this post was submitted on 02 Sep 2023
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Just misunderstanding social cues. Where I live (Spain), there's a script you're supposed to follow for certain things and newcomers, understandably, don't understand the script. One famous example is buying new clothes. They all look great on. The idea here is that the poor person spent their hard-earned money on the new clothes. Damned right they look great on! Another would be birthdays celebrated in public venues. Perhaps someone you know is celebrating their birthday in a public venue and you had no idea they were celebrating their birthday on that day. You walk up to them and wish them a happy birthday, BUT you were not invited to this celebration. Since you weren't invited you did not come prepared with a present for the birthday person. The safe thing to do is to ignore, socialize with the people you came with, and make like that person isn't even there until they approach YOU. When and if they approach you, you make pretend you're all distracted and you have to be like, "Ahhh! I didn't see you! What's up?" The reason: that person is buying all the invitees the drinks and food. In exchange, the invitees have brought presents. It's a very nuanced and weird situation all of us have encountered. We err on the fear of not having brought a present because we had no idea because we were not invited.
The birthday thing fascinates me because it's the exact opposite of how you would handle it in the US. Here you would wish them a happy birthday and then move on since you weren't invited.
In the USA, the birthday thing is the best thing about the USA. It's all about being selfless (I'm American btw, been living in Spain for so long I'm a citizen) and it's actually something that creates conflict in interpersonal relationships between natives of Spain and the friends they make that are not from here. It is a huge drama that somebody needs to make a documentary film about now. This birthday thing has no age. It could be a 20th birthday or a 100th birthday. You ain't invited, you didn't know, you didn't bring the presents, you just keep to yourself in the public venue. It's harsh. It's harsh because you were excluded and you don't care, because you're American, you just want to be nice and wish them a happy birthday. Spanish people are all nope on that shit. It's all about the presents and who bought you the drinks and food.
are you saying its transactional then? like a social contract of "it's my birthday, so I'm paying for my guests food and drink." You, my guest, have accepted that contract by bringing a gift?
This flies in the face of birthdays I'm used to. There's no expectation that If I invite someone to my birthday that a) they need to give me a gift (I would never expect that) or b) I'm paying for their food and drink. I guess because that social contract isn't in place, the idea that someone can come over and say happy birthday isn't a big deal. It's just a gathering that happens to be on my birthday.
It's not really transactional. It's just a situation where you got left out of the birthday and happened to go out to the same place where the birthday is being celebrated. However, it's interesting to note that there is no such thing as a surprise birthday party. The birthday boy or girl is the one that throws the party because of the reciprocity aspect. You wouldn't be caught dead attending a birthday without a present for the person whose birthday it is. You also wouldn't be caught dead letting people bring you birthday presents AND buying you dinner. It's more like "tit for tat" than "transactional."
That's interesting. Would you please further explain the clothes shopping thing? Is it that it is rude for a shopkeeper or, say, the people you may be shopping with to say anything except "That looks great on you"?
It's more like after they bought the new clothes. Like, your friend bought new clothes and wants to show you what they bought. It could be a friend, a brother, a sister, a cousin, an aunt, anybody. While shopping for clothes, before they buy the clothes, is the right time to criticize. It's perfectly acceptable, and desired, to be out shopping and trying on clothes before buying them, to say whatever you like. "That makes your ass look huge, don't buy that!" is desired, not discouraged. Never trust the salesperson. The employee of the store is going to tell you it all looks good so you buy it, even if it looks bad. They even try to sell you more crap, saying things go together when they don't. I'm talking about after they bought the clothes and they're showing you what they bought because you're their friend or relative or whatever.
Is it not true in the US too? I wouldn't tell someone who wasn't a very close friend that their new outfit looked bad after they'd already bought it. That just sounds like a jerk move even here.
Yeah, it's very similar, but at home in the US I can think of a few situations where it might be ok to say it looks bad from my personal life.
Got it. That makes way more sense. Thanks for taking the time to explain it.
huh, so the implication is that saying it looks good means that you're passing judgment on the outfit when it would be incorporate? to my American sensibilities when i pay a compliment it's just to be encouraging. there's no thought in my head that i might say something negative about it. sometimes it's like seeing a kitten and going "aww" I just try to let the kind impulse thoughts out intentionally. especially when complimenting my fellow men's appearance. we don't get that enough otherwise.
Lmao wtf is going on with the birthday party one.
I really think it would be a great movie plot. Could even be a slasher film.