Today I Fucked Up

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Outrageous-Ad8520 on 2024-10-26 20:20:31+00:00.

So my (34F) father (73M) has been having a tough time medically for some time and I had to pick his dirty laundry up from his apartment to take to the laundromat, now the 2nd or 3rd time doing this. When i went to pick it up the lady asked me if the clothes belonged to a patient because they were really badly soiled (#1 and even some #2). I truly didnt know when i had dropped them off otherwise honestly i would have just thrown them away but i didnt think to check plus my dad never said anything. I was soooo embarassed when the lady said that to me that i told her to hold on while i went to scramble for cash in my car to give to her for the lack of disclosure and what was obviously a pretty disgusting moment for them. Whats worse is this laundromat is right next to my job so i literally will see this woman almost every day. Luckily she was grateful for the generous tip but im never dropping anything there to wash againnnnnn

TL;DR: my elderly dad gave me his dirty laundry to wash but forgot to disclose how dirty they actually were and the laundromat attendant made sure to inform me upon pick up

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/8mtp2 on 2024-10-26 17:38:03+00:00.

I am a college student living in Korea. (Sorry if my English is awkward)

I have some tests next week, so I stayed at school for a long time studying in the library. So I was very very tired, and honestly, I think I was kinda out of my mind.

I was walking down the hall to get home, and the view outside the window was so beautiful. The sun was setting. But I couldn't fully see the view because of the iron railing on the window.

I looked around and there was no one there, so I tuck my head into the railing and enjoyed the sunset for a moment. (Now that I think about it, I just had to come outdoor and see it...) It was the perfect gap to put my head in.

After a while, I was satisfied and wanted to go home. But my head didn't come out. It was easy when I came in, but not when I left. I struggled.

I was in panic. Should I call 119(In the States, it's 911)? How do I explain it when I call them? "Help me, my head stuck in the railing"? They're going to come here with loud with sirens... Then the balloon will go up... Everytime(Social media used by Korean university students.) must be full of mockery about me...

Then, unfortunately, someone walked from over there. He was my senior in same major, not very close to me... I thought to myself, I looked like a cow in a farm eating past the fence.

He asked me what I was doing there. I smiled awkwardly and said I was watching the view. He asked me if I was okay. I was embarassed, so I just said that I was going to watch a little more and then leave. He left, tilting his head.

I just had to ask him for help, because even after that, I couldn't pull my head out while a few more people passed by. And after struggling for a long time, I found the perfect angle and pulled my head out. Then I came back home as fast I could.

I hope you guys don't put your head in the railing, especially in public.

TL;DR: I tucked my head into the window railing to see the outside view. But I couldn't pull my head out easily, and some people, including my senior, saw the scene.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/KxngDaviid on 2024-10-26 04:29:54+00:00.

I called a friend who’s an ophthalmologist and told him I’d accidentally slept in my contacts. Now, every time I look at lights, I see these weird, hazy rainbows.

So I asked him, “Is this just a harmless vision issue that’ll go away on its own, or should I schedule an appointment?”

There was this long, awkward pause. Finally, he says, “Oh my God, you need to come in immediately—that’s a sign you’re turning gay. That’s how it started for me. Don’t worry; you’ll get used to the rainbows!”

I was ctfu. I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.

TL;DR:

Accidentally slept in my contacts, saw rainbows around lights. Asked my ophthalmologist friend if it was serious. He paused, then said, “You’re turning gay—that’s how it started for me.” Haven’t laughed that hard in a long ass time.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/ThrowAway44228800 on 2024-10-26 02:18:49+00:00.

Earlier today I attended a tap dancing class. I used to do it when I was little and got back into it recently.

My favorite step is called a Maxie Ford turn, which is basically a specific type of turn where you step, shuffle, jump, step, while turning around. It's not terribly hard in my opinion and I love doing a bunch in a row while traveling across the room.

This evening I was in an elevator with my roommate, going from the bottom floor to our room on the fifth. She asked what I did in the class. I told her about my love of Maxie Ford turns. She asked me to demonstrate.

I was stupid and decided to do so right then in the moving elevator. I also have severe motion sickness. I have never tried spinning around in a moving elevator prior to this point, and I do not intend on doing so again, because I now have no dinner left in my stomach and still feel dizzy.

TL;DR: Gave myself rapid motion sickness in an elevator by trying to show off my favorite tap dancing step.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Sooner70 on 2024-10-25 21:29:23+00:00.

Technically this fuck up happened a couple weeks ago but I didn't realize it until today. That said....

I'm in my mid-50s. I've been putting off the ol' colonoscopy for a while. There was always something more important going on. If you're old enough to need Motrin in the morning, you know the drill. Further, I'm inspired to get it done this year (insurance deductible already paid, blah blah).

So I scheduled a date with a doctor who will give me 36 inches and make me scream. December 3 it is! At first blush these seemed like a good deal. I would get the 'scope job done during a slow time at the office (so I wouldn't miss much) but before The Holidays start in earnest (wouldn't want to waste vacation on a reaming, would we?).

If you're not aware, before they shove a camera up your arse, they want you on a special diet for 5 days to clean you out (literally). Common sense! The only issue? What's five days before December 3rd?

Thanksgiving.

Guess who won't be getting any desert? Alas. Looking at the list of banned foods I see a prohibition on most of my Thanksgiving favorites. At least turkey and mashed potatoes are on the "good" list (but not much else).

TL;DR - Colonoscopy scheduled such that I'll be on the special diet on Thanksgiving.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/NoodlesTheCat4077 on 2024-10-25 20:30:53+00:00.

I (54M) 5'10 and about 290 lbs. So I am kind of fat and put on a lot of weight recently. I work in a production facility in the Mountain West in a very small town. About 300 employees.

This facility is of course a 'like family' atmosphere which is fine whatever. They feed us a couple times a month. The food is a mix of catering from large local restaurants, chain restaurants or home-cooked meals. The food is really pretty good 9 out of 10 times, no complaints there.

