arisu_exe

Something I've talked about in the past that I wanted an excuse to bring up again is my discomfort in locker rooms. And what better excuse than to have a whole new website to post it on?

Trans people are familiar with how locker rooms with your AGAB can be uncomfortable. That's not what I'm talking about, but locker rooms to me, an MtF GL MAP, are very much a double edged sword.

It's either be with a ton of people of your AGAB (which is awful when you're like me and pass as female and are going into a locker room to get into a bikini), or be with a ton of people that you find attractive. And none are preferable especially when you're bi.

Women's locker rooms make me extremely uncomfortable. Of course being a trans woman I'm scared someone will clock me and harass me for being a creep (which I'm not), but it makes it even more uncomfortable when you have an attraction to women. I'd never in my life sneak into a locker room to get a glimpse of people naked; that's vile, but there are some circumstances where it's harder to keep my head down, especially when keeping my head up is just plain natural. But I know what I'd do if I didn't.

When I went swimming with my gf and bff at the time, sometime last year, I went to the women's locker room myself because my gf used the men's ones. I kept my head down to try and not be noticed as I changed out of my street clothes and into my two piece as fast as I could. But the whole time I could hear people in the locker room. I kept my head down so I couldn't see what they looked like or where they were, but they were families.

It's easy to not look at other women in the locker room. If I wanna see naked women I can just open Google.

But the girls?

It's not quite as accessible, legal, or (depending on circumstances) morally good to do the same with girls.

So when I'm in a locker room and I hear the chatter, the intrusive thoughts going through my mind are unbearable: "just sneak a peak, no one will see", "you've never seen a naked girl before, might as well start now", "other women are seeing them naked, no reason why you can't".

I don't consider myself a pedo with "urges". But the desire to look up and sneak a glance in these scenarios is so unbelievably tempting.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

I ended up talking with my bff and gf about it, but I just told them I didn't wanna be perceived as a pedo because I'm visibly trans and there's a lot of stigma and conspiracies against trans women. But what I didn't tell them was that I was also uncomfortable because I am a pedo.

When I was around 13 or 14 years old I had my first real crush. She was a girl in my class, same age as me. I crushed on her for years before saying anything, but she wasn't into me, so we just stayed friends. And I continued to be her friend for years because she's a great person.

She ghosted me when I came out as a MAP.

Around the same time, 13 or 14 or so, I started to realize I was attracted to younger people too. When I was around 11 I started to look at porn and become interested in sex, and around the time I started to gain crushes was when I started to fantasize about girls as young as 6.

As I got older I started looking at lolicon and shotacon art, wondering if it made me a pedophile to enjoy it. Temptation crossed my mind for years about searching other material, but I never gave in.

I was a teacher for a private company at 17. I taught kids aged 6-14. A couple of my students I had occasional intrusive sexual thoughts about. I didn't think they were wrong, but I thought they were innapropriate given our teacher-student relationship. I think I thought about a 12 year old and an 11 year old or something.

The 12 year old was my favorite student. To this day I don't know if I had feelings for her or not, but she was special. I loved her. She made me a house in Minecraft, I always helped her with her work. I like to think we had a special relationship. Not to mention she was gorgeous, just immensely cute, and had a great loveable personality. Eventually I stopped working there for unrelated reasons.

For years I had thoughts about whether or not I was a pedophile, and what did or didn't make me a map. When I was young I had my own thoughts about those with attractions to kids. I didn't see anything wrong with it. Didn't see anything wrong with pride. But as I got older the world told me to hate these people, these people that I thought I belonged to, but I feared being ostracized by my peers for not agreeing with them, so I started to follow their opinions blindly.

When Turning Red by Pixar came out I noticed that I was erotically attracted to the main character Mei-Lin. The way society conditioned me I thought this was wrong, so I finally, after years of keeping my pedophilic thoughts to myself, looked online for pedo resources.

Last year I found my way to VirPed, otherwise known as Virtuous Pedophiles. An online community for anti-contact individuals. I met other peds here and quickly learned that my attraction wasn't something to be ashamed of. It didn't make me a monster, and it was normal. I learned that there was nothing wrong with attraction--my original opinion about pedophilia, that society changed my mind on. I learned that MAP wasn't some evil word, it was an umbrella term meant to encompass different chronophilias. I didn't even know before that there was more than just pedophilia. I started to identify as a hebephile because I thought I was only attracted to girls who'd started puberty.

I quickly undid the damage that society did to me, and then I found Visions of Alice through the mention of someone on VirPed. It was here that I was exposed to the pro-contact contact stance. I didn't agree with it, but I didn't want to discriminate against it. I talked to lots of pro-cs and head their opinions and views, and eventually the thought crossed my mind "why is love wrong if both people want it?" So I started to identify as contact-neutral.

Eventually I found my way to MAP Merch Shop. I was experienced in graphic design, so I hit up the owner Katie Cruz because I was interested in joining.

We did an interview over voice chat, and that was the first time I ever heard someone talk to me about being a pedophile, and that was a the first time I could actually talk about being a hebephile.

I joined and she introduced me to Matrix/Element. She joined me to her MMS Group Chat and I met other members of the community. It was there that they introduced me to the pediverse and Freak University.

I signed up and got rejected, so I reapplied and Katie put in a good word for me to get me let in.

I was surprised to see so many open pedophiles. People talking about their attractions to children--people like me.

Somehow I quickly gained a reputation, within a month I went from 0 followers and being unknown to having 450 people watching when I posted. I posted jokes, anecdotes, opinions, and, most importantly, my current experiences with girllove.

In mid June I met a girl at my apartment complex. I posted about her a lot because I had a crush on her. But the weird thing? She was 8, which was way below my AoA of 12+, and she certainly hadn't started puberty. But she was attractive. She made me nervous, I thought about her everyday, I envisioned what we'd do together--she was just like any crush to me, only instead of an adult, she was a kid. But does that really make a difference? She was a person. What should age have to do with love?

Eventually shit happened. I sound like a broken record at this point with the amount of times I incessantly talk about the chain of events that led me to where I am today.

It's crazy what all happened, and how fast it happened, but what's even crazier is that these loves that I had, something that felt so normal to me, is discriminated against by our society. And this society doesn't just hurt us childlovers, but the ones we love too. Pedos don't want to hurt kids, but forcing kids away from them and filling their heads with lies about how close they come to being raped and abused by us causes way more trauma than true love ever could.

I've been in this community for less than a year, and I'm excited to see what the next one brings.

Posting this because some of y'all have had problems uploading images and i'm seeing if this works

I don't know how many people here support radqueers, and if you don't you can just block or defederate us, but my Lemmy instance here at rqd2.net opened up last night! If you wanna discuss transids, paras, or anything else stigmatized, this is the place to do it! You can sign up if you want, but we currently federate with burggit.moe, so you can participate in our communities from your instance! See you there? :)