I'm Chris-fuckin'-Christie, Governor Extraordinaire of this shithole we call the United States of America.

Yeah, that's right, you're dealin' with the big leagues now.

Forget everything you thought you knew about politics 'cause I'm here to shake shit up like a fuckin' Etch A Sketch.

I don't sugarcoat, I don't coddle, and I sure as hell don't give a rat's ass about your feelings.

You'll get my honest opinion whether you like it or not.

I've got a soft spot for ravioli and a hard-on for truth.

So buckle up, buttercups, 'cause it's gonna be a wild ride.

I may be fat, but trust me, I'm still the smartest motherfucker in the room.

And if you think otherwise, step up and prove me wrong. I'll be waitin' with open arms and a steamin' plate of carbs.