Dad for a Minute

Some advice for you, education become less relevant as time moves on and your experience becomes your qualifications.

Get writing a CV and feel good about how good you can make yourself look on paper, and don't forget that everyone embellishes.

You sound pretty secure in your role now, so feel good about that, but rest assured you'll move on to a better job either by choice or redundancy and that's OK.

everone has given great advice, and I have nothing much to add, so mostly commenting for a hug.

just remember - you are a developer - you are skilled. and since you are already working, you do not neccessarily need a college degree. You can always keep scaling up, learn new stuff, but a official degree is nothing much, but a certificate to prove that you can work. Since you already work, that is not required.

do not feel bad for others working in your company. I am not saying that do not feel bad if they also lave to leave job, but what I am saying is - do not take it personally. If they are close to you, they can probably understand your situation already.

I am sorry for your parents. I am not going to comment anything about your dad, but I can only make 1 request - If possible, when you move out, please take your mother. It would be better for her to not go through abuse, and it may lead to her health improving and maybe her behaviour improving towards you. But only do so if you are financially stable to support the atleast 2 of you.

Hey son,

It sounds like you are a skilled employee. One important lesson is that employers by their very nature try to minimize pay and this can lead to you feeling unvalued or unskilled but don't believe it. Know your worth. If nothing else use this time as a learning experience. Are you learning something that moves you forward in your career? Great. If not then try as hard as you can to learn on your off hours. I know that's hard but that's what i had to do when i was working retail

As far as failing college... don't dwell on this. I think you can learn a lot about someone's failures. The important things are this:

• are you going to let this failure define you?
• what are you going to do next?
• are you going to keep telling yourself you can't do something?

The biggest disservice you can do to yourself is tell yourself you can't do something. If part of you says that then tell that part "hey fuck you, i can do this!". No matter how many times you fall, don't stop believing in yourself. Everyone fails, or they aren't pushing themselves.

If you really want to go back to college then make it happen. Online classes or night classes will be better for your work schedule, that's how i was able to do it. It took me years doing part time classes while working full time but i eventually graduated.

Now come here and give your old man a hug kid

Hey kid, developers are skilled employees. Use this to your advantage. Best way to raise your skill level (and income) is to change jobs when you start feeling burnt out. With more income, moving out becomes more feasible. It never hurts to throw some resumes around and see what’s available.

... unskilled employee ... only actual developer ...

If you're a developer, especially one who is a key role, you are skilled.

College isn't for everyone, and if it's not for you, right now or ever, you are not a failure.

I've been saddled with mental health "issues" for as long as I can remember, and it's only been quite recently that I dared to imagine that I might be "better than I was before," in a kind of sticky permanent way. I don't want you to have to spend so much time fighting yourself. Seek professional help if you aren't already. It will be work, and it might get worse before it gets better. Medication can be part of the answer, if you're down in a hole, you need a ladder, but you still have to climb it. The ladder just makes it possible.

Priority: take care of yourself first. You are not responsible for your parents; you cannot fix them, at least not while you're drowning yourself. Even if you felt every confidence, it would be a herculean task for you to sort them out. They are who they are, not who you wish they would be, I'm afraid.

Living on your own is expensive, I know. You'll need to save money, lots of it. That might be a lifestyle change.

Your time will come.

Hey there,

We have a lot in common, you and I. I was diagnosed with general anxiety after self medicating myself to alcoholism. Therapy and medication both helped me and now I take 100mg of Sertraline to manage it. You are more normal than you think; many people are fighting hidden mental health battles.

I too "failed" college but it didn't stop me from learning and growing and building a career in IT. Your value and your capability are not determined by a degree. You are a skilled employee and you can build on that skill without the traditional school method, if you want. Depending on where you are IT is a tough market right now. It doesn't hurt to find out what else is out there and get practice interviewing, but if the market is tight it's better to only leave your current job if you have a new one lined up.

Now about your current job. If you are the only one who can maintain and develop the company’s software and you're coworkers are telling you how vital you are then you have leverage to request a pay increase. If you want to go elsewhere then you should do that. You need to take care of yourself and your own well being first.

