It is the next logical step to end my life. I can just buy it online easily... unfortunately, this chemical is not nearly as good as the one "peaceful pill", but has high reliability. It is not really peaceful, and I dislike what it does to the blood cells, causing a distinguishable skin color... But why should I not do this anyway? It is such a hopeless situation I'm in.
The Maslow's hierarchy of needs tells what can bring one happiness, but my past is truly sad and I will never have what would make me happy...