lilypad
Go, do it, pull the trigger, shove my words right back at me ^^
Happy birthday!! 
Im really happy you got on hormones, and even if you dont feel like celebrating right now, im over here having a little celebratory time for ya ^^
This was supposed to be a fucking landmark day, like the first day of things getting better and I feel like I'm just more behind I fucking hate it.
Youre a step further than you were yesterday. And also, youre on estrogen!!! Congratulations!!! Everyone gets their dosages adjusted and very very often start at low dosages, and just getting on it at all is huge! Im proud of and happy for you 
::: spoiler Editing to say more nice things about you cause sadgirls should have nice things said about them:
You said its supposed to be a landmark day, and it fucking was! You took a massive step! The emotional and mental aspect of that cannot be reduced away into levels and blockers and dosages. In a way it doesnt matter what dosage youre on, because youre finally on E! You did it! Now the hurdles are a little smaller. Its no longer "hey doc i want to go on estrogen" and all the conversations that entails. Instead its "hey doc i think my estrogen levels arent quite right and I need to adjust my dosage", which imo is a much easier conversation. Youve taken a big step and made life better and easier for your future self, and that is amazing and wonderful and perfect!! Fuck levels, they dont matter right now, whether theyre good or too low doesnt matter for today. Those worries can wait for tomorrow. For today, you should celebrate yourself! Celebrate your accomplishment! I dont know what went into this for you, but I cant imagine it was some easy peasy thing. The whole process, starting from coming out to yourself, is fraught, and even when its easy going its often just a portion of the path that is easy going, not the whole path. So to reach this marker, to reach this milestone, its something worth celebrating regardless of whether the end result was perfect. You got your foot in the door, and right now thats what counts! Again, im proud of and happy for you, youre taking steps 
A deep shame in everything, and lots of guilt of the "dear god im sorry for existing" variety. Also a nice figure 
::: spoiler mental health, downer, ramble, reflection Im not doing to well. Im not really a person. Im a mirror. I reflect the person Im talking to. Its why groups are hard for me. I become who Im interacting with. Or i become what they want me to be. I dont like it. I dont like being around men, because i reflect and become them. Im not a boy. Im a girl. I dont want to reflect and become them.
I love everyone around me. I mirror them, then i love them. Because if i love them then its kinda like loving myself. When I want love and care i provide love and care to others. I hope that they will give me love and care. If i can make them happy they can make me happy. If i love them hard enough then i will feel loved. If i am them, and i love them, then i love myself. Thats not how it works. But i keep pretending it is. Im not them. I want to stop being a mirror. I want to love myself. But how can I if I dont know who i am?
I want to want things. Im afraid of it. If im someone else, i can stop being them and be a different person when im rejected and discarded. I can seperate everything out. Compartmentalize. Im very good at compartmentalizing. What if what i want is wrong? Stupid? Poor taste? Hurtful? Insulting? I want to want things. I want to want. I do want. At least a little. I want faery lights strung in my room. I want nice bedding thats cute and pink and wonderful. I want the things I didnt get to have growing up. It all costs money. I have no income. I cant justify the expenses.
I cant even justify lazer. It would bring me relief. It would make things better. But i cant justify it. I should justify it. But i cant. I tell myself its too much, ive made it this far with visible shadow every day, ive made it this far bleeding from my face whenever I shave. So whats one more day? Just one more day. One more. No tomorrow, just today. One more day. One more. Only one. If i cant justify fixing my face, how can I justify faery lights? Or nice bedding? Or cute pillows?
I want other things sometimes too i guess. But those arent worthwhile, they dont have emotional value. Theyre fun, but dont carry weight in my heart. Theres a difference. I want to want from my heart. From my emotional center. Not from activity. Not from analytics. From my heart.
Activity is so much, but its just a way to avoid talking to people. I want to want things because wanting is an aspect of being a person. I want to go here. I want to eat this. I want to talk to you. I want to play this game. I want. The wanting is the core of movement through life. I dont want, so i dont move.
I want to be vulnerable with someone. Share my entirety with them. My physical mental and emotional self. But i dont know who that self is. How can I share something with someone when I dont know what it is? Its not a box I can hand to them. Its abstract thoughts and feelings.
I want faith and hope in the future. I want to know that it will all be ok, i will be ok, my family and friends will be ok, we will be happy.
I want a happily ever after. I hate that we grow up with that narrative ending. It doesnt exist. But i want it so badly. I want to not have to worry and just be happy. I want my story to end, and end with a "happily ever after". I dont want to write anymore. The book has no more plot points, no more movement. Its been stagnant for so long, and will not move further. I want to stop writing my story. I want it to be over. I just want to write "happily ever after" and thats it, its done, period. End of sentence. End of chapter. End of book. End of series. End of story. 𝓣𝓱𝓮 𝓔𝓷𝓭
Im watching them for a friend and they are just the sweetest 
I got vaxxed and am now fake sick, and i just want head skritches and cuddles and attention while my body fake fights fake covid and fake flu with a fake fever, but also my hair becomes this unruly terrible mess when people run their fingers through it (thanks curls (no seriously thank you curls i love you)).
sad
My breasts are very small and it bums me out sometimes (like right now)... Its been two years, steady levels (that were pretty high, just got my labs back and e was at 410, when goal is 100-300 (pg/ml)), and still little to no growth. Theyre an AA cup, maybe an A, with no volume. Like, they go out a ways, but have no volume to fill out a bra or look even somewhat normal on my (fairly broad for a woman) chest. I really want to love them but a lot of the time i just look at them and feel sad that theyre so tiny and oddly shaped. Like, my family tends to have C cups or larger on both sides, why did i get the tiny titty gene?
idk i dont want a BA for a few reasons, but might get one just to feel better about my chest. Is that stupid and a poor motivation? I feel like it is... Idk... Idek anymore, i just would like a bit more breast tissue please and thankyou