site's back, time to party 
this post was submitted on 08 Jul 2024
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CW: suicidal thoughts, emotional flashbacks
This week marks five years since my roommate got married. This started a huge existential crisis for me, including suicidal thoughts and withdrawing from pretty much all my friends.I've been getting panic attacks every time I go into work this week, it feels like it's from remembering that wedding. Literally feeling detached, like I'm piloting my body. But now that I'm really questioning my gender, I feel like it's staring me in the face that I'm just in a big holding pattern. I want to figure out how to speak up for myself.
What about the wedding causes you distress?
It was the first time any of my friends had gotten married. It was a really fun weekend.
It set off this anxiety about wanting to find someone, wanting not to be alone. It led to me feeling super insecure, and feeling worthless. I thought I wanted to die, but in hindsight I think I was realizing that I hated being a straight man.
sad(?)
Do you think you'd describe that feeling as queer loneliness? You're not worthless
There is happiness to be found in self discovery regardless of where you end up.
sad
In hindsight, yeah. I was looking for myself pretty much everywhere except internally and it really sucked. But those thoughts of death kinda get replaced by the thought of coming out and really being myself.Thank you
I'm happier to not know at the moment and be exploring. It's freeing
Sorry to hear it's been so hard on you, but congrats on questioning your gender. I know it's probably.not worth much to hear now, but you're likely to feel way more healthy once you've sufficiently explored your gender related stuff
Thank you
Exploring has been great. I feel euphoric in ways I've never felt about "guy stuff".