Jikal

"Would you like to sign up for our awful credit card?" Nah. "Would you like to sign up for a free trial of our plus service that you'll never use?" No thanks. "Do you want the X month protection plan for your USB drive that's 10x the cost of what you're paying today?" What? No. "Would you like to donate to this charity the company totally could but won't but say we raised all this money for?" Nope.

"No, no. We 'bought' your debt. You work for Arby's now."

No-bake cookies with Splenda instead of sugar. My wife made some and they turned out looking amazing, but had the taste of Bitrex. Absolutely foul.

5 Watt laser pointer and etch dicks onto every wooden surface I see

If his head falls into a bowl of milk with a color changing spoon I'd love it even more

Spacewar

Tuning to G4 and there's a 90% chance it's either COPS or Cheaters

And you could tell from the sound if it was gonna connect at a good rate too

I'd wait for it to finally sleep and figure out a way to break it loose from the arena just for the lulz

I'm in my 40s and married with a kid and I'll be the first to admit that I'm winging it. We're all just that same little kid we were but in an adult body trying to figure out the world. I did get called sir by a younger co-worker and I made them swear to never say it again. Just call me dude or something lol

Orc: "Y'all lil fellers in the wrong gotdam place I reckon. You boys jus' git on up in them rocks and take them panties right off."

They just need to add commercials for Premium that have horns or police sirens and they'll be all set