Has anyone watched the new episode from First Thought/JT?

This happened a few days ago when I was going to do my taxes with my mom and stepdad. We were talking about my home life and school and whatnot, and they asked me what I wanted to do once I got my credentials. I was vague about it and just straight up told them I don’t like to talk about my future endeavours, but what I did tell them was that I was following in the footsteps of people I admire and hope to achieve what they have. They understood this and thought that was a fine thing to do, although they don’t know the people I admire so maybe their opinions would change, then again I don’t think they’d mind either. Anyway this conversation led to my mother saying how she was talking to my stepdad about me being a communist (I “came out” to her a month ago) and my ideals and how now she believes she might be a communist too.

Her reasoning was that she believes in equality, hates how wealth is currently distributed, and stuff like that. She then said she doesn't believe a waitress should be paid more than a doctor but the wealth disparity should not be as large as it is. My stepdad then brought up Cuba as an example, they both recently (ish) visited and said that waitresses in Cuba get paid more than doctors because they receive tips. He also said that their tour guide was an engineer who did tours on the side to make tips.

He’s made comments about Cuba before a while back during a conversation about how doctors who immigrate to Canada can’t work as doctors, I then brought up how amazing Cuban doctors are and how they are exported to help in other countries. My stepdad then said that Cuban doctors aren’t allowed to leave Cuba and are essentially extorted by the government (something about how the doctor’s family will be “held hostage” in Cuba if the doctor tries to leave). I was confused by this comment but just brushed it off because what? I’ve never heard of this before and I was not about to entertain it.

Anyway, back to the present, while my mom calls herself a full communist my stepdad says he thinks he’s in the middle because he likes the freedom capitalism grants but hates the inequality. I didn’t say anything but in my head all I could think was “that is an inherent trait of capitalism, though.” My mom says she wants people to be equal and my stepdad made a weird comment about the “Great Reset,” which I don’t know much about but isn’t it a conspiracy theory? He said something about how they are trying to make everyone “equal” so they can’t own property or something like that. I didn’t say anything to this, I didn’t even push him to tell me more. This was just weird all around haha. Again, I didn’t push them on any of this because I am trying to pick and choose my battles very carefully.

I know my stepdad has apparently been doing research into how rich people actually get rich (my immediate thought was “exploitation”) and he is trying to do just that. He is very “obsessed” with becoming rich and with that he is trying to pursue real estate… Like become a landlord company. I have talked about this quite a while ago, maybe a year? And it still bothers me. I don’t feel personally at fault for this and I don't feel like a hypocrite anymore but this endeavour does mess with me. Thankfully my negative feelings are not lingering, not as much as they used to, but whenever it is talked about I can’t help but feel bad. They told me one day I would inherit this business and I straight up said I don’t think I was interested in that, like at all. They are fine with that, thankfully. I know they want to buy a property close to whichever schools I end up going to for my masters and PhD as they want to both help me as much as they can and do their business thing.

In any case I love my parents but sometimes they confuse the hell out of me.

I thought this would be interesting to share with everyone on the Grad. My school life and family life are weird as hell.

Fun Fact! My mom also loves history documentaries and seems to have a vested and sympathetic interest in the Romanovs (she said Nick was a great dad and how they died was so sad), so her calling herself a communist is a little funny to me but I am more than happy giving her the benefit of the doubt considering all the docs she watches are super western and propagandized to hell. Maybe I can find a documentary that tells the true story about the Romanovs and share it with her.

My professor even gave me an extension too and I was sure I’d finish it with relative quality but my grandma screwed over those plans and now I’m on the day before the due date freaking out since I have yet to actually write about the genocidal actions taken against the Donbas. I sent a lot on my intro going over what definition i was going to use (thee UN) and then did an overview of Euromaidan, every time I sat down to write my stomach would ache and I’d feel physically ill. That’s why I asked for the extension, I thought two extra days would be enough but instead of using that time effectively to talk about the far right and the Donbas (and whether the actions taken are genocidal) Ive been having to cater to my grandmas whims even though I told her I didn’t want to do any work around the house because of school. She clearly doesn't take my academics seriously as this whole weekend and Monday Ive been bossed around the whole time and have barely been able to do much of anything for my paper passed Euromaidan. My cousin is also visiting which has my dog acting up and that just means everyone is yelling at me even more. This paper is a disaster and I know its not going to be the quality I had hoped it would be. No one ever leaves me alone when I need it an I can’t ask my professor for an extra day, that would be embarrassing. It’s due tomorrow and all I can hope for is he doesn't fail my ass.

