HexaSnoot

What sites could I use? Torrenting not ideal. I'm not even sure what a torrent is.

To not have the question of who's to blame hanging over every situation.

I grew up in a very abusive household. Where the question of "who's to dole out punishment on" was at the end of nearly every little situation. Looking back, it was excuses for authority figures to get violent over nonsense "blame/deserve/not deserve" rules. The liberal ideology of "This is just the way it is, and if it isn't, then it's X's fault and they deserve violence. Don't think about it, you dirty thinker. Critique of this system deserves violence." This zero thought produced harmful black and white thinking in me. It also led me to thinking I deserved endless violence and "that's just the way it is." They were always holding back being violent all the time or they let themselves go for it under what was actually their self-excusing system.

A good parent should teach you to ask "who/what caused this" and interrogate everything you can.

I've done lots of radical body positivity and like my body when fat. But I can't bring myself to like fat on my face.

I grew up not liking my face. When I look in the mirror, I sometimes try imagining the Fallout 4 video game menu where you have to customize a face in fine pixels. Most people's natural faces in real life would look stellar in the game. Natural-looking is simply stellar in Fallout.

This method seems to stop working for me when I notice the fat on my face. It makes me sad.

When people are looking for friends. Someone told me it was rude that a person I just met left after 20 minutes. They say at an hour is courteous unless something horrific happens.

(It may be worth noting that I look female, this person is male, and we exchanged contact info before I mentioned my boyfriend later in the conversation.)

It's been several days and no contact.

I had a dream that I planted the most delicious fruit(some kind of spikey lychee) but it got so big I couldn't reach high enough to harvest it. I felt an immense amount of guilt. The lack of control over my responsibility. Fruitflies galore from unmanaged fruit. Being punished for it somehow because my family punished me over nonsensical things, simply for the joy of of abusing and controlling me. To the point I was trained to automatically control myself without them needing to punish me anymore.

I had to keep the entire house so neat and tidy that it made me want to scream everyday. Or else punishment for not being a good servant. I wasn't allowed hobbies, and if they let me do anything I liked, it was to keep me more on edge because they would go "see you can't handle this. Now we're taking it away forever. You will never be allowed again. Also you're being punished for not keeping a picture perfect job at this thing we gave you the PRIVILEGE of doing!"

I think this is about my need to escape my old programming. I love the idea of planting fruit trees. However I can't get over fear of lack of control over how big and fruitful they may get. I would like to stop feeling guilty. I love plants and homegrown food and I'd like to let go of control over how big plants can get. And let go of the possibility of some excess rotting food. Just let it happen, you know?

Naturalist remedies are popular in China. So I figure fungus(LSD and shrooms) and weed could be among the first psychedelics that will be legally distributed. I have no idea how far in the future.

The word is in entertainment a lot. Outside the context of slavery, it still triggers me. For example, I'm watching a show called Gyeongseong Creature, and characters keep saying "Master Jang." (A protagonist.) He's an ultra rich guy who owns a pawn shop. He's constantly acknowledged as if he's an authority figure. I don't have enough context about Korean culture to understand when and why people get the label "Master." It just sucks to hear.

It would help if hearing "master" and observing severe sucking up didn't feel so visceral.

He made the Birds Nest Olympic stadium in Beijing so he'll be brought up forever.

I was introduced to his work as a kid and people seem to always mention him and his work just to say "China bad." Everytime I try to listen to why it just sounds like grey unlistenable sludge. Partially because I don't know much about history in general so I don't know what the mentioned parts of Chinese history are about. My final reason to give up is because I know much/all of what I hear is probably whitewashed propaganda. If he indeed has good criticism, I don't trust Western media to not twist his words out of their original meaning.

If so, how so? I hope it doesn't because love how the song sounds.

Tbh idk what Zionism even is. I just judge from news that a lot of them, maybe up to all of them, support Israel. Feel free to educate me.

Maybe it's common in China and I just didn't spot it.

And are they generally far left?