Oh I'm booked in with my old therapist as of today, we'll be starting soon. Thanks for the concern, I'll be staying with family for a while so I'll be okay.
And btw hrt has still given me mostly very positive mental changes, as fucked as this has been I don't regret starting one bit.
When I first started hrt things were more or less totally fine, I was thriving honestly, good times. But then shit started slipping away, I could barely keep up at work and didn't have enough executive function to relax in any way. I lived like that for a bit over a year, eventually after a long search I got an ADHD diagnosis and started meds, so things have been a lot better. It was definitely a wake up call that mentally stuff was changing a lot more than I'd anticipated.
The suspected BPD is new. I've had shitty relationships and stuff in the past, I've exhibited a lot of behaviour that I'm now able to manage completely fine thanks to a decent bit of therapy, until recently. It seems I've got a very specific trigger, I was mostly able to keep things under control for a long time, but I didn't get to see my partner for an extended time because he was sick and I couldn't visit for entirely valid reasons. I stayed a night in an ER under observation, came out feeling better for a bit and started trying to fix myself up. It worked for a while, I was doing a lot better and improving my life, but then there was a perfect storm and it pushed me to a point where I couldn't recognise that I was making really bad decisions, nothing I've ever experienced before. I've no idea how to cope with fucking up so badly, I've just lost someone that meant a lot to me and now I'm alone and can't stop my brain. This is totally new, I've never ended a relationship while still in love, I've never had any fear of abandonment this strong and I've never idolised someone to this point. I've no clue if it's from the hrt, purely trauma or something else like the ADHD meds or just stress.
It sucks.
Ah ya beat me to it! I almost shouted "that's a D class!"
Yeah that's it lol, I like feeding people.
It's not really the reason, but she was at least part of what drew me to it, and it's really funny tbh
I've never played PaRappa or Lammy, but I love Milkcan's one album so damn much, Millenium Girl has never failed to cheer me up, even on my worst days.
I redesigned my entire living room and listened to a lot of Courtney Barnett this week. I don't really know what to make of anything, I'm just trying to be better than I was.
Starting singing lessons in a couple of days, so hopefully that goes well.
The reds where I live come to rallies to recruit people into a very cult like group that constantly demands money from it's members, to sell expensive tickets to meetings and their newspaper, even when we make a point to say no stalls are welcome and to not profit off of our work. They're very icky and I feel very bad for the students they recruit because they get all the flack for being duped.
Looking at it from a quantum field perspective, pretty much. If the only interactions are through gravity then the underlying field's evolution can't be influenced by anything else, I have no real idea what the implications of that would be because we don't have a QFT for gravity.
I love queer. I liked it anyway, but a book I've been reading made a strong case for embracing it as being defined in it's opposition to societal norms, its useful and imo desirable to define it this way. Queer culture is not something I want to see assimilated out of existence, and I sure don't want to pretend like liberty can be achieved by disappearing into some liberal imitation of cishet culture.
I love that for me, being queer means being radical, demanding better for everyone, loving and supporting each other and giving everyone the chance to be their genuine selves, we don't demand conformity. Pride means celebrating being ourselves, with no compromises and no apologies.
Thanks again, I really appreciate it. I've been pretty lucky and my old psychologist had space for another client so I get to resume with someone I already trust and who was there to help me through all my previous relationship trauma. I'm in good hands.
I'll absolutely be completely honest, I've no real reason to hide anything anyway, I'm pretty dedicated to being happy.