Two main problems I have with cast iron - the care that they take is too much effort, and their constant risk of rusting if they’re not coated in oil at all times is just too much bullshit to deal with for a kitchen tool.

I don't use cast iron either they're heavy and I generally don't need the heat capacity. Think De Buyer Mineral B, in that direction.

Care+feeding in the usual case consists of as little as wiping them down with some kitchen tissue, or holding them under water and rummaging around a bit with a bristle brush (don't use a plastic one they can't take the heat), then re-applying oil which is literally a second of work. In nasty cases, steel wool instead of brush.

Explaining all that took longer than actually doing it. Residual heat does most of the work: Evaporating left-over water. It might also already polymerise the new oil a bit, but generally that's done when you heat the pan up rule of thumb if it's not smoking off then you aren't frying at temperature.

Also it's not like the pan would break instantly if you leave it out without a coat of oil. Some fly rust, is all, nothing serious. Scrub it off with steel wool or leave it on it actually doesn't matter iron oxide won't kill you.

The other issue is that I try as best as I can to do oil-free cooking, and cast iron is antithetical to that.

Vilifying fat is a ploy of the sugar and tobacco industry. Literally, it's all well-documented: The sugar industry to sell more sugar, the tobacco industry to blame the epidemic of heart disease on anything but smoking.

Also we're talking about drops, you do not need more than a thin film on the thing. Thin as in "try to get it all off with kitchen tissue". If you burn it off when heating though you need to add some more before adding ingredients, what the Chinese call "hot wok, cold oil", it's a simple and reliable way to get excellent anti-stick. You don't need Chinese amounts of oil for that, maybe a tablespoon (actual one not those strange US measurements).