So why am I wasting time writing here? I have to utilize my panic attack somehow. I know a good paper is a finished one but, Jesus Christ, I wish i had more time, I just wish everyone would leave me alone. I know I have to stop caring but it’s hard. I don't want to do bad but I may just have to take the hit academically and maybe grovel at my professor feet so he’ll go easy on me grade wise.

I am genuinely crying and mildly hyperventilating. Tomorrow I have a paper consultation meeting with my professor where I have to give him a 250 word research paper proposal. what I have to do is propose a research topic (a research question) for me to write my paper on. We can choose whatever we want as long as it relates to the class content, which is genocide. Many of you probably already know this information if you’ve read my posts related to school, you’ll also understand the amount of “animosity” I am facing even if it’s fairly mild/covert. I have already talked to my professor briefly about the research topic I want and he sort of approved of it at the time but this consultation goes deeper. I have to prove to him that I have done enough research already (I have to actually give him two sources, one primary and another secondary, related to the event to show I’ve already started) and that my topic is appropriate.

This sounds like a non-issue and it probably is, but the topic I am going to write about is the Donbas and whether what happened/is happening there constitutes a genocide. I have talked about the far-right issue in Ukraine and brought it up to my professor, most of you know this, and it resulted with that awful email. I am still standing firm on writing this paper but I am terrified about how to defend it. I know I have to be neutral and matter-of-fact, but I also know the stance both my professor and the school has so having to do this is making me panic. What if they grade me based on that. I want to word this proposal in a way that wont get me in trouble but I don’t know how. It’s not just my written words that are being graded but also the verbal aspect of the consultation (he is grading both the proposal and the actual research paper).

I know I am doing my proposal last minute, I have no real problem gathering the sources or at least the two needed for this meeting. It’s the wording and what I have to say that scares me. I don’t know why but when I came down to my office to start writing my proposal (editing it in the morning as the meeting is around 5:00pm) my heart rate skyrocketed along with anxiety. Then the waterworks. I am terrified at how this will go and if he will penalize me just for the subject and my demeanour. I have never been good with spoken words as I have always been a shy and pathetic person and I worry that I will short circuit during this meeting. I don’t want to come across as an enemy of the school and state, if that makes sense.

I don’t even know why I’m writing this. It’s mostly for some catharsis, really. Sorry this is messy but my emotions are at an all time high.

Edit: I just want to get through this meeting without crying…

This week is not going well for me and it is most likely self inflicted. I didn’t mean for things to go this way but I just have a problem keeping my mouth shut, it seems. I didn’t expect for things to go to such shit but here we are.

Today was supposed to be chill, I was doing some work for my online class when I heard the doorbell ring. I thought it was my mom as she is visiting today but when I checked it was my great-aunt. She was over to visit with my grandma (who I live with, obviously) and had some deliveries for her. I, of course, let her in and went back to my work (I was doing it in the kitchen). She then asked me how school was, I was honest and said it was disappointing. She asked why and I said grade-wise I’m doing fine, I’m just disappointed in my professors. She asked me to elaborate, so I did. I talked about the neo-Nazi symbols at school, the subsequent conversation and email (I did not tell her it was related to Ukraine). She offered some advice which I already knew about and then, because of the Nazi thing, asked if I heard about what happened in the government. I was like “yes, they brought a Nazi into parliament and everyone clapped for him.”

It then evolved from there, where we talked about people stepping down. I said everyone needed to go, not just the speaker and Trudeau, because how do you hear “WWII veteran who fought the Russians” and not think he’s a Nazi? I then told her the reason why that happened is because Canada was one of the countries that shipped over and protected many Nazis after WWII. She asked me why Canada would do that and I told her that Canada was scared of communists so they wanted the Nazis to help deal with them. She then got a little weird saying “I’m not trying to side with them but I believe that not all the Nazis were bad, some were just forced to be there because of Hitler.” I just went “Womp Womp” because thats not a good enough excuse for me. I explained the whole showing the tattoo thing and how many Nazis were given higher up positions in Canada and other institutions like NATO. She perked up at that saying “that’s why Trump wants to leave NATO” and I said “What? No, that’s definitely not why. Trump is his own form of Nazi, the only reason why he wants to leave NATO is because he doesn’t want to work with other countries, he only wants America’s gain.” Is this the best argument? No, but I wasn’t truly prepared for something like this to happen and I’m not the best at debating. Sorry to disappoint.

