Sasha

OP You should watch (or read if you like manga) Fire Force. The hook is that people randomly catch fire and society kinda has to deal with it, it's a fun show.

And yeah it's cooler than funerals, the Fire Force brings along nuns to pray for the person when they need to put them out.

Just had my first psych session in a while today, I'd tried to start it a while ago to stop things getting where they are now. Instead I'm just focussing on recovery, it'll be weird to look back on this one day and realise I feel okay again.

I've had a few very scary experiences, a second visit to the ER and lots of revelations about myself. I'll live, but learning to live with myself is going to take a while. My one lifting thought is that I'll be a better person for this, but it should never have had to come at such a cost.

If anyone else is going through stuff rn, I'm so sorry. Do what you can to take care of yourself, seek support and most of all try to be kind to yourself. I know how you feel, and I'm sorry.

Wide angle lense go brrrrr

I'm just being silly, but I mean that if everything can be represented as a matrix then there's a point of view where things like complex numbers are just "names" of specific matrices and the rules that apply to those "names" are just derived from the relevant matrix operations.

Essentially I'm saying that the normal form is an abstract short hand notation of the matrix representation. The matrices are of course significantly harder and more confusing to work with, but in some cases the richness of that structure is very beautiful and insightful.

(I'm particularly in love with the fact one can derive spinors and their transforms purely from the spacetime/Lorentz transforms. It's a really satisfying exercise and it's some beautiful algebra/group theory.)

Matrix representations in general, if that counts?

Complex numbers, polynomials, the derivative operator, spinors etc. they're all matrices. Numbers are just shorthand labels for certain classes of matrices, fight me.

👎

It's been an absolutely terrible week, I wish I'd worked out what was happening sooner so I didn't have to face this alone.

That sounds like it was such a hard journey, I'm proud of you for stepping up and taking responsibility for yourself. I definitely understand feeling cursed, I've had plenty of nights crying wondering who was controlling me and ruining my life, it's so hard.

I've only once ended up with really intense feelings for someone I wasn't seeing, and it was pretty rough. I never told them but we're very close friends now, I'm really glad it worked out, I don't know what I'd do if I'd been this bad back then.

HRT has definitely felt like I'm redoing my teenage years, everything's brand new and I've no idea how to do so many things anymore. I feel like all the memories of life before HRT belong to someone else, it's such a bizarre experience and nothing ever prepared me for this.

Thank you for your story, that's very brave of you to share and it helped me a little.

Oh thanks, that's a useful insight I didn't know that about ADHD. I'd read a little saying treating ADHD could relieve BPD but that doesn't seem to be the case for me haha.

Yeah the AuDHD trans thing is painfully real, it's me to a T. It's been really nice having an emotional range that I hadn't felt since before puberty, but it's also a big challenge to learn to live this way and to feel so much more vulnerable and fragile.

Thank you for sharing your story, I really appreciate it.

I'm so sorry, the political landscape is absurdly difficult for so many of us right now, we're all thinking of you down here.

Thank you for sharing and I'm sorry that you're having such a tough time.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it. I've been pretty lucky and my old psychologist had space for another client so I get to resume with someone I already trust and who was there to help me through all my previous relationship trauma. I'm in good hands.

I'll absolutely be completely honest, I've no real reason to hide anything anyway, I'm pretty dedicated to being happy.

Oh I'm booked in with my old therapist as of today, we'll be starting soon. Thanks for the concern, I'll be staying with family for a while so I'll be okay.

And btw hrt has still given me mostly very positive mental changes, as fucked as this has been I don't regret starting one bit.

When I first started hrt things were more or less totally fine, I was thriving honestly, good times. But then shit started slipping away, I could barely keep up at work and didn't have enough executive function to relax in any way. I lived like that for a bit over a year, eventually after a long search I got an ADHD diagnosis and started meds, so things have been a lot better. It was definitely a wake up call that mentally stuff was changing a lot more than I'd anticipated.

The suspected BPD is new. I've had shitty relationships and stuff in the past, I've exhibited a lot of behaviour that I'm now able to manage completely fine thanks to a decent bit of therapy, until recently. It seems I've got a very specific trigger, I was mostly able to keep things under control for a long time, but I didn't get to see my partner for an extended time because he was sick and I couldn't visit for entirely valid reasons. I stayed a night in an ER under observation, came out feeling better for a bit and started trying to fix myself up. It worked for a while, I was doing a lot better and improving my life, but then there was a perfect storm and it pushed me to a point where I couldn't recognise that I was making really bad decisions, nothing I've ever experienced before. I've no idea how to cope with fucking up so badly, I've just lost someone that meant a lot to me and now I'm alone and can't stop my brain. This is totally new, I've never ended a relationship while still in love, I've never had any fear of abandonment this strong and I've never idolised someone to this point. I've no clue if it's from the hrt, purely trauma or something else like the ADHD meds or just stress.

It sucks.