Commendable that you want to help, but the software needs to handle dead installations as there is no possible way to enforce people to decommission. :) Might be worth dropping just to help the use case of how this gets handled. I feel like you did everything you could.
this post was submitted on 04 Jul 2023
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This is a wild guess, but have you tried hacking your proxy to return 410 GONE
for the ActivityPub endpoints? A well behaved system is supposed to interpret that response as meaning that the resource is gone forever and to stop trying. I have no idea how Lemmy will respond, but it might be a step along the way to disappearing the endpoints once you've run out of other ideas to see if the rate announcements starts to fall off.
There is a PR on GitHub that implements checks towards all the federated instances and those who doesn't respond for a few days will be marked as stale and the instance will stop sending updates to them