this post was submitted on 23 Sep 2024
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Bleeeh ๐คท Really wishing I could play certain games. Am missing ESO really hard latelish ๐ Money concerns getting real nasty. Bills piling up upon themselves. Local cash assistance stuff has been unhelpful and I don't know what to do about that. Finally got a therapist... who seems to be just kinda going through paperwork with nothing to say of her own and no actually listening/talking to me. Just, y'know, filling out forms kinda stuff. For hours at a time @.@ Idunno if it's really supposed to be like this for the first several appointments but I just feel like I'm not going to get any actual help from her. I think my way forward right now is to get onto SSI and see a psychiatrist and a therapist who's actually good for me, but I'm kinda afraid to say any of that to her (and make myself look like I'm just looking for free money or something, and... Idunno just vibes-wise, I guess, I feel like she's not exactly eager to help) and don't know what else to do ๐คท :-\ So I'm just kinda stuck in this "Well, now what?" spot trying not to think about how unlikely it is that I'll be able to escape more awful messness. Even having debt collectors to look forward to sounds like torture, given some of my problems.
Bleh. Very bleh! Double bleh with an ugh on top. Also maybe a little grr. frusses noisily, then skitters into a nearby cloud ๐ถโ๐ซ๏ธ
Edit: Oh, and I've got some kinda spot like I oopsed up a rib or something and it hurts a lot when I sneeze D: Also hurts when I move some ways. Unfun!
It is not supposed to feel like that. Sorry to hear that! My first therapist was not the best for me, but even still I remember being excited and energized about therapy after the very first session and many more after. I think your goal of finding a NEW therapist is a smart one! I'm sorry about the struggles you are going through, I hope it turns around soonish โค
What's preventing you from playing ESO?
Thankies! Calling and going are hugely difficult for me so finding and setting up with a new one is gonna be rough. ... If I can even bring myself to do it :-\ Bleeegh!
Can't play ESO because I've only got my laptop and it just cannot run the game playably. Had to leave my (rather old but still vaguely capable) gaming box when I fled a few months ago. wobble Something that makes it even worse is knowing I could easily lose interest instantly upon loading the game back up ๐ Something I've put a lot of time into tends to fail to hold interest no matter how much I feel like I'll love getting back into it, once I've left it. ... I lose interest pretty quickly, unfortunately. Have to have new ways of doing things or I have no interest in doing them even if they're new things. Finishing games is hard for me because there's usually no growing or (mechanical) learning left to do at the end :-\
I am probably more neurotypical than you, and I absolutely have the same problem. Don't beat yourself up about it too much, it is objectively difficult to do.
Ugh that stinks. There are probably tons of indie and other 2D games that would work though? Have any of those caught your interest at all lately?
I've been playing a lot of Space Empires IV ๐ Am gonna keep trying stuff. May have another pass at my Itch library. I'm just kinda missing Elder Scrolls specifically, I guess, and though I could play Daggerfall and/or Morrowind, they just make me miss ESO ๐ Maybe I'll try anyway. scritches at imaginary itch ๐
I don't even know if the ancient attic wiring up here could handle a gaming rig ๐
Also, making calls and going places isn't just "difficult" for me. I get actually physically ill. Even (somewhat) medicated I can be stuck in the restroom anxing for an hour before going on a two-minute ride down the road to pick up snacks from the local shop. I will put off a simple call, incurring debts or penalties or whatever, for months or years just because I can't get myself to press the button to call. A lot of people say "Oh, it's like that for everyone" but it is not. "Everyone hates phones," people tell me, but few dread them.
...Unless it's like that for everyone and this world's even more asinine that I'd realized. Surely there's no way everyone's just accepted being terrified constantly. Maybe they have and I'm the only rational person on Earth, baffled that the people around me think panic is normal and I'm weird for not accepting that ๐ค ๐ฎโ๐จ
wobbles away mumbling
it sounds like you are really going through a lot, and tbh i really admire your ability to maintain a playful attitude through it all!
RE: the games: I'm racking my brain and struggling a little bit to think of suggestions (not that you asked for them). I remember I was able to get Gothic II working on an old netbook back in the day, so older games like Space Empires are def the way to go!
I'm sorry about your anxiety issues ๐ I also have a (much less severe) anxiety disorder and am blessed to have meds that dramatically improved that for me. I find a lot of times, when I am anxious about something, it is really hard to get going but then much easier once i force myself to do the thing. It sounds like that may not be the case for you, but idk. Coping is a complicated system of tricking myself into starting things before i have time to anxious-spin about it.
I don't really have a clear idea of "who I am" but I'm clearly some kinda weird goofy wiggly thingy at my core ๐ wiggles to illustrate
Also my thing is like yours, I clear up (or think I do) pretty quick once I've started. It's just terrifying to start anything that isn't very familiar :-\ I don't quite even know the rules for that familiarity threshold. Bleh! 'Course, judging by my amazingly high blood pressure when I started getting that treated... could be I just get past a threshold and go from "super anxy" to "so anxy I can't even feel it any more" ๐คท Is weird. Am weird. extra shrug to illustrate very-shrugness