This is one of the reasons I don't like dogs who lick people. I'm fine with your dog until he starts trying to lick me.

I also don't like when your laying down, and the cat walks on your chest, just to block your view of the tv, and sticks it's butthole in your face. You're all like "eeewwww, no cat butt!!!" But the cat is like "meow!". You have to tell them "Look, we've been over this. I don't speak meow. You need to learn more words. Like if I pull a can of f-o-o-d out, you go nuts. And I have to spell that word, because I'm not trying to excite you, and then disappoint you. Because I'm NOT an asshole, and am being empathetic to YOUR feelings. Unlike you."

And she says "Meow".

And I say "I still don't get the nuances of meow language. It can't be one word that means everything. This isn't Hawaii."

And she says "Meow."

It's a losing battle trying to teach cats to speak english when they lack vocal cords. But maybe it's a good thing they can't speak. They could be like carrots. Always screaming how much pain they're in, and how they have a baby carrot at home. All just because I'm trying to make a salad.

Now.......cucumbers? They scare me. They're practically giddy to be chopped up. Real masochists.

But at least they're not smug, like George Clooney. The smug bastard!