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Being loved or at least desired by someone must be nice (lemmings.world)
submitted 5 days ago by Platypus@lemmings.world to c/casualconversation@lemm.ee
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If you read my previous post on other place I asked about dating and most responses sounded like it was nice. Yes, I'm aware that relationships are not only good times (I've seen my mother being tired of her partner and scared of my father) but when you have literally NOTHING in your life you can't help to idolising the things you never had...

I don't think that's weird, but it's definitely sad

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[–] greedytacothief@lemmy.world 13 points 4 days ago

As a fairly attractive person who also suffers from depression. It really doesn't matter. I can find so many reasons why other people don't like me. So many reasons why my actions are ultimately pointless and worthless. And that's the thing, when I'm depressed I think I'm ugly. Don't take my word for it, think of all the Hollywood stars that have or do suffer from depression.

I don't think it matters what you have. Depression can make a shit sandwich out of any situation. But once you work through it and become fun to be around things change. Even if you're only fun for yourself to be around, that's one more person who likes you.

[–] Sundial@lemm.ee 19 points 5 days ago (17 children)

Why have you convinced yourself that you have nothing and that you need to be in a relationship to have something?

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[–] TheFriar@lemm.ee 1 points 3 days ago

Air, is this the guy that makes a bunch of posts about “I’m unlovable and sad” and then when people try to offer advice or encouragement he always shoots back with some obnoxious bullshit about how they’re wrong and he’s too hopeless?

[–] naeap@sopuli.xyz 12 points 5 days ago

Thing is, that a relationship can be very fulfilling, this is true.

But thinking, that being in a relationship will fix a bad view on life or problems, the relationship will suffer.
Relationship is work. And often very painful work, because you have to step over your shadow and accept, that some of your deeply treasured perspectives (that protected you in times of pain) are now just wrong and destroy said relationship

So starting to work on yourself and being content with yourself is always the first step. Else the relationship will be even harder to work through those issues

At least that was my experience
But yeah, having someone to love is great and having someone to love you is nice.

[–] Ludrol@szmer.info 2 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Do you want to change? Do you wish you wanted to change?

yes or no?If you answered yes to any of those questions than there is still hope for you. There is A LOT of good willing people that want to help you. There are a lot of resources that you can use but you aren't aware of.

If you answered no then no one can help you.

[–] Dasus@lemmy.world 2 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

There is A LOT of good willing people that want to help you. There are a lot of resources that you can use but you aren't aware of.

People are so very confidently telling everyone this.

Where I live, you really would think that's the case. But for years, nothing. Even my own family is distant af, as if they didn't understand the concept of depression. See it makes them uncomfortable that I'm not my usual happy self, so obviously that's very rude of me.

I was also tossed out of an ER when I literally told an on-call psychiatrist I was afraid of hurting myself or others. And I meant it. It was after a very traumatic event I was genuinely so broken with nowhere to go and no-one to turn to. He got a guard to escort me out. Then I called my local free crisis hotline. They told me I'm not having a crisis and hung up.

Last time I asked an opinion about the shit healthcare I'm getting from my brother, he waived it off and now hasn't contacted me for three weeks.

It took a lot of fighting with the healthcare here, but I finally did manage to get a therapist, and I specifically looked for someone who's not from the same country and didn't grow up in this emotionally stunted culture. So that's one positive thing. But one hour a week isn't much, and it's only for a few years I get it.

So while I appreciate the sentiment and probably for most people these resources actually work to at least some extent, they do not work for everyone. So assuming something that might be incorrect and very triggering is something I'd advice to try and avoid if at all possible.

[–] Ludrol@szmer.info 2 points 3 days ago (1 children)

tossed out of an ER

I can relate. That was horrible experience for me and only by intervention of my best friend I am still here.

finally did manage to get a therapist, […] So that's one positive thing

This is HUGE sucess. Congrats! And stick with it for at least couple of months.

Your mind is playing tricks on you where you toss out a possible solutions outright due to buried emotions.

There are a lot of different types of reaources and some work and some don't.

