The world seems to be shrouded in evil. I feel helpless and desperate in my own life. I crave small acts of kindness.
But it feels like the vast majority of humans are either evil, or passive/complicit. I wonder if Calvin was right, if we all fundamentally depraved and evil.
My president is a rapist. Children are being deported. People are being sent to a death camp.
I know there were protests. But is anything changing? Even if a miracle happened - I have to live with the fact that people supported this man.
I’m trans and live in a place where most people voted for this. They want trans people dead. They want immigrants dead. The friendly old lady at the 7-11 cheers when she reads that a democratic lawmaker was shot; the church pastor is in a Facebook group where they talk about how much he would like to shoot trans women.
I stay alive to fight. I get bursts of dopamine from sex and alcohol, which gets me through most days - the promise of release at the end. I did have weed, but my license expired and I probably can’t get a new one until a few months.
I wanted children and a family and a house. I wanted a career in a field I loved.
I sleep on a pile of patched blankets and pillows I make with thrifted stuffing. I own two chairs. I’ve worked really hard all of my life - I worked multiple jobs to get through college, I work multiple jobs now. I don’t have insurance and I’m going to have to skip seeing my shrink until school is in session again and I can make a little more.
I’m drowning in despair. I’ve been drowning in despair. Where is there hope in the world?
I'm just saving up for my acreage in the wilderness where I can grow my own food with my cat and dog and stay away from the rest of the world. People suck everywhere. I'm done engaging with them and with the world.
you'll find good company one day =)
i'm growing legumes of all kinds. thankful to grow, good for the soil, good for protein. a field of food-grade hemp also binds more CO² than a forest! ask me to share sources and yap on about it and i will lol