I kept talking (horrible mistake, I know) saying that Trump deserves to be arrested and she just kept shaking her damn head. I pushed more about how terrible he is and she kept shaking her damn head. I then went extreme and said “actually, you know what? He deserves to be shot.” I said this because she was getting weird and when talking with specific people I know extreme statements usually get them squirming. I know it was bad of me, I know and I regret it. Do I actually believe he should be shot? No, of course not. Arrested? Yes. I was only trying to get things going, I know my family members well enough, this would have worked. And it did, sort of.

She tried defending Trump a lot, talking about how there is no president like him and how he had the balls to go meet the “North Korea Guy,” I interjected saying it didn’t matter because he hates that “North Korean Guy.” She kept going about how the country was better with him and that he was stopping “illegals” from flooding into the country. She said 10,000 “illegals” from Mexico are coming over the border everyday and raping people. I laughed in her face. She got mad and demanded to know why I was laughing. I told her every time she comes to our (mine and my grandma’s) house she always spouts off western propaganda that is proven to be false time and time again. She was genuinely confused about this because all she is saying is what she’s read, and I said “yeah, from western biased media sources that constantly push propaganda that gets proven false later. You believe this racist immigrant lie and you believed the ‘Hamas chainsawing 40 babies’ lie too, it was literally proven to be false.” She kept crying about how Biden is allowing illegals to flood the country and I tried to push back but she kept interrupting me. At this point voices were being raised, my family are the types that constantly try to talk over each other and you cannot get a word in unless you are louder.

I pushed back against her saying that she’s calling Mexicans rapists and illegals when thats not the case at all, I wanted to talk about the school of Americas but she would not shut the hell up for two seconds. She told me she visited Mexico and that some of the people are nice (only some?) and that people will fly to Mexico and then illegally cross the US border, so not Mexicans? I called her out on this because before she was calling Mexicans illegal rapists but now she’s backtracking? She said she didn’t say that, she was only quoting Trump and I told her she wasn’t, she was stating it as a fact that she believed in. She cried (not literally) about a girl being killed by an illegal, I argued that people get killed everywhere by everyone but she’s not crying about that. She actually sort of agreed with that point.

I got even more annoyed and said “aunty, you are literally a fucking immigrant, you are closer to being Mexican than anything else. If you went to the US with your fucking accent do you think they’d treat you any differently?” This sentiment applies to Canada as well but we were talking about Trump so I focused on the US. I talked about how immigrants are severely exploited to keep profits high and how the US also exploits workers overseas to make more money. She interrupted me saying “Trump isn’t doing what he’s doing to make money because he has enough,” I was fucking stunned at this. I said, “so what? You might think he has enough, and he does, but he wants more! Capitalists like trump always want more! That’s the fucking point!” I wasn’t even arguing as an explicit communist, I was just stating facts. My aunt just shook her head saying I was wrong, even my grandma chimed in (which she never does) arguing in my favour that these rich people always want more. I think my aunt felt personally attacked because she herself is rich. I wasn’t even thinking that about her but now, after the fact, I can see what may have been happening. I don’t care though.

We kept arguing and I talked about how Trump was funding wars overseas just like Biden, they are both the same, they both fund genocide in Palestine. She got stern with me saying Palestine doesn’t exist. I was fucking stunned. I told her yes it does, she shakes her fucking head. It was a small back and forth, her saying Palestine never existed and the name was made up, I yelled back that Palestine existed before Israel became a state in 1948. The British colonized them to create Israel, the US supports this genocide and everything with Israel because they want a foothold in the Middle East. She had a hard time arguing back properly and just kept shaking her head and telling me Palestine doesn’t exist. I stopped the “debate” there. I said “not in my fucking house, I will not allow this shit to be said in my fucking house. We are done here.” I picked up my shit and left to my office. She tried to play nice saying “oh we’re just talking,” I argued that we weren’t just talking, this was racism and genocide denial and I will not allow it in my fucking house. She started to complain and I said “no, I get it, I’m the problem, clearly.” “We’re just talking,” “no we are not, this will not be allowed in my fucking house. Enough.” And I shut myself off in my office. She only stayed for a few minutes after that and eventually left. The second my office door closed I broke down into tears. I know it’s pathetic, but this happens every time I get overwhelmed with any emotion. My knees get ache-y and everything starts to get tense. I release all my pent up emotions through tears. I’m just glad it didn’t happen during the argument. My grandma seemed off after but she is talking to me so I don’t know if she’s mad, I hope she isn’t.