Different types of Therapy (CBT, EMDR, etc.), group therapy, books and lectures, long hikes, pilgrimages, d&d, meditation, Alcoholics Anonymous, hitting the gym, temp work agency and even more esoteric ones that I don't reccomend without trying more normal ones. They all are tools that may not work for you but there exists the tool that will work. The difficulty is in finding one that somewhat works and not giving up half way.

[–] Dasus@lemmy.world 2 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

Yeah therapy helps, but there's clearly an underlying physical issue that I've been trying to figure out for more than 20 years.

But since in my twenties I mentioned weed helping with the symptoms, I've since not been listened to at all, treated as a full on drug addict and every single symptom I have had have been thought to be psychosomatic.

I've evidence to the contrary. Supported by surgery scars, doctor's statements (from when the doctors actually listened to me when I was younger) and I even quote peer reviewed research from credible medical journals.

But no. Just treat me like a psychotic junkie. And if I challenge them in any of that, it just confirms their "suspicions".

I'd just need a couple of grand to waste on private doctors, but I don't have a couple of grand extra.

So if what I had was purely psychogenic, yes, you'd be totally right. But if what I have is depression because of my underlying chronic illness going undiagnosed because of inept and unwilling healthcare, then therapy might alleviate the symptoms, but it's not gonna make it go away completely.

My mental health isn't 100%, but my biggest problem at the moment is Finnish bureaucracy, to which shit healthcare is very much intertwined with.

Edit oh and it didn't take me years to go to therapy because I was unwilling, it's because the healthcare said I didn't need any.

[–] Ludrol@szmer.info 1 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

I've since not been listened to at all,

Yeah, that sucks.

I have read some years ago tips for women on reddit how to deal with misygonic docs that don't take problems seriously. The gist of it was to present a story with your appearence that will help the doc emphatize with you (as I remember that was to present themselfs as business woman where illness prevents them from working.)

I guess something similar could be used for drug user that somehow is intepreted as addict.

I am uninformed but I heard from psychiatrist that weed has some negative effects on mental illness.

I would consider stopping weed for a bit, ride on painkillers(? I am totally clueless) for that time and try to get prescription for weed if it's possible (wikipedia says that it's legal for medical use.)

[–] Dasus@lemmy.world 2 points 3 days ago (1 children)

I guess something similar could be used for drug user that somehow is intepreted as addict.

This would rely on the doctors first having empathy second being able to use it third be willing to use it.

I got a bit of progress when I switched my healthcare services to a hc station I knew to have young doctors. As my "drug use" is me using less alcohol than the average person, smoking high-CBD low THC weed and in my early twenties experimented with a few party drugs. This has been recorder as me having had "a serious multisubstance abuse problems"

for weed if it's possible (wikipedia says that it's legal for medical use.)

Ruahahaha yeah technically it is legal. There's like a dozen people in the country with a prescription. One is a friend though. He went thorough years of pushing it through with private doctors he practically knew and he has severe nerve pain. Even then you have to eat opiates before ever being allowed to even have a doctor propose that you might benefit from legal cannabis.

Definitely would never be given to me no matter what I had, as they've deemed me a junkie because I admitted medical use of cannabis. Despite me having gone to weekly randomised drug tests for months on end pissing clean, showing I'm not an addict of any sort.

I am uninformed but I heard from psychiatrist that weed has some negative effects on mental illness.

High THC low CBD strains definitely can have negative effects. But usually they people who use those strains take the slight jitters their superpotent weed gives them rather than having unimaginable nervepain throbbing constantly. I'm definitely not in the "no side effects in cannabis" camp, but I had politely tried all of their things and to try and figure this shit out, I thought giving doctors more info would help. That it would help them deduce what's wrong, because cannabis helped my horrible digestive issues, in turn helping me sleep and not be so anxious. (If your stomach constantly hurts as if you were stressing something, you begin to stress about something, even when there's nothing to stress about. Somatopsychic instead of psychosomatic.)

But no. Basically ruined my life. Fucking wish I could go back to my 18-year old self and slap me around "honesty is overvalued and will only get you in trouble. You want to just seem like you're honest, while lying your ass off."

"Ride on painkillers"

Lol what? Eat ibuprofen or opiates... for digestive issues?

Yeah, you do know what you're talking about when you say "I am totally clueless". No offense, but spot on.

