this post was submitted on 27 Jul 2023
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Sounds like that group needs to have a conversation about being non-monogamous.
It can actually be a pretty awesome way to live for some people.
I have been in 2 polycules and the second one was more a collection of couples that like to trade and share. The first one was just the 3 of us.
Currently single but meh, I'm enjoying it for the time being.
Question, how does one of those end? Curious about the second one in particular. Did you break up with your primary partner then leave? Did the couples vote you off the island? Just curious
Basically I quit drinking for both my physical and mental health and a few of them insisted on wanting to drink around me even though I said that it made staying sober really hard.
One of the key culprits in the insisting on drinking around me was the dude I was dating on the time, but that didn't last more than a couple instances of them getting hammered while I stayed sober.
So I said that I didn't want to be around the ones who insisted on drinking if they continued their shit.
Then the ones that didn't drink around me kept telling me that I was being too harsh on staying sober, and they started insisting that I could drink in moderation.
I said I had tried that in the past and I failed miserably at staying sober.
Then I tried to reach out to them the following weekend and they told me that they had decided that they were going to keep drinking and partying.
So we parted ways.
Honestly it was pretty mutual, though they decided my sobriety was a deal breaker independently of me deciding that their drinking was a deal breaker.
Kinda hurt at first but it didn't take long before I realized that I was happier not around them then around them. So I'd say I came out ahead.
Last I heard the group broke further when a few of them started getting into hard drugs a few months later so I guess I dodged a bullet there.
The first one ended pretty badly and it hurts to talk about in detail to this day. But long story short it ended over the course of 3 days: day one one died, day two I took it poorly and started drinking again, then day three the other one died due to a DUI (they had failed in sobriety as well) then I basically fell full long into alcoholism again.
Jesus, I'm really sorry hearing about the first one. I can't imagine the pain that must've caused you. Good on you for getting over drinking and standing by that decision!
Yeah the first one really hurt that's for sure, I basically went on a mission to be as numb as possible after that.
But I'm 5 years sober now and I couldn't be happier. Being sober really allowed me to address my mental health and my physical health as been on nothing but an upward trajectory since.
I started drinking when I was 12 and this is the longest I've been sober since. I look forward to the day I can say I've been sober longer than I was drinking, just 7 years to go.
Ow, the first relationship's ending sounds really rough, I feel for you :/
Godspeed to your sobriety!
Currently I'm 5 years sober which is the longest I've been sober since I was 12 years old.
Honestly sobriety is pretty great.
It had some rocky moments during the first year but it's only gotten easier with time.
Yeah that first poly relationship ending was also the first time my sobriety failed.
All in all to get to this point in sobriety took 4 tries but it was worth the effort.
Depends on the structure. If there's marriage involved it can kind of end in a train wreck. Sometimes if it's a bunch of solo polyam it's just kind of fades. Depends on who's house it is as well.
Dated a poly-amorous person for a while, I can't say I've tried being poly myself as I have a hard enough time getting in a relationship with one person at a time, but ending up as the odd man out as they split their time between work, kids, and any partner but me didn't feel good.
If you try again, lay out your expectations as to how much attention you expect, as it seems as if there wasn't good communication on that and you committed more than they did. Poly and monogamy ultimately have the same largest hurldles: bad communication and bad actors.
We did. She approached me about dating and we talked for a while about expectations before really going for it, that's what made it hurt. I knew going in that I wouldn't be able to have her around as much as previous relationships, but the "expected time together" suddenly became none because she "wanted to focus on her career" but posted on facebook whenever she was with others, which was about as often as normal for her.
Edit- I think she just decided that her needs/wants changed and she just didn't want to hurt me by breaking up, but not doing that was just as bad.
Cab you tell me more about that? I don't have experience with non monogamous relationships, but I always assumed that it is exhausting. At least when you don't just sleep with each other but also share your emotions.
I don't think living/being poly is as exhausting as keeping up other relationships. It is more exhausting to lie and to hide when you are cheating. Cause you create a mask and by that causing a distance to your partner.
Our society has a big focus on momogamous romantic relationship. Family, friends, other relationships variants... "not that desirable". Even i, a monogamous, find that... exhausting. My family always fights with each other, my friends are busy working. Who is left to connect to?
I love my boyfriend. But i often wish for more connection with other people (non romantic and non sexual). Just hanging out, sharing thoughts and emotions. Without being afraid of vurnability. But that means to make time for friends, to stop having a grugde with the family.
Every relationship is exhausting, but the connection it's worth the effort.
> but I often wish for more connection with other people
~~The fact that that's not ok in your relationship sounds pretty bizarre to me. I am in a monogamous relationship, and I have both male and female friends. My gf also has both male and female friends. When she wants to go have some personal time with her friends, I'm supportive of that.~~
~~I'm likely reading too much into this, so I'll apologize in advance, but not being ok with your significant other spending quality time with people they care about seems jealous and insecure to me.~~
EDIT: My reading comprehension is apparently trash tier.
I am not taking it offencive. But how did you read that into it? That my SO doesn't want me to have friends? That's not nice for a stranger to assume and to analyse.
My best friend and i are working 10 Minutes apart. But she doesn't have time to even go out and eat. So we hang out on discord every few weeks. I don't like that very much, but since corona friendships just are this way. My country doesn't value friendship that much so we don't put in the work. And That's pretty sad, but cause everyone is doing that it's hatd to break that circle.
Ah, I see. Yeah, I thought I was misreading it, thanks for the clarification.
I have felt a similar thing with friends drifting apart, although in my case I think it has more to do with age and being busy than corona.
That's okay. Yeah good internet conversation x)
And yeah, growing older and growing apart is a part of what happen in my case. Priorities change over life. But it's hard to find new friends for new parts of life.
foreigners come to out country, are happy and highly motivated, but are leaving a few years later depressed and isolated. Cause they don't find people to make friends with. Cause we are so closed of (i mention it cause i read an article about that. And i really do understand them)