I ended up calling my mom to ask when she was coming over and she clearly knew I was messed up and I spilled the beans. She was not happy that I got into a political discussion because she knows how passionate I am about them, how I can’t let things go. I tried to explain why it happened in the first place, and while she agrees, she thinks I should’ve walked away a lot sooner. She’s right, I really should have, I wasn’t thinking. I didn’t know it would devolve so quickly. She tried to say that we all have our opinions and I pushed back about how some “opinions” are not valid because they have no factual basis. Sorry not sorry, but you will not be allowed to spout verifiable lies in my house, you also cannot be a Trump supporter in my house either. My mom agreed with me and when I said my aunt was being annoying she got angry on my behalf, she grew up with this aunt so she knows how bad it can get. She told me “aunt is very annoying and terrible, I only ever tolerated her. You can’t get through to her, she’s not like you. She doesn’t care about justice or about poor people like you do, she only wants the rich to get richer.” She was protective over me, she doesn’t want me to out myself as a communist, especially not to my aunt. I told her I didn’t tell her anything and I wasn’t arguing from a communist perspective. She understood and just told me not to get into these discussions anymore, I told her I put my foot down in the end so it’s probably not happening. I just cannot allow this horrible shit to be said in my house without repercussions. We couldn’t talk anymore after that as she was at an appointment but she said we’d talk more when she finally gets here (she’s not here yet).

I hope my grandma isn’t mad at me or traumatized from that. I didn’t get her involved at all, I swear. We were just talking in front of her but she still had to see it and even felt the need to butt in. Maybe when my mom comes she will give her side, I just don’t want her to be cross with me but I’ll understand if she is…

This isn’t atypical, professors email their students a lot and I personally don’t have a problem with it. The reason why I’m writing here is because of the contents of said email. Don’t worry, it’s nothing illegal.

Some of you might remember me writing about a library display where some of the posters had the OUN flag. I went to two of my professors about it (history and political science) to see if they knew anything about the display itself and the flag. To make a long story short the answers I got were disappointing, they didn’t know anything. I went the slightest extra mile with my history professor as he actually looked up what the flag was during our meeting. I went to him the next day to push a bit more on how it might be inappropriate to display neo-Nazi images in our school. I don’t want to go over every detail but if you are new and want to know everything or just need a refresher here are the posts: Part 1 and Part 2

So, resuming after that, it has clearly been a little while since I’ve had this conversation with my history professor and I honestly thought this would be the end of such a shitty saga, but yesterday he emailed me about it. At the end of our last meeting he claimed he wasn’t an expert on Ukraine so he is not the best authority to be asking, I brought up Ivan Katchanovski as an authority saying maybe I’d just read his works. He was unfamiliar with Dr. Katchanovksi so I spelled out his name as my professor seemed curious (he even wrote it down) and in turn he told me to look into Timothy Snyder. Our chat ended there and I thought that was it, but it wasn’t.

When I looked at my school email yesterday I saw one from him (special notifications for my professors so I don’t miss anything important) and the subject line referenced Katchanovski and the red and black flag. I wont write the email verbatim but i will do my best to give an accurate retelling:

“Hello SpaceDogs,

Because of our last office hours together when you brought up issues about the red and black flag and Ivan Katchanovski, I wanted to take them to the head of the Ukrainian “club.” I made sure not to out your name or class so you can be certain none of this will connect back to you. I directly pasted his thoughts below, and because I am not an expert on this topic I cannot help much but I encourage you to read far and wide and critically. Context is important. Scholars like William Risch have issues with Katchanovski’s arguments. Of course, we should listen to fringe ideas, but one must be careful with them and consider differing perspectives.

Regards,

Professor”

So Katchanvoski is fringe, huh? Well, as you can see this isn’t the greatest start and I was honestly shocked when I saw this email in my inbox, I don’t remember ever alluding to wanting him to investigate for me, but I guess my pathetic attitude made him pity me. I will be honest, when I read the subject line I was a little excited, thinking he had contacted Katchanovski for me, but when I read the full email I saw that wasn’t the case.