So last night they catered Buffy Wild Wingers Stop for dinner, this is a new addition to the lineup. I am greeted by a couple of higher ups and HR types. I am a little distracted because I really don't know or like these guys too much, it's not the regular management crew I am used to doing the food. And I have had a few one-off experiences with a couple of them that didn't really go too well. But everything is friendly and cordial while I load up my plate with like 20 boneless wings and a bunch of other stuff that was there. I am hungry. There were like 6 kinds of wings in warmers on the bar in the breakroom.

So I eat them, exchange more pleasantries and get up to leave. I am looking around the breakroom, because it is 'the other' breakroom that I don't frequent. There is a sign at the beginning of the line that says 'please take only 6 pieces of chicken for your meal'.

TL;DR Didn't see the sign we could only have 6 chicken wings, took 20

EDIT: Didn't know the phrase 'kind of' was going to set some people off. Yes I am fat.

As described below, they were 'chicken nuggets'. Didn't even cover the bottom of the large paper plate. I wasn't trying to be a glutton.

It wasn't an 'office party'. It was a meal provided to production workers at 1:00 am in the middle of nowhere. You can go outside at night and not see the lights from the nearest town.

TIFU is supposed to be I didn't see the sign, not that I am a gluttonous asshole with no respect. Guess I shouldn't have mentioned that I was fat.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Longjumping-Bus4939 on 2024-10-25 19:54:03+00:00.

TIFU by trying to get a silly pic of my cat.

My cat loves strings. I have a notebook with a ribbon to mark your place.

She was playing with that ribbon.

I thought this was safe because it was attached to the book.

Instead of making her stop, I grabbed my phone and took a photo.

My spouse and I often take photos of the cats trying to help us at our tasks by doing unhelpful things. Like biting the bookmark of my notebook while I'm trying to work.

She bit off and ate about 4-5" of the ribbon.

That was 30 minutes ago.

I've previously had a cat almost die from eating string.

I’m at the Animal Urgent Care while they try to induce vomiting.

I feel like the worst cat parent ever.

The photo:

TL:DR didn't stop cat from eating a ribbon because I wanted to take a photo.

Update to add: they could not induce vomiting so they gave her the drug that reverses the vomiting drug and sent us home. They told us to wait a little bit for her stomach to settle and then feed her a little bit. Once that's settled we got to try to get her to eat as much bulk as possible later tonight with the hopes that big meal turns into a big turd and carries the ribbon out.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Juan-BB on 2024-10-25 15:26:11+00:00.

Okay, so for context mother's day (where I live) is celebrated on October 20, and please excuse any grammar mistakes since English is not my native language.

Both of my parents are divorced since I was only 9 years old, and some time after that my Father met a new woman. I will simply call her SM.

SM is a really sweet and caring woman, and she means a lot to me. She and I didn't start in the best foot, since I was still mad my dad had already found a new partner in such a relative short amount of time, but as the relationship went on we started to bond, and that bonding only got stronger, when both her and my dad announced they were having a Baby.

Since then we've had some bumps in the road here and there, but for the most part we've had a good relationship. And Even though she is not a mother figure in my eyes, I do consider her a part of my family.

Fast forward to last Sunday, when I go over to my Mother's house to celebrate with her. She had gotten surgery a few days ago, so we simply did a small gathering with me and my grandparents. I spent practically all day with her, and stayed for the night.

SM and my dad, along with my brother and some of her relatives, went out to camping for the weekend.

When they came back on Monday, and I went to my dad's house. I pretty much forgot to wish her a happy mother's day.

I only realised this Friday when my brother told me about how he heard SM and my dad talking about how inconsiderate I had been by not doing so, and how she felt pretty bummed about it.

Later today my dad told me about how she was pretty bummed, but suggested I dont bring it up with her or apologise, and that and how its already in the past

I know this may seem a pretty small and dumb mistake but she means a lot to me and I honestly don't know how I could make it up to her

TL;DR I forgot to wish my step-mom a happy mother's day, when I shouldn't have.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Main-Coyote3900 on 2024-10-25 06:06:04+00:00.

Burner account as I feel my main profile is too associated with my hobbies/professional work.

I (22 Male) recently just got my first house. A small home, a bit off the beaten path, 1 bed, 1 bath; definitely needs a little work, but I have big plans for it. I’m in the process of moving all of my stuff out of my parents house and into my new abode. So far I'm about 80% done. It’s been hectic for me, but fun as I'm experiencing the world for myself.

When I bought my home, it came equipped with most appliances. MOST. It lacked a washer and dryer. With this next sentence you’ll probably immediately pick up on where I'm going. I have a 3 year old gray tabby cat that I named Tom-Tom. He currently has some sort of stomach bug or something as he’s been having a hard time holding his bladder. And as the lazy sack of potatoes I am, I left all of my clothes in one box.

On October 24th, around 11 at night, when IT happened, I decided to hop into the shower. Being that I live alone I chucked the clothes I had on into the same moving box with the rest of my clothes. I spent about 20 minutes in the shower, got myself cleaned up and dried off. I walked back to the box when a putrid smell slammed into my face. My cat leaked all over my clothes. So much so that there were wet marks on all sides of the box. The only thing my cat didn’t urinate on was my shoes, thank god for at least that.

I stood there trying to figure what I could do. I went ahead and put the damp box full of clothes out on my driveway so the stink wouldn’t fill my house. The night was BRISK. I think it was about 39 degrees F. I didn’t know what to do. I thought about washing my clothes in the sink, but then realized I don’t have any decent way to dry them, not to mention how long it would take to wash and dry all of them. I then remembered that I live a 10 minute walk from a laundromat (I do have a car, but I let my Mother borrow it as I didn’t have anywhere I needed to be the next day.)

I was stumped on how I would get down to the laundromat. I could have just used blankets to cover myself, but that would mean I'd have to hold a laundry bag and at least two blankets around myself simultaneously. I then remembered that I have a tri wetsuit. (I use it when I go swimming at a local lake.) The choice was obvious.

