Even without being trans, life is not worth living. Everyone has always told me life would be hard, they're right. Its too hard and not worth it. There's nothing redeeming. Its just suffering. I don't want to suffer another 30 or 40 fucking years.
i don't know why I can't work up the nerve to just do it. i have a method. I've wanted it for years. Why the fuck can't I just do it and get it over with. I guess I keep hoping life will turn around for me, but it won't. I think being trans really seals it for me. I don't think people understand that. People don't seem to understand why killing myself is preferable to this. I don't understand whats so hard to understand. Clearly something about it just hits different for me. The alienation from others, my ruined body, idk. Nothing i say makes anyone understand. How is this a life worth having. Its misery and pain. Its endless. All i can think about right now is shooting myself.
Whatever, if I'm going to make another stupid post like this I should at least make an attempt to explain what exactly is so horrible about being trans. Even without being trans I still have no real interest in sticking it out but it is one of the main tangible things I can point to.
Complete alienation from everyone else. No one understands or sympathizes. Most people support forcing us to suffer like this. How fucking horrible is it to live in a society that wants to mutilate you. Who's people want to refuse you healthcare. People understand the damage, they understand it perfectly fucking well when its trans men on T. People everywhere will look at me like a removed freak, since I don't pass. Even other queer people don't understand. I'm going to lose my family. Good luck getting a job as a removed with no education or qualifications.
My body is destroyed. Destroyed by T, destroyed by depression. I have always hated my voice. I can hardly speak sometimes. It hurts every time I talk. I don't make any other noise. I don't sing, I don't hum, I don't do anything but speak when I need to. Voice training is a special circle of hell and I can't. Between that and my fucking ridiculous height I will never pass. I will always be a freak. I will never be happy with my genitals. Facial hair is awful. I truly lost the plot when ts came in. "oh just shave, lots of women shave, whatever" you don't understand. No one does. I truly don't understand how no one gets it. How no one can get that this is hell.
honestly even without the trans shit I'd still want to die. there's nothing here worth doing this for. its the nail in coffin. its always going to be there, its always going to cause me pain. so much pain. i want it to stop and there's only one way how
self harm
While I'm venting again may as well say this: I really want to cut myself. I remember what it feels like and I want that again.
It's not as impassable as your depression and anxiety make it seem. HRT melts a lot, not all, of these issues away. Of course there is discrimination, but you shouldn't live life on 'what ifs'. Especially you shouldn't consider suicide when you haven't tried what you truly want. What if it brings you a great deal of relief and you left this world not knowing?
How does hrt get rid of a lot of these issues? These all seem like things hrt doesn't help with at all. It's not a what if? Cis people literally are just that way. What I want isn't possible.
I have been wanting hrt but so depressed it's been impossible to actually get it ordered. Plus worried about family. People keep telling me I shouldn't get on it yet while I'm dependant.
I'm trying, thank you.
Transitioning and being transitioned for a long time makes you feel less like your body is destroyed, unfixable, etc. I don't feel this way anymore myself. We don't really need cis people's approval. Most people think you're cis and treat you that way, which can be annoying even when they gender you right sometimes.
HRT made me not depressed. Like it completely removed it as a factor. This is ymmv territory, some of my family was physically abusive over it but it didn't make me feel worse, weirdly. I do think my anxiety got worse due to the social aspects but I didn't ever feel depressed or suicidal since despite my other comorbidities
I hope so. The things that upset me the most seem the least likely/possible to change. People viewing me as I want to be is important for me. It's not because I need to be valid in their eyes, but because I personally don't want to look/sound like a man. I need to pass to be comfortable with myself.
I hope it does the same for me. I keep telling myself I'm going to get it and then that not happening. Idk what my problem is. I know we started talks a year ago atp and I still haven't gotten it. I have what I need I'm just stupid or something.
You're not stupid
Since a few weeks ago, all I can think about is how to get hrt. But wow, is it hard to do... I wish I could just waltz in some clinic and say gimme Estrogen and then they do some health checks and some time later boom estradiol injections, or any type IDC. But I have to fear being mistreated and judged, I have to expose myself to potential humiliation and judgement to go through some processes for a year before getting anything, it's rough... But I WILL go through, just existing is enough of a fuck you to anyone who hates us. I will not let them get what they want, I'll have what I want.
Informed consent let's you walk in and do it in like 15 minutes
There's lots of rules about this here. I gotta have a year with psychological treatment and with an endocrinologist (this one makes 0 sense). On the upside I can get free treatment including all the meds
DIY is a thing if you need recs lmk
Kinda do. I couldn't find anywhere that ships here, (as I'm not in the US, or Europe) when I tried to look
Hrtcafe search for Rose ships from France to world
I did find one that ships. But it's a little on the expensive side for me, I can afford it, but shipping is heavily monitored for people not paying import taxes, and I'm afraid of having my package not delivered.
I'll be trying to get a prescription normally, if it really takes a long time, I'll just buy that I guess.
Sorry if not make sense kinda in dangerous situation medically just love helping my people lol
Thanks for helping out ♡