Hi dad, unfortunately my biological dad doesn't offer me his support, so I write here.
I am 26 years old and I am living with my parents but I really wish I had the energies to move out. My parents are physically abusive towards one another, my mother suffers from schizophrenia and thinks everyone hates her, uses me as a punchbag for her emotions and criticizes all of my choices. My father cheats on her and is emotionally unavailable for me. If I were a normal person I'd just head out of here, but unfortunately "normal" I am not as I myself suffer from diagnosed general (and quite strong) anxiety and I think some depression as well and everything seems so difficult for me.
I also feel really ashamed for having failed college, sometimes I even feel 'stupid' because of it. Now I’m working as an unskilled employee, and it makes me afraid to move out because I constantly worry: will I be able to find another job?
On top of that, I feel a lot of pressure at work. I’m the only one who can maintain and develop the company’s software. While we have other team members, like an AI prompt engineer, a backup engineer, several people in sales, and a graphic designer, I’m the only actual developer. My colleagues have told me that if I left it would be very difficult for them to keep things running, and some even said they'd have to quit too. That kind of responsibility weighs heavily on me.
I'd also love to go back at college but time is running up before I lose the credits I acquired. But I don't know how I could study while also maintaining myself with a full time job.
Sorry dad for pouring all that on you. I really don't know what to do and I feel really lost. A hug would be more than enough.
As someone that grew up in an abusive household with shitty parents, I feel you. Your issues with anxiety and depression are almost certainly a result of the environment you are in, and getting out of it will help you heal. It's hard to heal when you're still in toxic environment causing your issues.
Something to be aware of having shitty parents is that it warps your perspective on love and healthy relationships. You tend to be attracted to and tolerate other shitty people in your life because it is what you are used to and it feels "normal" to you. I went from abusive parents to a series of abusive romantic relationships and friendships, and had absolutely no clue. I'll also add that shitty parents tend to lean heavily on emotional invalidation, which causes you to disregard your own feelings about what is going on, making it much more difficult to make the necessary changes to clear the toxic people out of your life. Given the limited information, I suspect your parents are passing on intergenerational trauma, and you should look into the tactics of narcissistic abuse and how to spot toxic people. In my case, I went from shitty parents to having shitty people in my life, and it almost killed me.
With respect to school and "failure", understand that failure is a necessary component of success. Failure is only a temporary setback. I've had some amazing success in my life and achieved remarkable things, and have experienced plenty of failure along the way. Try something, fail, assess your failure and learn what you can from it, try again, fail better. There are millions of great quotes about the value of failure, including this one from Michael Jordon:
Confidence isn't knowing that you'll succeed. Confidence is knowing that you may fail, and being okay with it. Never be afraid to fail.
With respect to going back to school, or any daunting task, break it down into smaller tasks that can be accomplished. The Grand Canyon was formed by a river that eroded the land little by little. Set your goals, and then take the small steps necessary to move towards them. You've got this. Take care.