I brought out my Roka wetsuit and got in it. I packed all of my damp clothes into a kitchen trash bag and nervously started my walk down the road to the laundromat. A big part of me was like “Now I’m gonna end up on one of those YouTube dashcam compilations”. For anyone who has never worn a wetsuit, especially a tri wetsuit like my Roka Maverick Comp 2, these things are tighter than the average wetsuit and are meant to feel like a second skin, almost like you’re not wearing anything. So that made me feel extremely awkward as I walked down the road. Thankfully though, this road runs through a forest and is not favored by motorists, especially at 12 at night.

About 10 minutes into the journey a police car pulled over next to me. I got extremely nervous. I’m a man “dressed” in black walking down a deserted street at 12 AM carrying a black trash bag over my shoulder. He asked me if I was alright and I said yes. He inquired about the bag and told him it’s my laundry. He thankfully didn’t give a second thought (probably since the laundromat was in eye distance).

He then jokingly asked if I was going swimming while my laundry was washing. I chuckled and explained what happened. He also had a laugh and offered to drive me the rest of the way. I accepted and he dropped me off at the laundromat. After almost two hours my laundry was done and I started walking back to my house. It was thankfully uneventful despite the eeriness of that road. I got home and finally changed out of my wetsuit and into some normal clothes and let Tom-Tom lie beside me in bed.

Edit: To help paint a picture, this is my wetsuit: Roka Maverick Wetsuit

TL;DR

Moved into my new home that doesn’t have a washer or dryer. All of my clothes in one box. Sick cat pees in the same box while I'm in the shower, all clothes are damp. Only solution was to put on my tri wetsuit and walk down to the laundromat.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/OrangeBreddLaof on 2024-10-25 12:15:45+00:00.

I (21F) Have been working for a small family owned funeral home for about 4 months now. I have since realized that I don't really like working at this job because of its nature. I actually enjoy the physical parts of the job (e.g. embalming, sanitary care, helping set up funerals, making prayer cards) but what has pushed me away is the people I work for. Maybe its just the nature of the job or how interning is supposed to go in this industry but I have been shouted at infront of other vendors, power tripped on multiple occasions (they threw out my punch in card before I cam in to work), and overall they don't respect me or my time. They know I am a student and keep me after hours when I need to be studying for exams, the worst part is that during the actual work hours they will have me sit there and do legit nothing. I ask if I can help and they tell me theres nothing to do right then, but when it comes time for me to clock out, they give me tasks that could last 2-3 hours long. I don't really know the point of this but that's the backstory to my work environment. They obviously don't like me that much but I may have set them off the most this past weekend.

So, after work, I was looking through my phone via google photos. I had just gotten a new phone so google photos was setting itself up and trying to find my main account. However, for some reason It chose my work account to set up with instead. For context, my work account is shared between everyone in the office so everyone has access to it. But the absolute nightmare starts when I see a notification saying "backup from device in progress". It started to upload all the pictures and videos from my phone onto the public work account. All my photos from 2016-2023 were now on the work account for anyone, including my easily angered boss, to see. Like any normal adult I started to freak out. Scrolling through the feed, I saw pictures of them, work pictures, then a selfie of me, or a picture I used as a drawing refrence. Thank god I had no suggestive photos on my phone but I did have those of me in my natural hair. For context, I am black, in fact, the only black person that works here including all of the outside contractors that they hire to work occasionally. And I am extremely sensitive over my hair. I wear a wig and don't really want other people to see my natural hair as it is kind of a vulnerable place for me to be in. So needless to say I was an absolute wreck. Luckily, I found a way to filter all the photos that came from my device and deleted them. Good news, they all came off the work account! Bad news, I have no more photos on my phone since It wiped them from the DCIM file too. I am really sad about the loss of all my photos but I guess that's the price I have to pay.

When I went into work the next day though, everyone was upset when I told them that I turned off backup on the google account. (I did not tell them why I just said I was having issues with my phone so I turned it off) They told me that I disrupted procedures and I was being careless. However, this whole thing happened when I was off at like 2am in the morning. They managed to change the backup settings on their computers within the hour they walked in so I don't necessarily see why they are so upset. I also think my boss is particularly perturbed because I may have seen photos of him with other people than his girlfriend (there was some girl in a bikini on his boat that definitely didn't look like her). So now my boss won't even look me in the eye when he is talking/scolding me and keeps giving me tasks that keep me away from him. I don't think my environment is hostile but I also can't handle all this collective negativity from my co-workers. I don't think I did anything particularly wrong in this instance, but that is technically 4 (grown ass) people all saying that I am the worst against my word. Normally that would mean that I'm in the wrong but I can't tell for sure.

TL;DR: I basically logged into my work account on my new phone and it took all the pictures off my phone and put it on that account for everyone in the office to see. I had to delete my photos off my phone to fix it and turn off backup on the account. Now everyone is mad because I turned off backup even though they have already turned it back on. I really hope none of them have seen my photos and I feel absolutely humiliated.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/yeaboi672 on 2024-10-24 21:27:22+00:00.

Ironic because this happened a while ago but any who. I was in my science class and we were doing an experiment to make a penny "gold" (boiling a penny in zinc powder and running it through an open flame)

I was contributing to the expirement and the boiling part went well until we had to run the coin through the flame. I volunteered to do it and I used the tweezers to run the coin in and out through the flame. I let go of the tweezers and the coin was going to fall into the table. My dumb self decided to catch the coin. The absolute rate my fingers just melted. I only had the coin in my hands for less than half a second and three of my fingers were covered in second degree burns. I still wonder what would have happened if I took longer to drop the coin.

Tl;dr: Caught a molten coin and burned myself during a science experiment

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Adamant_TO on 2024-10-24 19:59:08+00:00.

When I was at College, I met this girl a few times but I couldn't remember her name for the life of me. We were WELL past the point of me asking her what her name is again. I figured out the perfect plan and I quickly asked my buddy to introduce himself to her when she came over so I could get her name. He agrees and she makes her way over to us. We all stand there for a moment and as the seconds tick by it gets more and more awkward.

