Suicide Watch

Hello and thanks to everyone who sent me messages of support and helped me in that situation. Although unfortunately just one day after that post my father died.

Among all the comments there is one that stuck with me and although it was not exactly like that, it said: "Take this opportunity to take control of your life!"

Well, although for personal reasons I prefer not to give all the details I can say that I am fine for the moment although I still feel bad about the death of my father.

Now the problem is another one and it seems that my father had a testament that I did not know that I am included and it is quite shocking news for me because I really do not know what to do with the money, I mean, I am only 20 years old, I have the feeling that at this age I am going to spend it on something stupid that I will regret later or even worse, someone will take advantage of my naivety and I am not sure what to do with it, I guess I can leave it in a time deposit, but I don't even know what that is or how it works and doing a Google search I really have more doubts than answers. What advice can you give me to avoid falling into these situations or I'm just being paranoid?

It is the next logical step to end my life. I can just buy it online easily... unfortunately, this chemical is not nearly as good as the one "peaceful pill", but has high reliability. It is not really peaceful, and I dislike what it does to the blood cells, causing a distinguishable skin color... But why should I not do this anyway? It is such a hopeless situation I'm in.

The Maslow's hierarchy of needs tells what can bring one happiness, but my past is truly sad and I will never have what would make me happy...

It took me forever to get into an appointment with a therapist. My mom and dad see her weekly and love her, so I had a lot of hope. I asked for time off work, drove 30 minutes to the office and got stood up. She completely forgot about me and missed the appointment. I've been suicidal for a long time, and it's creeping up again. Things are getting bad, I'm headed for a breakdown, there's no avoiding a complete mental collapse now I can feel it. I don't know if I will survive this round, I don't think I care if I do or not. I don't know if I even want to.

I am not sure if this will be my last post because I took the courage to do it or not and it will serve me as a reference of personal self-improvement for the future, but honestly all my life has been a shit since that I was born, and honestly it is not worth it to keep fighting, it is enough to see my history of posts to know that something is not right with me and that I am a person with anxiety and insecurity.

The problem that broke the camel's back lies in as I have mentioned in past posts, I take care (or rather, have taken care) of my father who is a senior citizen who had me at the age of 66, a shitty age, I shouldn't have even been born, I was born because my dad decided to get with the first whore he could find after his ex-wife died, who by the way, abandoned us shortly after I was born y disappeared. My father was always fine until this year, during this year his health has deteriorated considerably, and during this year alone I have had to take him to the hospital about 10 times, when he had not set foot in a hospital for years.

The problem I cannot escape is the following: My father has about 10 children, and I am the last and the only one of my mother, and the house I have lived in all my life has been the house that his ex-wife inherited when she died, and now that even the doctors themselves told me not to consider that he has much time left and that "I must be prepared" is the moment when my brothers, who never did anything for my father "started to worry about him" and who do not recognize me as a brother because I am the bastard son, although it is not my fault, and now they are taking all kinds of legal (like telling legal entities responsible for the elderly that I neglected my father) and judicial actions to kick me out of my own house, and it is because when my brothers found out about my father's condition, they started fighting over the inheritance of the house and they don't give a shit about leaving me on the street for the purpose of claiming the inheritance, when my father is not even dead and the biggest problem is that my father is not in a mental condition to take any action against them and possibly has not even realized all of this. My brothers are now fighting over who is going to take care of my father for the rest of his life just because they want to get in good with him so that he will give them the inheritance. And my brothers are now ready to take care of my father the day he gets out of the hospital, and they put me the ultimatum that I have to get out of the house or they will take legal action using my father as an excuse to get me out, I guess they want my father to forget me because he seems to have dementia.

I abandoned my university studies to take care of my father, and I have not been able to work either since he needs constant care and no one ever helped me to do it and I have no one to ask for help or to turn to, so I have hardly had a life, my life has always been basically my father. And now my brothers have a 100% intention to fulfill their ultimatum, if they fulfill it which I do not doubt they would, they will leave me at the age of 20 years old in the street without the possibility of doing anything, what the fuck am I supposed to do? I can't even ask for help to anyone because apparently I (now that I'm +18) abandoned my father, and everyone thinks I'm the bad guy because that's how my brothers make me look.

I tried to talk to them and told them that I have nowhere to go, and they don't care, I told them that basically I will have to live on the streets and they replied "Aha, everybody has problems", basically they don't give a shit what happens to me, they only think about the inheritance.

After all this shit, after all this stress I have really thought about committing suicide, the only thing that I think is stopping me are my cats, I don't want to abandon them but anyway what else is left for me since I won't even have a place to live with them or take care of them?

Thanks for reading I guess, at the moment of writing this I really don't know what to do but think of the worst. What is clear to me is that I don't have much time to make a decision.

I don't really do anything worthwhile. Or at least that is what it sounds like when it is talked about. "You didn't have to do that" "you don't feel like that do you" I must really not be good at anything, and I really did think I was helping. But I guess I should keep to what I am good at, being in the way.

I have what I need, a place so no one will need to deal with clean up, and I have the know how. Courage is the thing I need and let me tell you my courage grows everyday.

I will probably delete this when I wakeup in the morning because I am a coward, but soon I will have the strength and need the relief enough.

I hate my new school. Everybody fights with each other and shouts with each other, and the teachers are so rude to the students. I've recoeved racial comments due to my skin-color and accent. I'm just taught things I already know. In my old school, I was loved. I was accepted. All the teachers loved me, and all the students respected me and each other. I actually learn a plethora of new things in my old school. I give up. No more GCSE. Either ICSE or suicide.

So tired of being destroyed for not killing the innocent. For not killing children.

sometimes I want to do it but I persevere because I want to read the ending of One Piece