings.world 4 points 1 day ago (1 children)

was browsing Lemmy for a while before I signed up to get an idea of the ins and outs and the culture so to speak. the amount of this on articles to do with women was just staggering and maddening! like if a woman said she felt uncomfortable because a man was following her everywhere and harassing her, these people would deffo respond with something like "what about men feeling uncomfortable?"

[–] LadyButterfly@reddthat.com 4 points 1 day ago

Yep! It's immediately "but what about men" or "Not All Men!" It's exhausting

[–] ZDL@lazysoci.al 3 points 2 days ago (1 children)

A few minutes' reading here some days and I'd welcome being piss drunk in five minutes. Just to make the pain go away.

I have some lovely hooch for that as well. Made from sweet potato and liquified flame. At 53%ABV (106 proof).

Momma's takin' a shot when she gets home for dinner!

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[–] Beebabe@lemmy.world 46 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Gosh I’m so ashamed I did this the other day..I’m old but conditioning is powerful. I made the egregious error of wearing short sleeves on a 100 degree day. Older man approached me and initiated a conversation about my ink. Then asked me about “where the rest of them were” with the whole up and down look. Then told me about his ass tattoo. This was in the freezer section at fucking Walmart. And I was with my daughter. And I’m old. Just let me look at my French fries in peace.

[–] AlecSadler@lemmy.blahaj.zone 15 points 3 days ago (1 children)

This makes me angry at that man and I'm sorry you have to deal with shit like this.

[–] Beebabe@lemmy.world 8 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Thanks for the sentiment. It’s not too common thankfully.

[–] LaunchesKayaks@lemmy.world 7 points 2 days ago

Had a client sexually harass me on a recorded work call (he knew it was recorded because I told him when the call started), and I reported it to my boss. My boss sent the recording to the client's boss and the guy was fired the next day. I terminated his access to everything and it felt so good. I'd never been spoken to in such a disgusting way before that. Gave me the ICK

[–] chonglibloodsport@lemmy.world 26 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago)

Politeness is a defence mechanism. It’s a way of creating social boundaries and when two people are polite to each other there’s a mutual respect for one another’s boundaries.

Never feel guilty about being polite and then making a quick exit when someone is trying to transgress your boundaries. The alternative, confrontation, does not offer you much to gain but risks an embarrassing blow-up or even worse.

Remember: it’s never your responsibility to socialize other people (unless they’re literally your own young children).

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 18 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (2 children)

I worry with the "trust your gut" thing. When you're wary be wary, but preexisting prejudices can and do influence this and do need to be examined and challenged. Noping out of a situation is always ok, and if force to do so is needed to have your demands to step away respected that's what it takes, but a gut feeling is not evidence of danger, but a suspicion of it and that distinction is crucial.

Trusting your gut as evidence of danger sometimes ends in tragedy as this incident shows. This woman was visiting El Paso, saw road signs for Mexico (El Paso and Ciudad Juarez share a metropolitan area), thought she was being kidnapped, and killed her driver.

We currently live in an era of high fear and social distrust alongside low crime rates.

[–] ZDL@lazysoci.al 8 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Quick question: How many times do tragedies like the one you linked occur? How many times do tragedies occur because women were not paying attention to that inner voice saying "this guy is a creep"?

[–] captainlezbian@lemmy.world 13 points 2 days ago (1 children)

I have no idea and I'm not saying to ignore that voice, I'm urging people to remember that when dealing with "this guy's a creep" feelings thats a gut feeling, not evidence that he's done anything actually wrong. I still remove myself from those situations too. I give strange men berth on the sidewalk and if they're speaking to themselves I adjust my route to avoid them. I rarely respond to strange men who speak to me even. But I keep in mind that my fear of someone doesn't indicate wrongdoing on their part.

The fear of women in privileged classes is used as justification for violence against members of marginalized groups. Here's a JSTOR link to a 2002 paper on it in racial contexts. Straight and cis women's fear is used to discriminate against gay and trans women.