He finally turns to me and says "Aren't you going to introduce me?" I should have known he was going to throw me under the bus. But it's one of the funniest moments that I'll never forget.

TL;DR: I asked my friend to introduce himself to a person whose name I should have known but he did the exact opposite.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Illustrious-Ad-4885 on 2024-10-24 18:29:38+00:00.

This happened a few days ago.

I was babysitting my cousin's kid (7f) and we were using chalk on a small chalkboard making funny designs. They were smaller sized chalk pieces, not the big ones for outside art.

As a healthy snack I made a bowl of carrots and set them out. We started to munch on the carrots. At some point in one hand I had a carrot and in the other I had a piece of chalk. I bet you can see where this is going…. I ate the chalk instead of the carrot.

This actually may be the worst feeling I have ever had, my heart just dropped. I don’t think I’ll ever eat carrots again and I am thinking of going to therapy over this trauma.

I hate my life.

TL;DR: I ate a piece of chalk instead of a carrot while playing with a kid. Now I may never be able to eat carrots again and possibly play with chalk.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Gudakesa on 2024-10-24 16:10:34+00:00.

In rare TIFU form, this happened about an hour ago and I am mortified.

I had a virtual interview this morning for a contract gig with a pharmaceutical firm, and as with all the video interviews I do, I set up on the attic of my house on the third floor to avoid distractions from background noises from my family. The attic room is finished as an office, so it looks professional, and my cats rarely go up there so it's a good place for a private call or a video meeting. I have a node for my Wi-Fi extender in that room so the connection is stable and fast. There is not a door to the attic stairs though, we took it off to allow better air circulation and to allow more space in the hallway on the second floor. (The doorway for the attic is right up against the stairs, leaving the door open creates a navigation hazard for my handicapped brother.)

Like I said, the cats *rarely* go up to the attic. Except today. Just as the interview started one of the cats, Moe, decided to "hide" behind my laptop and play with the cord to my camera. I scooped him up and put him on the floor, thinking that the "glitch" for this meeting was past, because there is always a glitch at some point.

The interview was going great, we're having a good conversation about the role and the skills I bring to it when the cats come into the attic. At first they are just playing in the background, so no big deal. I was about to blur the background when they chased each other down the stairs and out of sight. Here is where the FU happened.

As we were about half way through a 45 minute meeting, Moe jumped back up on the desk and started walking across my keyboard. No big deal, but I did not want him to flash his butthole to the camera so I scooped him up again. Except this time Moe did not want to be scooped up and started to protest by getting squirmy. I let him squirm as I lifted him up and moved him back to the floor and he struck out with his back leg, kicking me in the face. With his claws. Hard.

At first I laughed about it with the people on the call, because cats, right? But then I noticed in the thumbnail of my video that i was bleeding, and not just a little bit, but the kind of blood you get when your cat scratches your cheek from the bottom of your eyelid to your nose. It looked like I was weeping blood. I excused myself to get a tissue to staunch the flow and told the people on the call I would go off camera so they wouldn't have to watch me holding a tissue to my face as I bled through the rest of the call, but they each said to stay on camera that they understood, and we continued. They asked a few more questions, I had a couple for them, and we wrapped up on a personal note about our shared hobbies. All while I was bleeding through my second tissue.

Overall I thought the interview went well, but I could have done without the facial laceration. At least they will remember me.

TL;DR My cat Moe kicked me in the face during a video interview. I bled like a stuck pig.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Simple-Programmer-21 on 2024-10-24 09:19:34+00:00.

To those of you who might have wondered if it’s worthwhile to eat a bag of edibles before boarding a flight, my experience might make you think twice. I figured that if I popped a few “special” chocolates after arriving at the airport (but before going through security), I’d sink comfortably into my seat on the plane, have a great time watching a light hearted in-flight comedy movie, and painlessly arrive at my destination before I even knew it. I couldn’t have been more wrong.

Instead, I ended up living my own version of the “I’m goin’ to Disney World” joke, making an incredible fool of myself in front of airport staff, and armed my wife with a story she loves to remind me of - she thinks it’s still just as hilarious as it was the day it happened. 

My wife and I had wanted to visit Disneyland as adults for years - imagining how much fun many of the classic rides there would be after a couple beers, and otherwise really just taking the time to appreciate it all in a way we probably never could have when we were kids. Earlier this year, we finally took the chance to go, and booked our tickets - excited to take a real vacation, and escape to the fantasy world of a Disney park for a few days. 

As the real genius I am, I figured I could only enhance the otherwise boring, uncomfortable and fairly long flight by eating a bunch of edibles once we got to the airport. I figured my timing was perfect - they wouldn’t start kicking in until after we had gotten through security, and they’d last until we arrive, and settled in at our hotel in Anaheim. Except even with my decent tolerance at the time, these particular edibles hit me like a truck, coming at me full-speed. Even after 20 minutes or so, I was already exploring space while in line at security - it took extra concentration to go through each step at the scanners, and even emptying my pockets into the tray on the x-ray conveyor belt was a real fuckin’ struggle. 

By the time we settled into our seats by our gate, I knew I needed to find a way to shake it off. I (pretty abruptly, my wife told me later) stood up and let her know I needed to go for a walk by myself - I figured that would help keep me grounded, and focused on other things. I was also getting worried about being literally grounded - if the gate agents or any of the flight attendants figured out how absolutely blasted I was, they’d probably deny me boarding. After a few minutes, the walk was starting to help, and it was time I headed back to my gate - my boarding time was coming up, and I was going to have to hope I looked at least somewhat sober when getting on the plane. 

Looking around the part of the airport I was in, I didn’t recognize anything around me. Glancing up to the sign above me, my stomach sank when it read “Baggage Claim and Taxi Pickup.” I had somehow gotten out of the departure area - I must have walked through one of those one-way gates you often go through at your destination, without even noticing. I was going to have to go back through security again, and I figured I was screwed. In my head, the TSA agent was going to know how baked I was, and they were going to tell the airline I can’t fly. As I was walking back to the security entrance, my sky-high brain was racing - jumping to the conclusion that I was about to ruin the entire trip by getting our flight cancelled, and my wife was going to be upset, disappointed, and let down. What if getting denied boarding was the last straw in a secret, long list of grievances? What if this event is the catalyst that leads to our marriage falling apart? What if that sends me spiraling into a depression that costs me my job, and I end up living alone in a cardboard box? Such are the thought paths of someone having an exceptionally bad time while absolutely schwacked. 

