Asklemmy

43822 readers

929 users here now

A loosely moderated place to ask open-ended questions

Search asklemmy 🔍

If your post meets the following criteria, it's welcome here!

Open-ended question
Not offensive: at this point, we do not have the bandwidth to moderate overtly political discussions. Assume best intent and be excellent to each other.
Not regarding using or support for Lemmy: context, see the list of support communities and tools for finding communities below
Not ad nauseam inducing: please make sure it is a question that would be new to most members
An actual topic of discussion

Looking for support?

Looking for a community?

Lemmyverse: community search
sub.rehab: maps old subreddits to fediverse options, marks official as such
!lemmy411@lemmy.ca: a community for finding communities

~Icon~ ~by~ ~@Double_A@discuss.tchncs.de~

founded 5 years ago

MODERATORS

How can I improve my communication with a friend I like? (mander.xyz)

submitted 2 months ago by Mothra@mander.xyz to c/asklemmy@lemmy.ml

42 comments fedilink hide all child comments

There is this guy I like, I have reason to think he may like me too but we're both playing dumb, or maybe I'm just imagining it all.

Yes, that's how immature I am. Now please help me.

We've known each other for years and we seem to get close to each other, then we take distance, then close again, repeat, repeat, repeat.

I'm terrified of losing him as a friend for trying to be more than just that. I've already lost people for showing my interest and I've also had to burn the bridge with guys who wouldn't give me space or kept hitting up on me repeatedly. This happens.

I would like to create a consistent, regular conversation going on. I'm afraid of overwhelming him so I don't even know what's a good frequency to reach out.

Personally the biggest challenge for me is finding ways to deepen our conversations. Things tend to stay pretty much on the surface most of the time, even though we can talk of almost any topic openly. Another barrier is our very different interests, we have almost no shared media in common (different music, different shows watched/liked, different videogames liked etc).

Usually when talking to other friends, conversations tend to naturally steer towards more meaningful topics. I don't know if I'm inadvertently holding myself back with him, or if finding meaningful topics has always been a thing started by the other person and I've never realized it.

So, any tips?

Have you got ways to deepen conversations?

Guys, have girls ever impressed you positively and how?

Thanks

you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments

[–] Mothra@mander.xyz 7 points 2 months ago (1 children)

Thanks. I appreciate knowing first hand from a guy who didn't make the first move AND still got to stay with her for a long time; all other stories of girls making the first move I've heard either don't work or end in very short term relationships.

I think I'm not being demonstrative enough, and he probably thinks I'm not interested. There is enough reason for that. But it could also be that he's not wanting to commit to anything so he's not asking me anything. I dread this second option. I'm rambling already. What I'm trying to say, in response to your account of not getting the flirts, is that there was some flirting on both sides but also plenty of mixed signals.

[–] psycotica0@lemmy.ca 7 points 2 months ago (1 children)

I'm a man, my wife made the first move, and I'm very glad she did! Taking the step from friend (or even just acquaintances) to more is risky for anyone. But, and maybe I'm biased here, I think it's currently even more risky for guys. Word can get around, and you're more likely to not just lose the one friendship, but to be labeled "creepy" generally if you're wrong. Of course it's possible for that to happen to a woman, but it's way less likely for a woman to be perceived as a creep in general, and also men don't talk amongst themselves the way women tend to.

Anyway, I knew my wife from a social space, and I didn't want to be the guy who poisoned the environment and made it an uncomfortable location for women by pursuing any of them. So I was friendly and tried to be as non threatening as possible, which meant no asking out. So I was very relieved when she made a move!

Don't know if your situation is anything like that, I'm just unsure of your source that says "active woman means short term". I mean, think of all the dudes hitting on strangers in bars which either turns into a one night stand or a short fling. The averages have got to be better than that, right?

[–] Mothra@mander.xyz 2 points 2 months ago

Thanks. I don't know where I got my sources, possibly internet experts, some of my friends, my mother, other women I've met briefly.

I am a recluse practically, and we've been meeting just the two of us so there would be no toxic environment or anything. The one with stakes to lose is me, since we work in a similar industry (well atm I'm on retail but hopefully I can find a job doing what I like again) and word spreads fast. I already have two embarrassing experiences with people who are in the industry and it does NOT look helpful at all when applying for jobs. I'm always wondering if any of those guys is ever reviewing applications and if that has any impact on it.

But what you say is true though. I hate this so much