Ask Lemmy
A Fediverse community for open-ended, thought provoking questions
Please don't post about US Politics. If you need to do this, try !politicaldiscussion@lemmy.world
Rules: (interactive)
1) Be nice and; have fun
Doxxing, trolling, sealioning, racism, and toxicity are not welcomed in AskLemmy. Remember what your mother said: if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. In addition, the site-wide Lemmy.world terms of service also apply here. Please familiarize yourself with them
2) All posts must end with a '?'
This is sort of like Jeopardy. Please phrase all post titles in the form of a proper question ending with ?
3) No spam
Please do not flood the community with nonsense. Actual suspected spammers will be banned on site. No astroturfing.
4) NSFW is okay, within reason
Just remember to tag posts with either a content warning or a [NSFW] tag. Overtly sexual posts are not allowed, please direct them to either !asklemmyafterdark@lemmy.world or !asklemmynsfw@lemmynsfw.com.
NSFW comments should be restricted to posts tagged [NSFW].
5) This is not a support community.
It is not a place for 'how do I?', type questions.
If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community, please direct them to Lemmy.world Support or email info@lemmy.world. For other questions check our partnered communities list, or use the search function.
Reminder: The terms of service apply here too.
Partnered Communities:
Logo design credit goes to: tubbadu
view the rest of the comments
First of all it's completely understandable for you to feel frustrated and stressed in a situation like this. You really don't have the power to fix other people's problems. Have you ever been to a therapist? The one constant among good therapists is that they don't give you advice. They don't tell you what to do. And they don't try to fix the problems in your life. But they do end up helping you. So what do they know that the rest of us don't? They know that the best way to help someone is to listen supportively, to validate their feelings, and to give them a chance to think about their life while leaning on the emotional support of someone who cares about them. There's more but that's a good start. And if you can do that you really are helping a lot more than you think.
Take as an example, a conversation I had with my wife today (remembered as well as I can). She was in a really bad mood and wasn't talking with me.
I asked her "what's got you feeling down today?"
She angrily said she didn't want to talk with me about it because she knew what I would say and she didn't want to hear it.
(That, by the way, is a pretty clear hint that someone is not in present time emotionally.)
I said "so you're saying I'm never supportive of you when you're upset?"
She said "I'm feeling overworked and stressed. There's always too much to do. And I know you are just going to say you also have too much to do."
I said "I did say 'I feel the same way' once when you said you could use a day off. But that doesn't mean I can't appreciate that you're overworked. I understand. There's a lot going on right now and it's hard to keep up."
She continued talking about how she felt. I continued validating her feelings. And she cheered up and her mood improved.
My point is, "just being there" is code for listening supportively, validating someone's feelings, and helping them regain the balance they need to address their problems themselves.
Edit: to be clear, I'm no saint. Sometimes I'm the grumpy one and my wife is the paitent one. It works both ways.
I went to one therapy session once and got a bill of like $200 after insurance for the one session. I have no clue how people afford to do that on a regular basis. People scoff at things like Better Help, but it seems like it's probably the only affordable option if your insurance isn't great.
I do try this, but I only seem to have so much stamina for it. I can't stand seeing them in pain, and I seem to have run out of ability to be there. Because it hurts too much to see them in pain like that. So I don't know where to go from here.
It depends on the insurance plan. My current plan covers therapy 100%, no copay.
The plan before this, I think it was a $50 copay. Not too bad in this context.
The plan before that, IIRC, was "LOL talk to us after you've hit your deductible" :(
OTOH...my therapist doesn't even charge $200 to begin with. That def helps in my case.