I arrive back at the security checkpoint, only to seemingly have my fears confirmed. The TSA agent scanning boarding passes at the beginning of the line takes a look at me and says “Wait a minute, didn’t you already come through here? I swear I saw you like half an hour ago. What are you doing back here?” 

In my state of panic, I try my hardest to come up with a casual, yet clear explanation to reply with - something a totally sober guy might say. I manage to muster up my best effort - while not even looking at the TSA agent (I thought I couldn’t let my eyes give myself away, after all!), I reply with a sentence of pure literary mastery. 

“Uhhhh.. I dunno.” 

Except I didn’t even annunciate the words - I just shrugged my shoulders and sort of mumbled it, in a sing-song kind of way. And all while mostly either staring at the floor, or gazing off into the distance. She then pauses for a moment, says “Hmm, ok then,” and asks to see my boarding pass again. She takes a quick glance at it, and asks “Off to LA today?” 

“No, Disneyland!” I replied cheerfully. I don’t know why I didn’t just say yes (I was going to LAX) - I guess I was trying to make conversation? Beats me, now that I’m looking back on it. Right then, the TSA woman looks at me as if she had just made a grand realization - and I figure I’m screwed. She’s on to me. But instead of asking me if I’ve had anything to drink, smoke, or if I was ok to fly, she completely changes her tone of voice. Now, in a happy, higher pitched but slower tone, says back to me “Ohhh how exciting! Well if you got lost, that’s ok! We can help you get back! Then once you get to Disneyland, you’ll get to have soooo much fun on all the rides!”

Meanwhile I’m standing there, obliviously thinking to myself “Yeah, I will have fun! Thanks, strangely friendly TSA lady!” 

In her now extra well pronounced, basic words, she then asks if I have anyone waiting for me at the gate - like an assistant or something. The “assistant” question got me confused - is that some sort of policy-based question I had never heard before? I tell her a simple “No,” while probably still glaring at the wall or something. She then asks if I need any extra help at security, and tells me to “say hi to Micky for me!” Smiling, but still freaking out and slightly confused inside, I let out a simple “Thanks!” and go back through the scanner - I just had to get out of there as quickly as I could. 

Now walking back towards my wife at the gate, it all hits me like a ton of bricks. The TSA agent thought I was another form of “incapacitated” entirely - someone who rode the short bus going to school, and is now on a field trip to Disneyland with support workers and aides. Now turning beat red, I sit back down beside my wife, and before she could say anything, I blurt out: “The entire security staff back there think I’m legitimately mentally handicapped.” 

She still looks back on that as one of her favorite moments of our marriage so far. And as it happens, the flight itself wasn’t even any better on the edibles, either. 

TL;DR: I took too many edibles at the airport before a flight, and somehow wandered out of the departures area. I had to go back through security again to get back to my gate, now worried that I’d be deemed too intoxicated to fly - only to instead have TSA think I was mentally handicapped and requiring special needs assistance.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Vincent_672 on 2024-10-24 08:29:43+00:00.

As the title suggests, I created a social media page that was a parody of what people say my school is like. It was called “(name of school) Irony”

Originally intended to be a joke among my Friends, it posted images and videos of what people go around saying my school is like, such as it’s a “kip” or a “doss”. My school is actually quite nice.

The comedy was meant to be in the fact that it was this amalgamation of ideas that people went around saying our school was like.

It went on for about a week. I created it, posted, and logged out of the account.

After logging back in, I found there to be hundreds of followers, comments and messages.

I left it for another day, before realising that it was probably not a good idea, and deleted the account.

Unfortunately, I was too late. The school had found out, and gotten the police involved. My email was linked to the account, as I hadn’t tried very had to hide the fact it was me, as I never intended it to get so large.

I have been served a 5 day suspension, and am currently sitting at home deeply regretting what I did. I need to think more about my actions going forward for now.

TLDR: I created a parody account of my school. They found out and now I’m suspended

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/a_romantic_demise on 2024-10-24 05:38:18+00:00.

Technically last night, but I am definitely still feeling the effects of this one.

My building’s fire alarm goes off pretty often. Up until this point, it has always been a false alarm, and I frankly got sick of going out at all hours only to be told that it turned out to be nothing. For context, I live on the eighth floor, and when the fire alarm goes off, no matter what the reason is, the elevators do not work, meaning that if I do go out for the alarm, I have to go down eight flights of stairs. As irresponsible as it is, I really don’t always feel like doing that when I know it’s almost certain to be nothing.

So when the fire alarm went off at about 9:30 last night, I was already settled into bed and in my pajamas, completely not feeling like getting dressed to go down for what I assumed to be another false alarm.

This was proven to be a bad assumption when I heard my RA in the hallway SCREAMING that everyone needed to get out of the building immediately. Obviously, this got me up and moving, and when I opened the door, I smelled smoke and immediately realized that this was not, in fact, a false alarm.

So, I got my cat into her carrier and began my descent. Another thing to note: I have EXTREMELY weak leg joints. Hips, knees, and ankles all tend to fail spectacularly at random. My neighbor from across the hall was going down with me, and all seemed well, despite the slight panic of the fire.

That is, until I got to the last five steps.

I really and truly am not sure if my ankle gave out or if I just slipped, but I fell HARD. And because I was carrying my cat, my first instinct was to make sure I didn’t drop the carrier. This led me to holding her up instead of catching myself, which meant that I absolutely slammed into the steps, and the carrier slammed into my shoulder. My neighbor was concerned, but I waved him off, more embarrassed than anything, and we finished getting out.