As the great Bill Withers once sang, "You just call on me, brother, when you need a hand. We all need somebody to lean on. I just might have a problem that you'll understand. We all need somebody to lean on."

🤗

My dear, I am sorry to hear you are trough a rough patch.

I think that for running, you need to have your legs, feet and muscles working. If they don’t, you need to go to a doctor before enrolling in a marathon. So that would be my path.

You mentioned you are not easily replaceable at work, that causes stress but also work safety. So on that front you have a bit of calm.

You may use the money you earn from there and go see a therapist. Make sure to address your anxiety. Take the time it takes, Rome wasn’t built in a day and, again, you need to be fit before “running“.

If family creates you troubles maybe you need indeed to move out (when you feel ready) because that environment may slow your recovery down. Maybe find some flatmates… and when you see the apartment also try to figure out if they seem mentally healthy (sadly people with trauma are attracted by other people with trauma).

Alternatively you may look into college but, indeed, working full time and studying requires you to be well in shape.

I wish you all the best and, at the end of the day, life is an adventure… you never know when everything starts to turn for the best.

Good luck and an hug

As someone that grew up in an abusive household with shitty parents, I feel you. Your issues with anxiety and depression are almost certainly a result of the environment you are in, and getting out of it will help you heal. It's hard to heal when you're still in toxic environment causing your issues.

Something to be aware of having shitty parents is that it warps your perspective on love and healthy relationships. You tend to be attracted to and tolerate other shitty people in your life because it is what you are used to and it feels "normal" to you. I went from abusive parents to a series of abusive romantic relationships and friendships, and had absolutely no clue. I'll also add that shitty parents tend to lean heavily on emotional invalidation, which causes you to disregard your own feelings about what is going on, making it much more difficult to make the necessary changes to clear the toxic people out of your life. Given the limited information, I suspect your parents are passing on intergenerational trauma, and you should look into the tactics of narcissistic abuse and how to spot toxic people. In my case, I went from shitty parents to having shitty people in my life, and it almost killed me.

With respect to school and "failure", understand that failure is a necessary component of success. Failure is only a temporary setback. I've had some amazing success in my life and achieved remarkable things, and have experienced plenty of failure along the way. Try something, fail, assess your failure and learn what you can from it, try again, fail better. There are millions of great quotes about the value of failure, including this one from Michael Jordon:

I’ve missed more than 9,000 shots in my career. I’ve lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times, I’ve been trusted to take the game-winning shot and missed. I’ve failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed.

Confidence isn't knowing that you'll succeed. Confidence is knowing that you may fail, and being okay with it. Never be afraid to fail.

With respect to going back to school, or any daunting task, break it down into smaller tasks that can be accomplished. The Grand Canyon was formed by a river that eroded the land little by little. Set your goals, and then take the small steps necessary to move towards them. You've got this. Take care.

I’m writing up a response but wanted to make sure you know you’ve been heard and your challenge is valid (and super tough!). I’ll edit with the full reply soon.

Edited to add:

It is so difficult to do even small things with unsupportive parents. I’m proud you’ve found a creative alternative way to get support.

Living with anyone is a lot of work, but your situation sounds nearly impossible.

If you’re willing to share with people in real life, surprisingly often people like those who share or complain about life’s challenges (as long as they can tell they’re not being asked to fix it). Having an in-person support network sounds beneficial at this point.

Anxiety is also a huge challenge. There are lots of resources online for strategies for managing it, but it’ll still be a lot of work.

You didn’t fail college. You just haven’t completed it yet. College is another thing in your life that requires a support network. You’ve been failed by those around you.

“It is possible to commit no mistakes and still lose. That is not weakness, that is life.”
— Jean-Luc Picard

But college is also not for everyone, so if you feel that it’s not for you, you’ve managed to unearth a major discovery. Now you can spend time elsewhere.

Working and finding work are both demoralizing. It’s amazing you’ve got a job right now. That’s a sign you can get another one or a better one in the future.

You’ve got a goal in mind. It’s the end-point on your map: move out.

Now work backwards to create a list of things that each step requires until you get all the way back to the present. Then get a good nights sleep, and a high-protein breakfast and do the first one thing on that journey. You can’t do all the steps at once, but you can do the next step.

