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Your server sends a message to other servers saying what you voted or replied.
A reply dialog being slow to open sounds like an issue with your client, not federation.
Huh. I'm just browsing Lemmy in a Firefox tab - and the reply dialog sometimes opens right up and other times leaves me wondering if I really hit that button! I wasn't sure if that was another thing where my instance had to "ask" the federation if I could reply before giving me the dialog or something.
As far as I understand it federation shouldn't have anything to do with commenting on your own instance but rather after when it gets sent to other instances.
It doesn't. Even if you defederate with an instance, you can still comment and vote on posts from that instance that predate the defederation and people on your instance will see them, it just won't go to the original one.
And for clarity it won't go to any other instances' copies either.