Turns out, there was a pretty decent sized fire on the ninth floor right above us. I’m still not entirely sure what happened, but from what I’ve heard, a blanket or something caught fire and it was a pretty serious thing. The firefighters got everything handled, and forty minutes later, we were all back inside. Despite the crazy situation and the smoke smell, I thought I was no worse for wear and my cat was chilling, so I went to bed.

It was not until this morning that I realized the extent of the issues my extremely fast exit of the building and the fall it led to had caused.

While I didn’t feel any pain in the moment, I woke up so, so sore. Both shoulders, my entire left leg from hip to ankle, and my back were aching. I had hoped it would get better over the day, but it really didn’t. I still feel like I got hit by a truck as I lay here in bed typing this. I definitely feel like I’ve learned my lesson on this one, and I am yet again cursing my stupid ankles.

TL;DR: I assumed the fire alarm was a false alarm. It was not, and in my hurry to leave with my cat, I ended up falling down the stairs and I am now extremely sore.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/SnooHamsters3137 on 2024-10-24 02:27:58+00:00.

I 28(m) was awoken by her 30(f) this morning playing music. We joked a bit about the music. I recalled she was on teledoc the night before about lack of energy and general malaise. When I remembered this, I asked if she wanted me to pick it up for her (I needed to grab a refill of my medication as well.) She’s a nurse and is always spread pretty thin so I’ve been picking up her meds and running other errands for her for years now. Me getting her meds has been the norm, so I asked if it was ready for pickup.

She became furious with me, saying her meds were none of my business, and to back off. I didn’t press the matter as to allowing me to pick it up, but I groggily tried to clarify I didn’t mean anything and I didn’t want to pry either. I just wanted to get it for her so she didn’t have to, just like every last month. I should have shut up. What ensued was her talking over me every time I spoke, raising her voice, and me trying to raise mine to match. We both got pretty mad, but no one crossed any lines during the conversation. At one point I was speaking very slowly and rather quietly about that I didn’t want anything to be wrong, and I didn’t want her to misunderstand, and that I was going to give her space. When I looked up at her after I said this, (I was on the other side of the room), I saw she had her phone out and it was ringing. I was in disbelief when I heard “911 what’s your emergency,” on the other end.

One night before this she had been triggered by a friend of ours getting too excited in a game we were playing. (Online game, Discord chat, friend is in another state) He got a little loud but maintained a joking tone. Everyone else was laughing. After a while, she came into the same room as me and had me feel her heart and told me how much it bothered her. She has a tough past and I know she can get triggered. However, for the past 3 years she’s been very resilient, and only just now started getting really sensitive again.

I understand I scared her but I want to emphasize that this was not a one sided thing and I have been with her for almost seven years now. For the first 99% of the conversation this was a somewhat tense and at times a little loud altercation, but nothing we haven’t had before, and something that isn’t uncommon in most relationships. We’ve had louder fights where she’s said some really terrible things to me and told me she was done with me, only to act like it never happened a little while later. I regret yelling, I wish I never felt like it was yell or be misunderstood, but just try to understand yelling isn’t all the same.

When I saw she was calling the cops, I calmly and promptly gathered my keys and phone and walked out of the apartment. I heard her tell the operator that she was reporting a domestic dispute. As I walked to my car I also called 911 and informed that I am apparently in a domestic dispute, told my name, my address, my appearance, my car appearance, and where I would be (just up the road.) I drove up the road and waited on the corner, sitting on the curb.

I got a call from my dad while I waited asking if I was okay, and he informed me she had called him saying she didn’t know where I went, that I “stormed out” and that she was packing my bags because we were through. (Mind you I moved to this area, Chicagoland area, to live with her 5 years ago, my dad live 15 hours away.)

As I was talking to him, carefully trying not to foul his opinion of her while also trying to let him know I’m not out of control and I’m not fully sure what’s going on, the police pulled up and began to talk to me.

I calmly told them the story, almost broke down once, and they were actually very understanding and reassuring. They asked me if she was taking her medication and I told them I thought she was. They asked if i thought it was all right if they checked on her and I encouraged them to speak to her because I didn’t want them to only hear from me or let me talk for her. I was under the impression other officers would be in the apartment talking to her at this time. Unbeknownst to me she actually told the operator, after I had left, that she didn’t want any officers to come by and that she didn’t want anything bad to happen to me. Idk what she wanted then. Prior to the officers leaving to check on her, they told me I handled the situation exactly as I should, and that I should wait there.

They ended up talking to her in our apartment for about 5 minutes and she sent them back to check on me. As I waited, in my car at this time at the same location where I was sat, after a little bit, I decided to call and check on her. I asked her whether she spoke to the cops, and she said yes, that they should be on their way to me, and right on queue they pulled up behind me. They said everything was fine, and the male cop starting giving me advice on where to go from there.

After they left, I went back to the apartment, and started talking to her/packing my things. The first argument started at about noon, I was out of the house by 1:30ish, and back in by about 3pm. At 9pm, she called it all off. She told me she still loved me, I apologized for everything. I told her she really scared me too, and there were maybe somethings she shouldn’t have done. Early on in our relationship I knew she could be sensitive so I always avoided yelling. At one point I was told by a therapist that I should be more willing to set boundaries in the relationship, as some of our problems were related to that. They said in most situations yelling should be avoided and I agree. But there indeed are situations where someone should increase the volume of their voice if they are being spoken over in a situation where they need to have boundaries respected or stand up for themselves. In this situation I believed the very extreme misunderstanding was just something I needed to clarify before walking away, as if I left it like that, she would have continued to believe I was trying to do something wrong. At the same time, keep in mind I’m laying in bed half awake when this started. I feel like if anything she caught me off guard and started acting strange when I was in a vulnerable position. Scaring her isn’t justified and it makes me sick to think I did, but I also cannot truthfully say this was a situation in which she would have been afraid any month prior to this one, and I cannot say I had any upper hand or advantage or that I was cornering her or in her face or anything. I was facing away from her for most of the conversation and only got up to leave the room when I was trying to clarify right before she called them.