Some steps need to be taking a break, btw.

I’m a hugger, so I’ll have one waiting for you if we ever cross paths in person.

So let's start with college. Failure is a part of life. You can do everything right and still fail. There's no shame in that. If you gave it everything you had, then you have nothing to regret. And what you can 'give' changes over time. Now, let me tell you as someone who is a software engineer... experience and certain certs will likely count for more over time. College is a great way to get your foot in the door, give you some experience, etc. Some jobs might "require" it, but that's going to be some crap FAANG job. So, if you want to go back, do it because you want to, not because you think you have to.

But let's shift this to your career as is. Imposter syndrome is a very real thing. If you feel like an impostor BUT you're able to do the work and people think you do good work, then you're doing good. The impostor syndrome will go away as you gain confidence in what you do. So if you think the company pays you fairly and you see financial growth in your future, you're doing fine. And I know what it's like to be the solo developer, with multiple managers all wondering when a thing THEY promised someone is going to be done. A month or so ago, I had a happy hour with a colleague/mentor of mine, who said I had nothing to worry about, that my job wasn't on the chopping block, and everyone is really happy with my work. After that, I felt less pressured to work 12-16 hour days (especially as a salaried employee).

Now for the harder stuff, homelife. Listen, you're the kid. You're young. Your bio-parents have problems and are refusing to do anything about it. Those problems are not your problems. It's not like they 80+ and you're in your 50/60s and your bio-parents just can't move around like they used to, stairs are dangerous because they have a bad hip, they're getting weak, etc. It's possible, and I'd think likely, that your own mental problems are extensions of theirs and being around them. Now, I'm no doctor (as I previously stated, I'm a software engineer...) but I strongly feel like if you had your own space, away from them, were you can focus on just you, not surrounded by negativity, and you can decompress.... I'm not saying it's going to cure you, but maybe it goes from 'quite strong' to 'very mild'. From habanero down to jalapeno.

Story time, kid. When I was younger than you, I lived with my Mom and step-dad. They were garbage parents to me (apparently, they got better with my younger siblings). Every job I wanted, they told me how terrible I'd be at it. They never showed up for my sporting events, didn't support me in any of my extracurricular stuff (like knowledge bowl). When I'd get the admission letter for the gifted and talented summer program, well... most parents would be super excited that their kid got into it, but they weren't. My mom regularly let me know how much she just really wanted me dead (by hand gun!) Eventually, moved in with my Dad and my step-mom. Who were ALSO, somehow, terrible but in fun new ways. One fall, being 18 but in high school (where my birthday lands me on the older side for my grade), at maybe 2 am on Saturday, I had an argument with my Dad. He insulted me and my girlfriend. For context, she wasn't there, he was just "in for a penny in for a pound, if I'm going to burn this bridge, might as well do it right". So, I was 18, paying rent/bills, going to high school yet, and working full-time. None of my parents gave a shit about me until I graduated college... But, backing it up a bit, living with my folks, I thought I'd amount to nothing despite the school system labeling me as 'gifted'. Eventually, I was extremely suicidal, depressed, unhappy, etc., and single. At one point, I was working a job I FUCKING hated, living out of a long-stay hotel, watching my bank account drain slowly, buying the cheapest food I could... I'll be honest, I figured I was going to die before I turned 21. But I met someone, and she was amazing. She didn't demand anything of me, she was just there. She was just kind. And when I'd hit my lows, she and her mom didn't abandon me, they supported me. They supported me on my terms, how I wanted. I felt someone cared about me. I became happy. I became motivated. She inspired me by just existing. And I remember the day it all "clicked". Where I saw a future. A "hey, I think I might want to grow old" kind of future. It's the day I knew I wanted to marry her, the day I decided to turn my life around, etc.

Now sadly, this story doesn't have a happy ending. People change over time, that's the sad truth of reality. But, that's not the focus of that story. It's that... I felt like nothing when I was with my folks. And when I was on my own, it was hard and I was failing, so I wanted to be nothing. But then, she walked into my life. Then I wanted to be something. And even though she's no longer in my life, I'm still moving forward

Hope that helps. You're not alone out there, even when it sometimes feels like it. And you're young. You're in your twenties, you're still figuring out what it means to be an adult. Figuring out who you are. But from my personal experience, your 30s are amazing. I don't have a full view of the 40s yet so I can't comment there yet.