I am sure you are all curious about what the head of the “club” said. Again, I cannot write verbatim but I will summarize:

The head of the club has many issues with Katchanovksi’s perspective. He claims that Katchanovksi is very in line with the Russian government’s narrative and those on the academic left are eating it up. He (the head of the club) rejects both the idea that Ukraine is a proxy for NATO and that the US planned the Maidan coup. He says Katchanovski’s sniper argument is interesting. But he has many issues with all of this stuff. He cites William Risch’s critique of Katchanovski and links it: https://commons.com.ua/en/rozstrili-na-majdani/

for a shorter piece he gives this one: https://kyivindependent.com/euromaidan-murders-case-why-is-the-verdict-criticized-and-why-is-it-about-russia/

This next part is difficult for me to write but he goes on to compliment Risch’s piece as it acknowledges that the whole ordeal was very complicated and messy, he even makes a little comment about Katchanovski making a big deal over one supposed sniper. Some state actors and academics are taking advantage of the situation to form their own narratives.

He asserts that other things Katchanovski has written about are completely wrong, especially when it comes to the Donbas: it wasn’t a civil war, they were Russian backed separatists who had so little public support that they only gained ground after Russian soldier boots hit the ground. He cites Serhy Yekelchyk for the Russian troops in Crimea and other parts of eastern Ukraine. There is no incident of Ukrainians ever wanting to separate and join Russia. He says it is more similar to Quebec and Alberta’s issues with the Canadian feds. There is a right wing presence in Ukraine but it is not that pervasive, especially not in the military and government. There are more far right wingers in Western Europe and North American than in Ukraine.

About the flag, he links this article: https://kyivindependent.com/everything-you-didnt-know-about-ukraines-flag/

He summarizes the article, how back then it had nothing to do with fascism and was more about resistance. Resistance to who? It’s not clear as it was the 12th century and both Russian and Ukraine did not exist. It is correct that the UPA uses the flag, it is not intended to be fascist, although some divisions did fight alongside the Nazis. But they only did that because they wanted to be free from the Soviets (he then brings up the holodomor as a reason why). But they eventually turned away from the Nazis as they saw that they (Nazis) didn’t actually care about Ukraine. He doesnt know about any anti-Semitism from the group but cites Snyder’s Bloodlands as a piece to read. Some of the UPA were in line with the fascists but that did not last. Even with such a messy history it is safe to assume that those who wear the flag do not align with fascists and just want to express Ukrainian resistance to imperialism (which it has a long history of fighting against).

That’s it. That’s the email.

I’m going to be completely honest with you all, this was the catalyst for me. This is what finally did me in and caused me to break down. I haven’t cried in so long but this is what did it. I couldn’t hold it in anymore and just let the tears and sobs out.

I know I sound pathetic and a passerby liberal or conservative will read this and look down on me, call me a psychotic tankie who can’t handle the truth. I get it, I do. But this moment just cemented the fact that I am in a horrible institution and am truly alone.

I’m fringe, just like Katchanovski, and I have no one else here like me.

I don’t know why he would email me this. He had good intentions, I know, but god does it suck. I thought our conversation was done. I knew I was alone and I was the only person i could ever rely on, but this just for some reason made it worse. This is so much more than an uphill battle for me, I’m practically scaling a steep cliff.

Rest assured I did not respond, and from what I can tell he sent it after our class. I wonder if he noticed how off I’ve been this week. Who knows…

The last thing I’ll do is drop out, so don’t worry about that, but this has just gotten a lot more complicated…

I don’t have the will power to listen to this, if anyone does let me know how it goes.

This is a weird post and I honestly did not know where to post it so its going here for now.

I’m writing a paper where I have to compared Putin and Xi Jingping on multiple factors, one of them being how does each president respond to regional threats. I was able to get access to the Chinese Ministry of Defence website very easily, just clicked on the link and I’m golden. When I did the same for the Russian Ministry of Defence I was give a screen saying access was denied, or when using a different app the servers don’t respond at all. When I briefly looked it up the answers I am getting are Kyiv did some sort of hack which may have made the Ministry respond with denying access to non-Russian citizens, or Russia made the Ministry of Defence website inaccessible to unfriendly nations in general.

I was told using the government’s official websites (the the Ministry of Foreign Affairs) was a “scholarly” source so I figured using their defence ministry’s information could be good to use when talking about how they deal with threatening behaviour. I will most likely have to talk about specific situations being dealt with but I thought the Ministry would be the best place to start.

Is anyone else facing this problem? Is there anyway I can get around it? I know I should be using a VPN but I’m hesitant to commit to one right now (I’m not that tech savvy).