Calls for people to remember proportionality in fear responses are intersectionally valuable. So, if you are scared, remove yourself from the situation with escalating force if needed, but I will again reiterate the need to remember that our gut feelings are not evidence that someone did anything wrong or had any intent to. If they try to stop you from leaving, that is something wrong that they're doing, if they follow you as you flee, thats something wrong they're doing.

[–] ZDL@lazysoci.al 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Well, yes. Don't start with gunfire.

But that's pretty much not an issue in most of the world. Most people don't open up with gunfire. That's a problem in a very, very, very small number of nations on the planet.

[–] LadyButterfly@piefed.blahaj.zone 4 points 2 days ago

Yep there's a world of difference between "I'm gonna exit" and shooting someone in the head. Plus we only have her word that's what happened, he can't tell us

[–] LadyButterfly@reddthat.com 4 points 2 days ago

I see it differently. Our brain takes in a lot of information that our mind doesn't consciously register and it tells us through gut instinct. If it's a strong gut instinct rather than a niggly concern or anxiety then go with it.

[–] Boomkop3@reddthat.com 16 points 3 days ago (4 children)

Isn't that true for any gender?

[–] gift_of_gab@lemmy.world 23 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (13 children)

Not in my experience. The amount of 'wow, I was just...' responses I've had from men when I am out and femme (I'm AMAB non-binary) truly stunned me. I was dropping off stuff at a thrift store, and as I walked through the door an older man held it open for me, then grabbed my lower back to 'guide' me forward. I spun around into a boxing guard, and the guy looked horrified at me (as did most people in the store) and then he said something that made it all make sense to me, in a truly awful way.

"Oh I'm sorry lad, I thought you were a girl!"

[–] klemptor@startrek.website 11 points 2 days ago

Ugh I haaaaate when men touch me to 'guide' me. Like obviously they wouldn't do that to a dude (which the older guy in your story pretty much admitted) so what makes them think it's OK to do to us?

Or. When they hold a door and expect you to scoot under their outstretched arm. Wtf is that all about, I'm not a child!

[–] LadyButterfly@reddthat.com 10 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Oh fucking hell what an absolute dickhead!! It's really shitty mate how are you feeling?

[–] gift_of_gab@lemmy.world 11 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

I'm better now, this was almost a year ago now, but it was early into me being 'out' as femme, but thank you for asking :)

Honestly, it's not nearly as bad as the guys who fucking follow you to 'get a better look'. I was waiting to cross a street, cars at my left, and as I started crossing suddenly a face appeared about six inches from my face and craned his neck in front of me to look at my face, had a sudden shocked look - and realised I was AMAB and then speed-walked to my right down the street.

I got home and sobbed for about 30 minutes because I realised that girls deal with this shit all the time. Little girls! I've had guys follow me out of stores, hold doors open to look at my ass, then follow me and take pictures with their fucking phones. Seriously how the fuck do you guys deal with this all the time? I fought my way through elementary and high school as a (EDIT: 5th percentile for weight, IE. I was under 100 pounds in grade 8, my bad!) boy, but it was nothing compared to this.

[–] LadyButterfly@reddthat.com 8 points 2 days ago (2 children)

Yep, and that's the awful thing about it. You get so many men creeping after you when you're a fucking child, and you just get used to it. Luckily for me it's died off a lot as I got older but the sad thing is we just accept it as part of our life.

[–] gift_of_gab@lemmy.world 5 points 2 days ago

One of my younger cousins is also enby (AMAB) and has always looked very feminine, and they came to me in tears because they kept getting sexually assaulted working at a Department store. Guys would grab their ass, one guy 'lightly' slapped their ass, touch their shoulder, one guy even kissed them because they 'looked like they wanted it.' After dry heaving for a minute, I just cried with them for the next hour.

I'm so sorry you all have had to, and continue to deal with this. Especially with fascism taking hold, I'm so worried for all of you. I walk my children's friends to the bus stop, and I hate that for the first time I feel like I really have to. We all need to form protective groups now and I hate it.

I'm so sorry, everyone, it's not fair or just.

[–] klemptor@startrek.website 4 points 2 days ago

The invisibility that comes with aging has its appeal!

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[–] pooberbee@lemmy.ml 12 points 2 days ago

Yes, but this community is a women's space, so posts are focused as such.

