What on Earth are you on about?

Quoting from the study:

"It is important to understand that the DLS represents a minimum floor for decent living. It does not represent a an aspirational standard and certainly does not represent a ceiling. However, it is also a level of welfare not currently achieved by the vast majority of people. A new paper by Hoffman et al finds that 96.5 percent of people in low- and middle-income countries are deprived of at least one DLS dimension...we can conclude that 6.4 billion people, more than 80% of the world's population, are deprived of DLS."

The authors are not suggesting that everyone be forced on DLS at gunpoint. They are suggesting an absolute bare minimum standard that the overwhelming majority of people on Earth do not yet even have.

How the hell do you get from that to some sort of paranoid fantasy where everyone gets exactly the same thing?

No, his argument is that the average human needs this standard. also, it is a model, it is by definition simplified.

Besides, what is the alternative? First world countries living like they own the place, third world countries starving, and we're all getting killed in the climate war of 2040?

Sounds like national chauvinism, the idea that Americans need more luxury goods than everyone else, and that there's no way no how you'd ever lower your already completely "fair" level of consumption.