I have been without weed for months several times. Why do people always assume I haven't?

[–] Ludrol@szmer.info 1 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Why do people always assume I haven’t?

I assumed that you have some sort of nerve pain like your friend and it would be unbearable.

Digestive issues are textbook examples of psychosomatic problems so I am less surprised that they didn't help you. Maybe in what they are saying is a kernel of a truth but that's not for me to judge as I have my own life to live and you have yours.

I have high hopes that therapy will help you.

Yeah, you do know what you’re talking about when you say “I am totally clueless”. No offense, but spot on.

I am basically Socrates. And now I don't know what to do with that lack of knowledge. Maybe I should build a time machine and stroll around in an ancient Greece or study philosophy with my inflated ego. /j

[–] Dasus@lemmy.world 2 points 3 days ago* (last edited 3 days ago) (1 children)

Maybe in what they are saying is a kernel of a truth

So symptoms can appear before a supposed cause has happened?

I never had any problems with mood as a kid. Now that I can't work, I do.

Hmm.

Almost as if there was a correlation. Which leads me to journals and basically logs of my shit I have. Which quite clearly show the correlation. Also sleep diaries (band recorder from wrist) from the better part of a year, and still. They said I don't need sleep studies (which me and my psychiatrist were pushing for) as "just give him more antipsychotics".

Maybe in what they are saying is a kernel of a truth

There literally isn't and I've personally studied this personal issue for my entire fucking life, and know what helps what doesn't and what is psychosomatic and what isn't. As I've gone through all variations, such as when I fast, pretty much all of the problems go away, only to be replaced by the alight ones the fasting causes, but they're nothing in comparison. Then I can stress myself out in any ways and still have none of those psychosomatic symptoms.

Maybe people should accept doctors are people and people can make mistakes. But no. So they can't accept anything has been wrong and I could have a point. And they can't even defend their bullshit, but when I made a complaint to the ombudsman, quoting ICD-10 and the current local doctoral guidelines, still nothing, "Nah nothing wrong done, you're just a junkie."

I the problems since I was a kid. I started smoking weed the first time around 17-18.

Most of my current psychosomatic issues come from the rage I get from having to deal with people like you

[–] Ludrol@szmer.info 2 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Maybe in what they are saying is a kernel of a truth

sorry. I shouldn't have said that. I made a bunch of assumptions and I have really strong desire to help people, so I have made a mistake.

I’ve personally studied this personal issue for my entire fucking life

I would also be outraged if some armchair expert or worse an actual expert spew lies towards me and my situation. Even if I can't offer a solution at least I can be emphatic towards your suffering and your struggle.

I can't really offer you much other than virtual hug or a prayer to a higher power for a better tomorrow. Take care of yourself as it seems that no one else will.

[–] Dasus@lemmy.world 1 points 3 days ago

It's alright man.

I can see you clearly mean well.

I'm just very frustrated about that. Slightly triggering.

Take care of yourself as it seems that no one else will.

Thanks. I still have at least 1.5 years of therapy left and he's a really good British guy, and people don't get be homeless in Finland too easily, so that's a bonus. The people and systems just suck and the rightwing government is making them shittier as fast as they can.

[–] antlion@lemmy.dbzer0.com 7 points 5 days ago (8 children)

First, you must love yourself. Then, love others - family, friends, or strangers. Expect nothing in return. If you can get over those two hurdles, it will be a lot easier to be loved.

Imagine if you hated tofu. But you wanted to convince others to love tofu. Maybe you’re a door to door tofu salesman. Only a gifted con artists can make that sale. In this example you are tofu.

In every relationship, from professional to familial to romantic, you must constantly give more than you get. Most of what you give will be taken for granted. But you’ll notice who appreciates you, and they will get more of your time and effort.

Anyway it’s not that great being loved. It’s a burden in some ways, because of how carefully that burden must be carried. You must act in service to those who love you. Love can be suffocating, and blinding. Many people forgo their own health in service to those who love them. It’s a difficult balance. But for evolutionary reasons, it feels like it’s “enough” in life to be loved. And that peace is hard to find through other means.