When she called off kicking me out, I promised I wouldn’t raise my voice anymore. This isn’t a hard promise for me to make. I had done it before and only started raising my voice because I believed it was important to show controlled sternness when necessary, something I think she should be able to do as well, and something she does do.

At any rate, it’s now two days later, we have been cuddling, getting food together, watching tiktoks, and she has again decided, due to a quiet disagreement before bed last night, which we spoke about very civilly and very quietly and actually quite briefly, which she can’t get out of her mind, that because we have problems sometimes, which she magnifies as “we have constant issues,” we are incompatible. She is now calmly kicking me out, (I didn’t unpack just in case,) sans the police.

I love her. She was obsessed with me before we started dating and we have been in love for 6 years now. It’s just so hard to think it got like this. And I know it really seems like something must have happened but I swear she is not acting herself. I asked her a question two days ago so I could run an errand and it escalated very slowly and not even that much and she eventually decided to call the police. I don’t have a criminal record, I don’t hurt people or women or animals or anyone. It’s horrifying. I left my life to live with her. As I have been living with her, she decided she made enough money that she didn’t need me to work anymore and wanted me to take care of the dog and the house and help her out with anything. I’m always trying to find ways to help.

At any rate I’m now left jobless, homeless, and 15 hours away from my family in Chicago. The love of my life is acting like a different person and I feel like she only hears half of everything I’m saying.

I wanted to marry her. If I needed to find a way to buy a ring to propose, then it was going to take time in our situation. Otherwise, I’m also not against her proposing, but she never did, despite 100% having the means. Maybe she never really wanted to despite everything. I don’t know.

So now I’m packing my things into my car and getting ready to leave. I don’t really know where to go or what to do except back to where I was born. It just feels like I wasted 6 years of my life, and lost all the connections and progress that I had before I moved. Before I met her I had a job and friends and I was close with my family and I had a place to live. Then I met her and gained a girlfriend and a future wife. Now I have none of it.

TL;DR: I asked her when her medication would be ready, she misunderstood me? and we raised our voices. She called the cops. She’s breaking up with me. We’ve been together for 6 years and wanted to get married.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/mrawesomesword on 2024-10-23 23:59:02+00:00.

My brother got married recently, and I served as both best man and DJ in a small, backyard wedding. I did my part to make their special day special, and I didn't do too badly, but I did have one FU that made things rather awkward for the bride for a moment.

So, for reference, my brother and his now wife both have a very crude, raunchy sense of humor that does not acknowledge any sort of politeness or social boundaries. This is an important detail that plays an important part in my thinking.

The groomsmen were getting their little boutonnieres ready and pinned for the ceremony. They were all labeled with our names, and we all picked the one that matched. However, there was one labeled "Ex." This label threw me for a loop, because one of the groomsmen actually was her ex, from her teenage years. The relationship didn't work out, but they remained friends after breaking up, and my brother became good friends with him too. (He's now dating her sister, which is rather weird, but he's a good guy and everyone is okay with it, so it's not my place to judge.)

Reading "Ex" in the label, I actually thought the boutonniere was for her ex, with a rather cheeky label. She was helping get them on the groomsmen, and I thought I'd be helpful and bring it to both of them since they were in the same area, getting stuff ready. However, when I brought it to them, he already had his on. I asked "Wait, so the one with 'Ex' is not for him"?

She said "No, I meant extra, not ex! ACHGGHGG! I used to date him! NOOO!"

I just apologized and removed myself from the situation. Luckily she forgot about it by the time the ceremony and reception happened, and I know for a fact I have more good karma than bad karma from her for playing the Cha Cha Slide and getting my usually sober self drunk at her wedding (she explicitly wanted me to). Still a bit of an awkward mistake on my part.

TL;DR: Thought "Ex" on a boutonniere meant ex-boyfriend and tried giving it to the bride's ex-boyfriend, but it actually meant extra. Bride retches at being reminded they used to date.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/binzie on 2024-10-23 21:57:57+00:00.

School pickup is a dangerous mess of cars going too fast from one million different lanes, and families trying to cross a busy road on top of it. Every day I'm trying not to cause or be offed by a car wreck and also not accidentally run down a family.

Today I picked up one kid from school and my mom picked up the other. I was leaving from one parking lot with one kid in my car, and my mom, from the lot across the busy street with my other kid in her car.

I say this with love and also frustration: my mom is someone who will make the simplest tasks infinitely difficult by trying to guess what the other person will want, and bending over backwards to try and make it easier for them. Except it always makes it harder. Every time.

So there we were, my mom and I, two cars waiting to turn across a busy four lane street. Cars flying by. People walking everywhere. Cars waiting behind me, for me to turn. I see my mom across the way. She needs to turn right so then I can turn left, as is the way of traffic rules. And turning right is pretty easy! But she won't do it, because she's waiting for me to turn left, which is very hard. She's trying to be nice. But it's making it impossible. It's already so hard to keep track of traffic flow and now she's adding this weird stressful layer instead of simply turning right. And now I'm going, and stopping, and going, and braking, on repeat, and am stuck in the street. Now cars are honking behind me, and also on sides of me. I can't turn and I can't stay put. Finally my mom turns right, with my daughter waving sweetly from the back seat. I turn left, finally.

I am literally shaking and realize after coming out of my fugue state that I've been screaming "Go! Mom! Fucking GO, Jesus CHRIST!" with my 7 year old, her grandchild, in the back seat. Also my other child and my mom also probably saw.

I never intentionally swear in front of them and definitely try not to lose my gd mind in front of them. But I did, and am pretty sure my daughter will tell her grandma all about it, if my mom couldn't see my reaction already. Sorry Mom. :(

TL;DR: My mom tried to be nice and almost got us all killed so I accidentally yelled at her in front of her grandchild.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/finnigansbaked on 2024-10-23 19:55:38+00:00.

I've been wearing contacts for probably 15+ years. They've never been entirely comfortable, but I've kinda just sucked it up because it's convenient especially for things like being active.

Last visit to the eye doctor I told him my current lenses were ok but maybe could be better. He adjusted with a different brand with slightly different size and fit for each eye. Also adjusted the prescription just slightly.

