karthnemesis

It's very difficult for an allistic person to have the perspective, without previous experience, to understand what they might be doing wrong in this scenario, let alone articulate it clearly.

Unfortunately, society generally teaches absolutely nothing about how to safely navigate communicating with autistic people.

Nothing wrong with willingness to learn.

(I am not implying you are saying it is wrong to want to learn! That is just where my logic's foundation is laid.)

I have a hard time communicating and functioning with my partner.

How do I better deal with the communication issues

I know it cannot be changed but I can certainly improve on how to process the situation and do better on my part.

I am struggling to understand, communicate, and find ways to function cohesively together

I feel that OP has adequately addressed that the issue is not one-sided or particularly a fault of anyone, just that it is a conflict that they don't know how to navigate.

*edit typo

When I am nonverbal, I have a system with my ADHD roommate where we will use hand squeezes to communicate. She can ask questions, and I will signal yes or no.

"No" with no question asked when we are outside the house means "I need to go to a quiet place (or home,) I'm overstimulated."

We have other signals for other things, but it'd make sense to tailor a system to you! (Signals I have: "I need food" "I need a bathroom" "What are you thinking (depending on context: about right now/for next)?")

Having emergency nonverbal communications help a lot in the dynamic feeling more safe as well as removing a huge amount of energy in communicating consistently.

My dynamic with her isn't perfect by any means but having some systems has helped.

I didn't use to have such overwhelming issues with explaining how I feel until I had very negative relationships, where every way of expression was described to me as "incorrect" and every avenue I had to express myself was no longer an option.

It creates paralysis. It takes SO much energy trying to find the perfect 1% answer that couldn't possibly be misunderstood or piss anyone off.

She might be coming out of a similar situation, and learning that expressing herself the way that actually works for her, is actually safe with you, would take time.

And you would have to actually be consistently safe, e.g. asking questions for clarification as the first resort for misunderstanding, rather than policing how it's said (or assuming ill will by default.)

Misunderstandings with allistics are very very common and being patient (rather than jumping to conclusions) will help over time. And it can take years to build that kind of trust, (if this is even the case here at all.)

She feels scared to make moves intimately but wants to, whether it’s kissing, sexual, or in general even hand holding.

This specifically needs extremely direct communication as to when it's okay to initiate, if it's something she should ask for, or if there are times it's not safe to ask or initiate. And a system where she feels safe/comfortable to stop doing that activity without fear of disappointing or hurting you!

(Vaguely saying "it's okay to stop" is not really a system nor reassuring-- people mean all sorts of things when saying this-- it needs specifics. "We can stop sex, hand holding, or kissing, at any time, for any reason, just pull away when you are ready to be done, and I'll be okay" is better. "You can check in with nonverbal signals whenever you are unsure of how I feel, or signal when you starting to tap out" can be very solid for not being so fearful of overwhelm.)

Many of my previous relationships were painful because I couldn't reliably pull back consent, partially because they were shitty but also because I'd become nonverbal or didn't feel safe. And I didn't take my own discomfort as a "no" until it was unbearable-- being trained to mask unfortunately trains us to ignore our own body signals-- it should be clear she can absolutely stop before that point.

Not all of this is specifically always tied directly to autism per se, but maybe it's a place to start in trying to lend her more social battery. Navigating difficult conversations like these every single time they come up, rather than having a systems protocol for it, drains real fast!

i went to a parade and it knocked me out for a week :(

(did not help i had random little kids bonking into my camping fabric chair the entire time on a touchy-no-good day)

I usually don't have to do this at all, but this is my system for the rare hiccups, in order.

• ProtonDB
• Are they using an incompatible anticheat?
• Different proton (usually one a few versions behind esp if it's an old game, maybe GE, more than that isn't useful)
• Verify installed files through steam
• Make sure my mod load order isn't crap (if applicable)

.

• Check if the game launcher actually points to the correctly named file + rename / change the exe if not (usually this gives an error box saying the file is not present)
• Uninstall + reinstall (esp if previously worked)
• Broad internet search for game + linux distro
• Launch options I've used for other games (PROTON_USE_WINED3D11=1 often is my first tried)

.

• Protontricks, tell it to use a different version of windows
• Uninstall DLC, launch vanilla once, reinstall DLC (yes this has worked more than once for various weird issues, no i don't know why)
• Backup personal data files, + delete all installed files / workshop files + verify installed files again
• Wait for someone smarter than me to figure it out / a system update that addresses it / new proton and check in a few months

Agree, and a slight tangent, but I feel like it's a closely related set of poor behaviours.

It's exhausting to go into spaces that are supposed to be centered around support and uplifting the community, and be faced with people tearing down other people "because they have [mental illness I diagnosed myself]."

Why speculate? An asshole is an asshole. Deal with what is actually there, don't demonize some random community and pretend what that person does is somehow related to it.

People repeatedly pretending some random disorder is "the reason" that person was mean to them, perpetuates stigma that leads to straight up just hurting people... people who are just struggling to survive with a nontypical brainset in a world that hates divergence, people who did nothing wrong to anyone.

Being told you invited yourself, and somehow before the event had a premonition that you would need evidence that you were invited, and sent a text to yourself beforehand, is fucking wild.

Like that's almost a compliment at that point, if you spitefully take it at face value. They're telling you you have magic powers!

Oh, gosh. Was just talking about him to one of my friends. If you want reccs by him, I like "Dance or Die," and "Freak Night."

A van slammed a door into him and THEN he got run over, just a failure on multiple levels, jesus.

I feel both simultaneously very often. Always overwhelmed, but incredibly painfully restless with constantly doing self-care catch-up, and being unable to go anywhere or do things I like doing. Maddening.

Been struggling with feeling like there is no zone to be okay in, lately.

I've found with my ADHD friends, as well as my (autistic, bipolar, ?maybe adhd?) self, that "doing something for others" is somehow easier than doing it just for myself. That might put into perspective why it felt easier to make meals before a divorce. Feel like there's a way to hack that quirk, solo, but haven't figured it out exactly yet.

Coming a bit from the opposite angle-- I haven't eaten well for my entire life, and I'm trying to learn how to create a diet on my own, from scratch.

I rely on a lot of soup. Just cut veggies, freeze them. Dump them all in broth when I have energy. Spices are "whatever feels right." Cutting and cooking does not need to be on the same day. Very simple, gets me veggies, reliable. It's something to build from. Does not require much planning.

Neutrally: Do you feel like your comment is a mature, adult response?

I'm a bit curious-- your hobby seems to be attempting to antagonize others on the internet. Do you have anyone in your life that feels like a support system? Are they someone that does not hurt you?

If your only support system consists of people who talk like you do, to you-- please try to get out of your current situation. It's a painful place to be. Life can be better.

Thank you for removing the ragebait post; it makes me optimistic this sub could remain an actually useful support space to people with autism.