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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-07-02 04:01:01+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/StarchildSeverina
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
My (22F) BF (25M) doesn’t find me attractive anymore because I gained weight. How can I fix this in a healthy way?
Editor’s Note: added paragraph breaks for readability
Trigger Warnings: Eating Disorder, infidelity, body shaming
Original Post: June 10, 2024
Now to give some context before i start, i have had diagnosed anorexia for 8 years. I had an immense fear of food and was dangerously thin about 4 years ago. I have gained some weight shortly after, but my mental recovery has been difficult. I have only been feeling well for less than a year.
My boyfriend and I have known each other for 2 years. The first year was very difficult, he had just come out of a serious relationship that ended with him being cheated on multiple times. Because of how traumatic that was for him, he ended up treating me horribly. He has since apologized and has been amazing to me, however i know that multiple other women were in his life during that first year. My confidence was already shaken because of this, now it has hit an ultimate low.
We have had an amazing sex life until a few months ago, we used to get intimate everyday, maybe even more than once. Lately it happens about only once a week, and the passion is not there. He is very into me giving him oral, but just not sex itself. When we do have sex its always in positions where he can’t really see my face or my body. I’ve tried talking about this with him multiple times and nothing had changed, until today. I decided to be specific and asked him if me gaining weight had anything to do with his interest being so low, and he said yes.
Mind you, im nowhere near fat, for the first time since my teenage years, im actually a healthy weight. Now i do have some lower belly fat and thick legs, but i wasn’t bothered by that. Because i thought i was lovable and attractive no matter what… I can’t help but spiral, i know its not his fault that he doesn’t find me attractive anymore, but mentally im not taking this very well. I have the desire to cover up every inch of my skin, I get very uncomfortable when he tries to touch me in anyway, conflicted in whether i should have a meal or not etc. How do I get through this in a healthy way?
Relevant Comments
OOP on if she thinks her boyfriend was being an asshole for saying that he didn’t find her attractive
OOP: he really wasn’t and yes, i asked it. otherwise i don’t think he would ever say something like this to me on his own. i get why everyone is advising me to let this relationship pass, but i also do agree with you on the importance of honesty. i’ve been wondering if i worded myself the wrong way…
OOP on the possibilities if something has triggered her boyfriend or herself
OOP: nothing triggered anyone, i asked the question and i got my answer. my response is indeed not that of a normal person’s considering my ed, i just want advice on not spiralling on this issue (as in covering myself all the time etc.) and moving on without feeling any sort of resentment(?)
Update: June 23, 2024
Link to original post:
I had posted a little more than a week ago about this situation with my partner. (Link above) Since then I have been working out daily, eating what I consider to be healthy, and honestly I’ve had an amazing result in such a short time. Now I must make clear that I’m not doing this in an unhealthy way. However the toll this took on my mental still didn’t completely go away. I have been having a hard time getting intimate with my partner, because I get very nervous to his touch.
I had a conversation with him on how I’ve been very happy with this new routine and the results I see on my body, he said “Good, you still have a little more to go” and pointed at my lower belly. He does compliment my body also and call me beautiful also, but I found this comment to be unnecessary and very toxic so I tried to chat with him about it, he just said it’s ‘normal’ in a ‘normal relationship with a normal communication’. I got mad and told him to go home, and that I needed to think on it. Now since I have an ED (anorexia to be specific) I don’t know if I am overreacting to stuff like this. I had also told him to research what anorexia is and be a bit more sensitive towards me when the topic is my weight a week ago, he said he would but he didn’t, and he also kept commenting. He said he just wanted to motivate me since I’ve already started working out. Is he right? Am i overreacting? Is it just an innocent comment with no bad intent?
UPDATE: Thank you for your comments, I know some of you were mad that i posted twice and not listened to any advice from the first one. I know you all mean well, I had a hard time accepting the facts because of many reasons that I do not want to get into. You’ve all been very supportive and kind, thank you for giving me the courage and the push towards the right direction. I have ended things and will be focusing on myself from now on. And please do not worry about my health, as I’m trying my hardest to eat (and succeeding) even when I do not feel hungry due to stress. Much love and again thanks to all of you. ❤️
Relevant Comments
OOP responds to multiple questions about keeping her health in check and not relapse back to her old habits with anorexia
OOP: Do not worry, I’m not restricting myself from anything. I’m still very healthy, thank you for your concern 🫶🏻 + I’m not back to my disordered habits, there’s no need to worry. To be more specific, my mother was there with me during the entirity of my ed, from my lowest to my recovery. I have voiced my concerns of relapse and we’re doing daily check ups of my eating habits 🫠 Thank you for asking 🫶🏻 + Having an eating disorder is a mental illness, not just physical, just like a drug addiction is. You’re never mentally free and always have the risk of relapsing, but that doesn’t always mean it has to be the case. I’ve had my fair share of relapses or slips, but yes, I’m doing fine at this exact moment.
GoldenHind124: You're not overreacting and your gut reaction is telling you something here. Why can't this dipshit bf of yours just say something encouraging without offering an evaluation? Why can't he just simply be kind? No, he just has to shoot his mouth off with that nugget and further worsening your insecurity and self-esteem. I can't BELIEVE for a minute that this is being done without malice. And I promise you, that shittiness gets much worse over time, not better.
I think it is time to call it on this relationship before the real harm sets in. Keep focusing on your health and following the proper guidelines for ED treatment. Seek out help from a therapist that is trained in this recovery because I am worried for you and you need positive support OUTSIDE of your relationship. Good luck and hugs <3