A week or so later the shipment comes in, I pick them up. I still had some old pairs left so I go through those, then months later I start wearing the new ones. Placebo effect, I tell myself they're maybe slightly better. Mostly the same. Idk. Hard to tell. Some days they feel better than others.

Fast forward a year later to today. My eyes have really been bothering me the past month or so. Worse than ever. Like I can't wear my contacts more than 3 or 4 hours without feeling pain. I decide I'm going to make the jump to wearing dailies instead of monthlies. I start shopping around for daily contacts online and pull out the boxes and the copy of my prescription from my eye doctor. I now realize they put the "L" and "R" stickers on the wrong boxes and I've been wearing them in the wrong eyes for the past year.

TL;DR: Eye doctor mislabeled my contacts after last visit, I didn't double check

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/himynameisbugs on 2024-10-23 20:03:00+00:00.

I've been on antihistamines for a couple months and recovering from a few months of major allergic rashes and hives, which also torched my mental health, making me so exhausted I had to go on new meds. I've been back and forth between meds since. The exhaustion has come back this past couple weeks, even though I've been going to bed on time and taking my night meds that used to guarantee I'd be conked out for the night. Now, they haven't been doing much and I've been having insomnia but on the verge of falling asleep all day. My work starts at 8 a.m. and I have to be there then because I'm the front desk person.

Sometimes I have to nap in my car in my workplace parking lot during my half hour lunch to regain enough energy to keep working. That was the case today, but I woke up to a police officer opening my car door. There were 2 ambulances and like 8+ police/first responders that pulled up. Apparently someone had been "worried about me" but hadn't decided to knock on my window or speak to me before calling the police. (I work downtown near where a lot of homeless people gather and we get a lot of overdoses here).

Our Fiscal department can see all activity in the parking lot from their windows upstairs. I also came in to a frienzied member of the HR team asking where the Narcan was because they were worried they'd have to use it after they saw all the ambulances pull up.

tl;dr I napped in my car during my lunch break from work - a bunch of ambulances and first responders pulled up and people thought I was dying.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Cool-Change7987 on 2024-10-23 12:24:55+00:00.

So, my office threw a Halloween party, and we were encouraged to come dressed in costumes. I wanted to make a good impression since my boss is super into Halloween, and I figured I'd stand out by going all-in. After much deliberation, I decided to dress up as a mummy—classic, right? Except, instead of using a store-bought costume, I thought it’d be “more authentic” to wrap myself up with actual toilet paper.

I spent the whole morning wrapping layer after layer of TP around me. I looked ridiculous but kind of cool, too—or so I thought. I got to the party feeling pretty confident. Things were fine until I got near the snack table, where someone spilled punch, and I didn’t notice until it was too late. My TP started soaking it up, and before I knew it, I was slowly unraveling and leaving soggy, punch-soaked toilet paper everywhere I went.

To make it worse, as I tried to salvage what was left of my costume, I accidentally knocked over a giant pumpkin centerpiece… onto my boss. He got covered in punch, too. I stood there, half-unwrapped, drenched, and horrified, while everyone just kind of stared.

Safe to say, I won't be winning “Best Costume” this year.

TL;DR: Dressed as a mummy using toilet paper for the office Halloween party. Got soaked in punch, unraveled everywhere, and accidentally knocked a pumpkin onto my boss. Totally ruined the party.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/iamnotdownwithopp on 2024-10-23 03:35:07+00:00.

But not really eating anything. I choked on the first bite at a fancy restaurant, like $140 per plate, during a work gathering for high level management. This was the first and probably last time I will be invited. I'm not technically at their level but there's no one above me in my department, so I'm the default director. The bite got lodged in my throat and I started coughing. I managed to get away from the table and into the restroom, which was dark and dingy, and spewed the bite into the toilet. After that, every bite I took did the same thing, even sips of water. My esophagus seized on everything and I kept burping up the one seltzer water I had before we sat down. I played it off OK and no one took much notice but I didn't actually eat or drink anything and made several trips to the bathroom. All I wanted was to leave but I couldn't go first and draw attention to myself.

TL;DR Couldn't swallow the first bite at a work dinner and spent most of the time gagging up a fruity seltzer instead of networking with the people who could get me a raise.

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/bruhgubgub on 2024-10-23 02:29:11+00:00.

I am scarred, I am wounded, I am worn. I have been to hell and back, I have been toe to toe with god, and I came out on top.

My asshole is no longer bleeding, the liquid shits have ceased, however I had a blockage southeast.

For those that asked, no my tongue never felt like it was burning.

To those of you that wanted to know how my cum taste, shame on you. My mother reads these posts and she damn near had a heart attack (likely from her cigarette habit).

To those of you concerned about my daily diarrhea dungeon, the encounter has been bludgeoned. Since that fateful Saturday, it's been rainbows and flowers, bees all over every hour.

To the one person that called me a slob, you have 300,000+ comment karma, get off your soapbox, most likely still packaged because you don't shower.

I do not have a scat fetish, but the feeling of a waterfall coming out of my anus is like no other. The person that wanted to see my soiled boxers is the candidate with a scat fetish.

I have gone to the doctor, they gave me a finger up the bum bum and the results came back.

I have the finest poo chute on the planet. They told me they have never had anyone come in with concerns and be more fine than me.

I have the BEST arsehole on the planet. I will scream it from the rooftops.

Now, my girlfriend did tell me stop eating the pineapple (yes I have a girlfriend rare for someone with a reddit account to obtain such a thing) it was a long 2 days of no orgasmic citrus goodness, but it was needed. I mentioned I had a blockage southeast, now this one was scary. I measured it, 8" diameter and my asshole felt like it was gonna fall out but I prospered and didn't even need the poop knife.

To the pineapple haters, our leaders will find you

To the pineapple people, join us. We will conquer the world.

And by pineapple people I don't mean swingers when I first heard of swingers I thought it was people that enjoyed saucer swings

TL;DR: I ate lots of pineapple and had a bloody ass hole and now I'm good