[–] apotheotic@beehaw.org 10 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Yeah, but women (and feminine presenting people in general) are the ones who are told they are being rude and overreacting when they try to voice this.

[–] thisisnotgoingwell@programming.dev 4 points 2 days ago* (last edited 2 days ago) (1 children)

I do think women being rude for no reason is wildly misunderepresented just because a man really has no recourse. Last time I was in Costa Rica(my country of birth) I had been socializing and getting to know people and danced with a couple strangers, got some Instagrams, etc. it was a dance club in a very touristy area so it had a mix of locals and foreigners. I said hi to a girl that was in a corner by herself and she screamed "get the fuck away from me." I had never been spoken to like that by a stranger and I wanted to tell her that's not an appropriate response when you're visiting a country that isn't yours(she was clearly Asian-American). If she had spoken like that to someone who's mentally unstable or is one of those "scary locals" she's probably afraid of she might end up in a dumpster somewhere. I just walked away and tried to forget about it, didn't even respond to her, but I still think about it from time to time. A lot of the time, your perceptions will influence reality and if you live your life with the assumption that guys are creeps well you might end up being rude to someone who has nothing to lose.

[–] apotheotic@beehaw.org 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

No. What happened here is that she was not comfortable with your presence and you simply do not know why. You have no idea why she was in a corner by herself. You have no idea why she told you to get the fuck away.

I had never been spoken to like that by a stranger and I wanted to tell her that’s not an appropriate response when you’re visiting a country that isn’t yours(she was clearly Asian-American).

What authority do you think you have that should allow you to tell some stranger in a club what an appropriate way to voice their desire for you to go away is?

If she had spoken like that to someone who’s mentally unstable or is one of those “scary locals” she’s probably afraid of she might end up in a dumpster somewhere.

This is a horrifying way to express this sentiment. Like, "she might end up in a dumpster somewhere" honestly sounds like you've thought about it. If this is how you come across in general then I can understand why some people may not feel comfortable.

[–] thisisnotgoingwell@programming.dev 2 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Feminists will do everything except take accountability lol. Imagine if the roles were reversed and a girl said hi to me and my response was "get the fuck away from me." You would say that I shouldn't be somewhere that I'm not comfortable in.

The whole "you have thought about it" shit is weak too. This is what your feminist afraid of everything bubble causes, for innocent people to get caught in the wake of you not being able to be an adult and simply express your concerns like a grown up. https://www.wfaa.com/article/news/crime/community-grieves-slain-uber-driver-tahirou-diallo/287-b807d567-0333-4f61-821f-1e2da8c8e18f

The biggest comfort is that you're in the minority despite your holier than thou attitude. Keep living in fear of shadows, the world isn't as ugly as you think it is except for people like you.

[–] apotheotic@beehaw.org 6 points 2 days ago

Unhinged response

No, I wouldn't say you shouldn't be somewhere that you're not comfortable in.

The rest of your anti-feminist shadow boxing exercise just serves to illustrate my point.

"Feminists will do anything except take accountability" TIL you're a feminist.

Also this is a women only community, kindly go elsewhere to be a Nice Guy.

[–] Greercase@lemmus.org 5 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Don't all lives matter? /s

[–] Boomkop3@reddthat.com 3 points 2 days ago

I don't think racist apologetics are a good idea here

[–] Brainsploosh@lemmy.world 11 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Honestly, women don't owe anyone to be polite at all, let them do as they want.

[–] Trail@lemmy.world 15 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Of course they fucking do. Everyone should be polite by default. If someone misbehaves, they lose the right to receive politeness.

[–] Brainsploosh@lemmy.world 4 points 2 days ago (1 children)

Why? You don't know their life, why do you get to decide how they should act and to whom?

You are ofc welcome to choose that approach for yourself, as mostly do I. But telling anyone what to do, especially on the flimsy base of gender, seems callous.

[–] Trail@lemmy.world 3 points 1 day ago

I don't know and don't care about their life, and it is not gender specific. All humans that are part of a society should be polite by default. What I am saying is that I don't see the reason that women should be exempt.

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