While I'm maintaining my meds and exercising, my alcohol consumption has drastically increased and it's hard to get to sleep. In the morning and afternoon I tell myself I'll quit, but by the evening I think "what's the point? I just fall back into it anyway" and when I have tried to go to meetings I still have that "what's the point? I'm just gonna fail at this like I have so many times before".

I'm also in a limbo where I'm trying to move on from a relationship and be happy alone, but I feel lonely. There are romantic opportunities happening and I get a excited, but then I just can't help but think "what's the point? I'm going to hurt them anyway".

On the outside I'm able to function and be fun and social, but on the inside I feel hopeless and useless. I am trying to make it as a musician while digging myself out of credit card debt, and I'm making progress, but when I talk to my parents about it I just feel shame. My parents seem to not recognize or care about the work and progress I've made on it.

My sister is buying a house with her husband and has a successful career and is close to mom and dad, whereas I'm 2000 miles away from them and having all this shit. I feel like my brother in law is replacing me as my parents son because I'm so far away. I'm thinking of moving back home, but I don't know what I would do if I got back because sadly Seattle's music scene was napalmed by Bezos and the tech bros. I'm in Chicago where I can still afford rent- I couldn't do that back home. Moving in with my parents isn't an option because my mom said under no conditions can my cat come with me and I love Charlotte too much. Charlotte has been pooping on the carpet in protest of not having my ex around anymore (several vet visits and that's our conclusion). Good news with Charlotte is she's been gaining weight again and I'm glad about that.

That said I was able to do the dishes and take out the trash. I'm about to get laundry started, so there's a win.

Sisyphus isn't happy right now.