ADHD

Does the following sound familiar when she’s done something that you know was wrong and you confronted her?

That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, you deserved it.

That’s called The Narcissist’s Prayer. Narcissists are incapable of ever accepting that they’re to blame for anything. You will always be miserable in a relationship with such a person.

This sounds like a tough situation. From what you've described, the way this person is treating you lacks any trace of care or respect. You deserve better. From anyone you interact with, but especially from anyone that wants to be intimate with you (in any sense of the word). I'm concerned that you're still talking to them, let alone wavering on whether to break up with them.

At the risk of being a bit harsh, I wonder if this song applies? I share this only because sometimes it's easier to see from the outside how abusive a relationship has become. I've you're feeling delicate, maybe wait until you're feeling a bit more robust before you listen.

Are narcissists attracted to ADHD folk?

People with a narcissistic streak are attracted to anyone with weakened personal boundaries. This is often the case with those of us who grow up with undiagnosed ADHD, and other forms of neurodivergence. Because we spend our formative years with a neurotypical-dominated world constantly gaslighting us. We're taught to distrust our perceptions; of what's normal for us, what works for us, and so on.

Do you have any ideas or strategies that have worked for your to bring yourself back to a more normal state?

Two things; self love, personal boundaries.

It's an ongoing journey. Life traumas often tip me back into self-loathing and letting other people push me around. But I keep working on accepting myself, warts and all, and reminding myself that I don't need to be perfect to deserve love, let alone basic care and respect. I keep working on saying "no" when that's the right answer for me, even if other people get upset that I don't say "yes".

There's a book by Dr. Allan Mallinger called 'Too Perfect: When Being in Control Gets Out of Control'. I try to remember to reread this book every few years. I found this really helpful, both for understanding my own obsessive people-pleasing. As well as being more compassionate towards others when they're stuck in obsessive behaviour, without sacrificing my own wellbeing trying to "fix" things for them. Which might help in dealing with this person you're struggling to break up with.

Another book I've found really helpful for my journey towards self-acceptance is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. Tolle's prose is gentle but never pandering. Often confusing, but always in ways that open space for deeper reflection. Each time I read it, I always follow the suggestion to put the book down and come back to it later, whenever one of the little pause symbols appears. Taking some time to absorb each section and observe my mind's reactions to it, and whether that conflicts with or resonates with my more intuitive responses.

Drop it like a bad habit. She uses words to get what she wants out of people. You need to realise you can and will do better without her and the emotional abuse she is putting you through.

It sounds like you are in a downward spiral. It's time to pull yourself together and focus on self improvement. Forget about the relationship. Forget about drinking and drugs. If you can raise your self respect and confidence, you won't fall for another person like this. Good luck!

I went no contact with my narcissist mom. I have ADHD. The final straw was when my grandma (her mom) was dying of bone cancer, and my mom had just got her second divorce. Instead of staying with her mom and being palliative care, and saving money for both of them. She moved to a very expensive apartment near me. When I already had a move planned. I told her I was moving and that she should stay at my grandma's and help her out. For 4 months she begged me not to move to my dream job and stay with her because she was so lonely in her new town. Like what the fuck. You just left your mother, in her dying months. Where your sister and your brothers and their family live in this massive support network. To a city where your child has told you they're leaving? What the fuck?

I sold everything I owned, moved in with my gramma, called the job and asked if they'd hold the position for a few months while I get care setup with my aunts and uncles. Mimi died 5 weeks later. My mother didn't show up to the funeral. I never talked to her again.

I think about my mom every few days. But I'll never speak to her again. People have no meaning to her.

Going no contact was the best decision I ever made.

I have no idea what will work for you. But I've grown and become a better person without having to expend so much energy on my mom. You might find the same benefit in your situation.

You have value, you matter. You must have qualities another partner would be interested in. Or else your ex never would have tried to be with you in the first place. Beware though as soon as you're showing competence without her she'll lovebomb the shit out of you.

Good luck.

I think this seems more like a BPD person, but - narcissism too.

As you are asking for advice, mine is:

About narcissists - never ever allow them to have any degree of control over you. Similarly to people grown cowards TBH.

Did you have a honest talk, without substances, on all the conflict parts?

If there's avoidance of that, nothing you can do. I have, eh, some experience in my life too. Just move on.

Also, about substances - stop drinking. Try limiting yourself to something like tea without sugar and buckwheat, and maybe something like salted turkey broth with some pieces of turkey meat eaten separately. Maybe milk.

At least that's what helped me to regain ability to sleep after my losses and traumas.

We get physiologically attached to our primary partners (One anthropologist calls love an addiction). That makes it hard to distinguish what we want. Just, account for that. The decision regarding whether to remain in a relationship should be based on a history of functioning in a mutually agreed upon way, or a commitment to do so. Not, although it's hard, on the feeling of pain which accompanies the possibility of separation.

Look up DoctorRamani on YouTube. Her videos were informative and validating when I was trying to escape my abusive narcissist ex. I also found journaling to help. I put all my thoughts and feelings about the relationship down in a journaling app, which helped clarify my thoughts, work through the emotions, and it served as a record against her attempts at gaslighting. I could also go back and refresh my memory, and I was surprised how deeply unhappy I was all the time. I knew there were problems and that I was struggling while trying to get her to be better, but I had this general sense that things were kind of okay. They were not, and it was really clear when I read it back.

Best of luck to you getting and maintaining as much distance as you can. It's hard now, but you will heal. Once the effect of the abuse starts to wear off, it'll get a lot easier.