There’s a freedom that comes with loneliness. You can travel and explore. You can take much bigger risks. You can make foolish and selfish decisions.

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[–] squid_slime@lemm.ee 8 points 5 days ago

I've just looked at your post history and it seems we have a lot in common, I've been out of work, have depression, feel incredible lonely at times. I spent my life on the other hand chasing relationships, sex, none of it solved my issues because my issues are deeper than that. Yours probably are too and my advice is to find what it is you need and the rest will full in to place.

Good luck out there comrade.

[–] Asidonhopo@lemmy.world 3 points 4 days ago (1 children)

I've seen a couple of your posts before and I wonder if working in customer service, maybe just as a cashier at a convenience store might help you. Its mindless, menial work but it allows for short interactions with a lot of people. You get to see your community in a different light and meet people you wouldn't otherwise. Maybe eventually you will find your voice and gain the confidence and a few friends that will help you network into better situations. Maybe going to the gym would also help, getting proper cardio and strength training did a lot for my mood and physical self esteem. Also, you are only 35, you will be young-ish for at least another decade if you take care of yourself.

Also, you appear to live in Europe, why not save your money for a train trip to Amsterdam if never being with someone sexually is causing you so much frustration? I'm sure at least some of those workers have experience with people like yourself and would be patient enough to try to help, maybe chat about it too. Honestly just talking openly with someone like that about your situation, someone whose job it is to approach someone intimately might help. This is probably a terrible idea but it is an option, if you feel like you don't have others it might be worth considering.

Loneliness and depression play tricks on you, keep your eyes open for possibilities and a year from now your outlook could be very different.

[–] Platypus@lemmings.world 1 points 4 days ago

People like me don't get cashier jobs dude. I quit the gym long ago it's depressing and boring. I'm completely against doing anything with a prostitute.

[–] MrPoopyButthole@lemmy.dbzer0.com 6 points 5 days ago (8 children)

The grass always looks greener in the neighbors yard.

Being desired is OK. Having sex is OK. Feeling deeply understood is unmatched.

I was in a 12 year relationship and I didn't feel that. I am in a new 1 year relationship and I don't feel that. Do I appreciate my partner? Yes. Am I attracted to them? Yes. But I crave to be understood.

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[–] Hossenfeffer@feddit.uk 2 points 4 days ago (1 children)

when you have literally NOTHING in your life

Clearly not you then. You don't appear to be dying from starvation, cold, or conflict. You're articulate and capable of writing with perfectly acceptable spelling and grammar. You have access to the internet. You're way ahead of 90% of humanity. Check that privilege!

Get off your self-pity cloud and do something. Learn some new skills - there's plenty of free courses out there. Improve yourself. Learn skills, earn money, use money to better your situation. Stop blaming the world, it owes you nothing. You, and only you, are responsible for your happiness.

[–] Platypus@lemmings.world 2 points 4 days ago (1 children)

You can't be serious. Even the beggar at the street has a phone with internet, that means nothing, some people have no escape

[–] Hossenfeffer@feddit.uk 3 points 3 days ago (1 children)

Ah, so all the stuff you do have is 'nothing'.

Stop deflecting and do some work.

[–] Platypus@lemmings.world 2 points 3 days ago (3 children)

You are missing my point completely, stop repeating that I'm not doing any more work.

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[–] Corno@lemm.ee 4 points 5 days ago* (last edited 5 days ago) (4 children)

Hi!

I understand that you're feeling frustrated, but it's important to consider that there are so many great things in life other than sex and reproduction. You're not a failure, you're still young, and there's so many great things to see, learn, and do! There are even people who choose not to have sex, get into a romantic relationship, or have kids, and they're capable of living happy lives. Your purpose in life is whatever you want it to be.

There's over 8 billion people on this planet, and finding someone who loves you for you is just a matter of when, not if. For now, I'd think about why you feel the need to put yourself down this much. What makes you think that you have literally nothing in your life, and what would make you reconsider that thought? Do you really feel that you have nothing and you need to be in a relationship with someone to have something, or is it something that others have pressured you into believing?

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[–] iii@mander.xyz 3 points 5 days ago (4 children)

Do you sometimes feel like you were born on the wrong planet?

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