You got this. You've learned the most important lesson college has to teach, which is "failure isn't the end of the world." You sound like you've got a good head on your shoulders and like you care about the people around you. I love you, and I'm so incredibly proud of the person you've grown into

Fifteen years ago I was back with my parents in a health crisis, with both mental and physical problems. My career had collapsed and I had declared bankruptcy.

While I was living there, my mother's health failed due to COPD, and she was still addicted to cigarettes and wanting us to get them for her.

Her mental health deteriorated, and living there became hellos.

When I has first moved in, my life was in shambles and my sister was in a mental health crisis and getting a divorce.

My mom started sobbing that she had failed as a mother.

Within three years of that date she was dead because of cigarettes.

Since then I figured out my health situation (IBS and a complicating hernia) and started to sort out my mental health.

I met a woman (actually got my hernia operation at her insistence) and we own a home together. My sister sorted her shit out and rekindled her relationship with her estranged son. We have both gotten degrees. And my mom is sadly no longer here to see that we made it through.

So that was 15 years ago and I'm 51 now.

You never know what doors will open or close for you. Opportunities are not delivered evenly, and life is not fair.

But you can build a life in the moments given to you - what you do with your time, how you present yourself to the world, what you choose to learn - and this will bleed into the rest of your life.

Finally, once you have the resources, live alone or with others. Get out of that toxic situation, so that your family can be at arm's length.

Find out who you are outside of that. I think you'll learn a lot more about yourself and your parents with some distance.

Nobody expects to be toxic or mentally unstable. Maybe you'll find some sympathy for them, maybe you'll want to never return. Both are valid, and both might also leave you with regrets.

But they're your choices to make, not theirs.

And I've never regretted being there with my mother until the end, even if there were bad times during it. She wasn't always insane though, her conditions made things more difficult.

Find friends, if you haven't. Leaning on my friends helped me through that time and I am due to join them now for some online D&D.

You should always be looking for your next job, especially when you have a job. When you have a job, you're not desperate to take anything offered. It's fine to tell wherever you apply that you're looking for a job while you have a job, if they ask. They don't care, and probably are doing the same thing.

Hey,

Don’t stress about college. I dropped out when i was 20. I went back when i was 24 and dropped out again. I went to tech school for 2 years just to get a job and then wound up quitting that job after a couple of years. I went back to college and became a teacher - this time i got 2 degrees. i taught for 3 years and HATED it. I went back one more time and got a masters. Part way through i hit the maximum for student loans and my wife supported me for a year. The job i have now is not perfect but it is sooooo much better than the jobs i hated. You don’t have to screw up as much as i did (it was expensive), but i am now very successful. You are doing fine.

• a dad

You are doing a great job. You are a skilled and smart person. Life is hard right now, but nothing lasts forever. Those hard times will pass. It's okay if the credits expire. You learned something and if you go back to college, it will be far easier with the experience you have gained. It's very normal to not be able to afford returning to college in your 20s.

It sounds like you are doing really well at work. That experience will pay off and look good in interviews. You are building the skills, resume and experience to get new and better jobs in the future. I'm really proud of you and everything you have accomplished.

Once you get a safe living location that doesn't constantly tear you down, you will feel better. I suffer from depression and anxiety as well. Escaping my family didnt cure me, but god damn does getting to choose the people allowed in your life help.

I too dropped out of college (university) before finishing. I was undiagnosed ADHD at the time and just didn’t have the self-motivation to do it. I know a lot of people who’ve said that they would never have made it through the studies without some parent pushing them the whole way, and I didn’t have that, sounds like you didn’t either. Anyway, that was years ago now and nobody cares, if anyone asks about it I just tell them I passed. Everyone just asks what you studied, nobody asks you your grade.

Given your writing skills Id say you are not stupid. 26 years old was my age when I had recently dropped out of school and felt like a failure. You will find your way, it can start with making a plan to move out. Save your money, find some roomates if you can. There is no right path through life, and anyone telling you different is selling something you dont wanna buy.