The Onion

WASHINGTON—Responding to fallout from the Israeli military’s killing of seven World Central Kitchen aid workers in Gaza, President Biden made an address Thursday asserting that Israel had an obligation not to harm his reelection chances.

“Let me be clear: Israel is bound by international law not to engage in any activities that undermine my ability to win a second term,” said Biden, emphasizing that if Israel did not reverse course and end civilian casualties soon, then progressive and Arab American voters were at extreme risk of sitting out November’s general election. “

Prime Minister Netanyahu and I have spoken on several occasions about the importance of keeping me in power, and he has assured me he will do everything he can to mitigate any domestic political fallout in the United States. Still, the damage this war has done to my polling cannot be ignored.” At press time, Biden quietly signed off on sending another 2,000 bombs to Israel to ensure he was reelected.