lilypad

I have a really deep seated belief that i am unwantable . That any expression of wanting to be around me is a lie, or intended to be deceptive. I know its not true, but, well, under duress we regress . And when im stressed or anxious or feel awkward my ability to counter that thought goes out the window. Like its not even a thought, its axiomatic . And i cant seem to do anything about it! Im aware of it, i try to counter it by ignoring it, by ignoring my discomfort, but it never goes away, and I dont know what steps to take to change that process.

People ask me about it sometimes, but i just and tell them its nothing, im fine; I dont want to make my friends deal with my weird shit. Like, when im in these spaces I require an explicit "i want to spend time with you and will be sad if you leave " (yes the hug is included in the quotes, i require hugs) in order to not feel bad guilty and shameful for existing near my friends. But they shouldnt have to say that; i should be able to understand "feel free to hang out if you want" actually is an invitation, and not a thinly veiled attempt to get me to leave.

Fuck my brain

Here is a portrait I drew of me and my brain:

Terminal encounter has put it really well, but for me in my personal life i tend to think of it as: dysmorphia is when I cant see my body for what it is, dysphoria is when I can.

Like i get obsessive about my shoulders and ribcage. Yeah theyre on the larger side, but not abnormal for women. I often cant see this, and think my shoulders are massive, so i categorize it as dysmorphia.

I also get obsessive about my leg hair, but i dont see my legs as more hairy than they are. The issue there is that I see them for what they are and I dont like it, whereas my shoulders i see as larger than they are and dont like that.

Idk if thats helpful, its not a medical way to think about it, but its how i think about it in my life

::: spoiler imo Suffering doesnt make you better, help you heal, or make you more empathetic; suffering just means you suffer.

Cuteness is a state of mind

Oooh what kind of tape is it? The stuff i use is pretty rough on my skin

ty, i hate my brain sometimes, really wish i could be all like 24/7.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! People keep changing plans and its super overwhelming!!!!!!!! My fun family time has turned into me curling up and crying far away from everyone because the plans kept changing rapidly and everything was so confusing

emotional processing!

Anxiety is such a rough one, im glad you got some respite

::: spoiler spoiler

still have the creeping fears of rejection

For me it ends up in this place where i feel like i need to leave first to keep from getting hurt. Even when I logically know thats not true, the impulse to do so can be overwhelming.

that's why I started posting here!

Im glad you started

Even here i get that same impulse to leave, people here know me a little bit (some know me a lot) and it scares the shit out of me. Im staying tho! I dont want to lose this space, and its good for me to try and stick around somewhere. I tend to leave places after a year, and im trying to stop that cycle in my life.

The inciting incident

Im happy this is working for you ^^ Its scary. I have gotten to that point with some roommates, but its a lot harder with people im actually wanting to be close to.

can't remember (sorry) if you are ND as well

Its unknown but likely. Adhd, autism, bipolar, bpd, these all have a bunch of overlapping symptoms/traits/whatever. Probably some kind of adhd or audhd going on in my head.

accepted that my close friends will have to be a similar presentation of neurodivergence to me

I dont really have anyone like that around me? Im in a weird position of having been raised by mental healthcare professionals (srsly, my whole family is some form of therapist/psychologist/psychiatrist/etc.) so i have a pretty good grasp of psychodynamics without having any real education on it. So when I go to share i often start talking about processes, and using language and words in ways that they dont understand or misunderstand, and i just end up feeling misunderstood because my language doesnt match theirs. Im great at hearing and understanding my friends tho lol.

Idk what else to say really

::: spoiler spoiler

friends

Yeah, i have internalized entirely the idea that everyone leaves. Everyone will leave me, and im just waiting for that to happen. I steal my own happiness because of this narrative, but i cant get out of it. I cant seem to be open and honest with my friends very often. But with strangers its no problem for some reason. Im trying tho. I want to be vulnerable but just cant, i dont want to burden them, i dont want to alienate them, i can find a million excuses.

What do you mean by this, if you don't mind sharing?

Well, regarding emotional regulation, i just dont have good or healthy outlets for my emotions i guess. I feel really strongly or nothing at all.

Regarding my lack of emotional object permanence, its like what im feeling at any point is what i have always felt and what i always will feel. It gets difficult cause, well, for example Im afraid that I love bomb people unintentionally because when im in love with someone i feel like i always have and always will, and I lose myself. Or like, when i am in a rough space, i always have been there and always will. I cant remember what its like to feel other things.

Theres more i could say, idk if its interesting or worthwhile..

::: spoiler spoiler Idk, like, i have friends, and they accept me (i dont exactly tell them everything in my head tho lol). But deeper intimate relationships are hard for me. Idk even what to say about why, theres so many reasons yk. I guess most of it can be summed up with really shitty emotional regulation and a lack of emotional object permanence.