The logician, somewhat baffled at the man's comment, decides to educate him in the basics of logic. "Well, it's simple reasoning. You take a fact and draw other facts from it, like... Do you own a lawnmower?"

"Uh, yeah? So?"

"Well then, logically, you must own a lawn, correct?"

"Well, yeah."

"If you have a lawn, then I must logically assume you have a house to go with it."

"Yeah, that's right!"

"And a house would be too big for one man, so am I right in assuming you have a wife? Kids, perhaps?"

"I do! Two kids, a third on the way!"

"Then logically, you must be straight. And it goes on like that, you see? Logic."

"That's incredible! I've gotta tell my buddies about this!"

The logician is again baffled that the man's friends don't know what logic is either, but thinks little of it as he watches the man leave.

That evening, the man approaches his friend and says "Hey, have you heard about this thing called logic?"

"What the hell is that?"

"Okay, so it goes like this: Do you own a lawnmower?"

"No?"

"That means you're gay."

He goes around the base to give things an inspection, hoping he can make a few changes to improve things. Only half way through his inspection, he finds a private stood next to a bench, seemingly doing nothing.

Commander: Private, what are you standing around for?
Private: Sir! My orders are to stand here and make sure nobody sits on this bench, sir!
Commander: ...Why?
Private: I'm not sure, sir! I was just told to do this by the previous commander!

Utterly confused, but unwilling to let the mystery lie, the commander makes a call to the previous commander, now promoted to brigadier.

Commander: Brigadier, sir. I just gained control of Fort Naimheer, and I was wondering why you ordered a man to stand next to a bench and tell people not to sit on it.
Brigadier: Oh, that guy? Yeah, I didn't give the order to begin with. I just figured the other guy had a reason for it, so I left it alone.

Now even more confused, the commander makes contact with the general who led the base before him.

Commander: General, sir. I just gained control of Fort Naimheer, and I was wondering why you ordered a man to stand next to a bench and tell people not to sit on it.
General: Huh? Oh, that? It was a standing order. Before my time, you see.
Commander: Figured as much. Do you know who first issued the order?
General: Oh, I believe so. He's retired by now, but I could get you in contact with him.

Finally, the commander makes contact with the veteran, a former commander like himself, who first made the order.

Commander: Hello, sir. Sorry to interrupt your retirement, but I just gained control of Fort Naimheer. Is there a reason why there's a man standing next to a bench and telling people not to sit on it?
Veteran: ...Is the paint still wet?

As it turns out, this comic is a brilliant meme format, and we need to get the ball rolling on this.

The bartender asks the horse "I take it you'll have an ale?"

The horse says "I think not" and promptly disappears.

This joke plays on the classic idea of "I think, therefore I am", but I didn't want to explain the joke before you heard it. That would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Or did she?

He said no.

The oldest hen on the farm immediately flocks to the new hen and offers to show her around. "Here's where the food usually gets thrown. You're welcome to peck and whatever's nearby.

Over here's a trough of water. You can drink from it, bathe, whatever you like. Just don't poop in it, cause we all use it.

Over here are the chicken coops. It's where we go to sleep for the night. Just take any open nest and rest for the night.

Over there's the rooster. He likes to think he's in charge, but we all know who has the real power around here.

This is a gap in the fence, and it leads to a main road. Don't be tempted! If you cross that road, you'll never hear the end of it!"

The bartender says "We don't serve noble gasses here!"

Helium doesn't react.

You can tune a guitar, but you can't tuna fish.