this post was submitted on 09 Feb 2024
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me_irl
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I know it sounds awful, but yes. It’s really all I can do thousands of miles away.
Ok so you're a specific edge case and the fact that you wouldn't help them is related to your geographical situations. In most families living the same thing you do, just being able to talk to each other is a form of support that people without kids don't have when they get older.
"So they will be there to support me in my old age," is such a selfish reason for having a child, and an imposition of burden on people who are not trained for it and should never have to bear it. I say that as someone who was basically forced into a situation where I had to provide palliative care for an older relative because of that familial expectation and the recklessly poor planning on their part to prevent the burden on their kids/grandkids.
Holy crap you guys...
It's just something that naturally happens with most families and I never said it's the reason why people have kids, I said it's one advantage about having kids vs not having them. In the majority of cases it's not an obligation people feel and I'm sorry if you had to have it imposed on you, but you can't use your anecdote to make a general opinion.
You're in the right here. These people are selfish ingrates who have no family values, and no appreciation for the gift of life and sunk cost of those before them so that they could have success. We all stand on the shoulders of giants.
I love my mom with all my heart and hope I am successful enough to give her back all the care she gave to me out of GRATITUDE, not obligation.
This is an emotionally difficult subject that stems from deeply held personal beliefs about the meaning of life, parental relationships, and the responsibilities associated with them. Castigating blanket judgements and reading evil intent into people's choices helps no one.
I'm truly happy you have a good relationship with your mom and have a desire to take care of her when she gets older. I once planned to do the same, and still mourn not being able to have that kind of relationship with mine. She did sacrifice a lot to raise me and gave it her best effort and honestly did great in a lot of ways.
Unfortunately, at some point this idea of "gratitude" became a way to exert control over my life. At some point, it became less about respecting the gift of life, and more about holding me accountable for a debt I never asked for and guilting me into following a path she felt would reflect well on her. I'm sad to say, but there's absolutely no way this would work out if I tried to take care of her later in life. Expecting direct control over my life due to the debt from just existing would not lead to a stable environment and she is therefore much better off with professionals.
This is not an unempathetic or easy decision, but it's the best one. Because sometimes relationships are hard and painful and don't work out like how "family values" tell you they're supposed to go and all the gratitude in the world can't fix toxic relationships. People are more complicated than that.