I divulged a traumatic aspect of my past in a place where I should have been safe to do so, and was mocked. I have been struggling to course-correct and have been experiencing occasional urges to get high about it since. I'd go to my recovery meeting, but that dysfunctional meeting was where I was made fun of...

I am big sad.

I am doing a presentation this Friday on treating bipolar, and I still have not run through the whole thing to make sure I have enough material for 1.5 hours. Granted, I can talk about bipolar for days, but I still want there to be some semblance of organization there. This is where also having ADHD fucks me up. I need to get this shit done, but I'm on lemmy.

I also have a new client who told me that she was turned down by 2 other therapists because they didn't feel equipped to work with bipolar. That's some kind of bullshit, if you ask me. While therapists should not work outside of their area of expertise, they should also have enough general training on this so that they don't turn people away. Rant over.

While I'm maintaining my meds and exercising, my alcohol consumption has drastically increased and it's hard to get to sleep. In the morning and afternoon I tell myself I'll quit, but by the evening I think "what's the point? I just fall back into it anyway" and when I have tried to go to meetings I still have that "what's the point? I'm just gonna fail at this like I have so many times before".

I'm also in a limbo where I'm trying to move on from a relationship and be happy alone, but I feel lonely. There are romantic opportunities happening and I get a excited, but then I just can't help but think "what's the point? I'm going to hurt them anyway".

On the outside I'm able to function and be fun and social, but on the inside I feel hopeless and useless. I am trying to make it as a musician while digging myself out of credit card debt, and I'm making progress, but when I talk to my parents about it I just feel shame. My parents seem to not recognize or care about the work and progress I've made on it.

My sister is buying a house with her husband and has a successful career and is close to mom and dad, whereas I'm 2000 miles away from them and having all this shit. I feel like my brother in law is replacing me as my parents son because I'm so far away. I'm thinking of moving back home, but I don't know what I would do if I got back because sadly Seattle's music scene was napalmed by Bezos and the tech bros. I'm in Chicago where I can still afford rent- I couldn't do that back home. Moving in with my parents isn't an option because my mom said under no conditions can my cat come with me and I love Charlotte too much. Charlotte has been pooping on the carpet in protest of not having my ex around anymore (several vet visits and that's our conclusion). Good news with Charlotte is she's been gaining weight again and I'm glad about that.

That said I was able to do the dishes and take out the trash. I'm about to get laundry started, so there's a win.

Sisyphus isn't happy right now.

My sleep has been HORRIBLE. I wake up 1AM wide awake for hours. Then crash at 3 and it’s so hard to wake up at 5 for work. That’s with taking ambien at 8:30. I’m scared to not take the ambien and be awake all night and not functional for work. I begged off another week of hosting the daily Checkin on the stopdrinking community and I feel awful like I’ve let everyone down there. I’m on fire at work for the most part so that good. I am in need of some self care which is so hard to do with the child here. I see my therapist Wednesday and I’ve been needy texting her most of this week. My psych knows about my sleep and wants to switch me to ambien cr but AFTER I finish my bottle which is two more weeks. Something just isn’t right. If I didn’t have the child I might check out and do a reset at the hospital but that isn’t an option right now. Thanks for the vent.