The lighter side of ADHD
After having a chat with a random lady in public transport, who revealed that she has an autistic son, it made me open my eyes to give the benefit of the doubt to people who may act rude and odd. Some people are neurodivergent and may not even realise what they're doing. It made me realise to consider what the person may have, instead of quickly passing judgement and expressing irritation.
Like telling someone who’s missing both legs to get better shoes so they can keep up.
On the flip side, someone with legs isn’t gonna understand the point of prosthetics because it would be totally useless to them.
ADHD has definitely opened my eyes to how much we humans subconsciously assume we know everything based on our own experiences.
Like telling someone who’s missing both legs to get better shoes so they can keep up.
But it's not. You're confusing material conditions with psychological conditions. The brain is far more plastic than the leg (stump). And neuroatypicals regularly develop coping mechanisms that would be the envy of any paraplegic.
ADHD has definitely opened my eyes to how much we humans subconsciously assume we know everything based on our own experiences.
I think people will often divert to "This won't work on me because I have ADHD" and often miss that lots of advice is just bad or otherwise useless to the public at-large. The "Bootstraps" mentality of self-help gurus constantly assume you have more free time, more financial slack, and more raw dumb luck than the average prole.
I can't count how many times I've seen "just go door to door handing out resumes" pitched as a solution to a few million people rendered unemployed during a recession. I routinely see InsanePeopleFacebook tier "smart savings" advice that amounts to either comically unrealistic spending/savings rates or recklessly foolish investment tips. Then there's the Common Wisdom that only survives the first two years out of high school. "Just go get an X", be it a vocational career or a law degree or a ticket to the next boom town or a rich spouse, works right up until too many people take the same advice.
"Haha, you can't trick me into joining your MLM because I'm neurdivergent" signals that you've made the right choice but often for the wrong reasons. As a result, it just opens you up to a different kind of affinity scam ("We invented an MLM for ADHD!").
Rather than self-segregating and embracing alienation, we need to recognize the fundamental economic game as rigged and tackle it with a unified front.
These are excellent points UnderpantsWeevil
someone with legs isn’t gonna understand the point of prosthetics
...?
I would like to recommend the following order of presenting the argument:
I didn't follow your advice because it relays on me not having ADHD and therefore is useless.
"doesn't hurt to ask"
me panicking because I have to ask
Now I'm having a secondhand panic attack for you asking
Any advice that starts with "just..." is automatically invalid.
... Make a list and do one at a time.
... Set a reminder.
... Install some time-tracking productivity software on your phone or computer.
... Go for a walk and clear your head.
... Keep a jug of water nearby.
In keeping with the missing legs analogy, what is the ADHD prosthetics? To me this just looks like someone who's missing a limb turning down prosthetics, and saying "don't you see this won't work because I don't have legs?"
That's a actually apt. You don't know if they tried prosthetics, if they have prosthetics, or if prosthetics would even help. You're not a doctor, and you're not their doctor, and you say "just 3d print a new leg" because you saw someone do that in a new article.
Wearing a prosthetic leg can be taxing, and painful, and destabilizing. It requires a whole apparatus and special exercises, and balancing on two would likely require crutches as well.
Most of all, the person you're talking to probably knows more about their condition and their options than you do. So saying "just get prosthetics" is not a helpful suggestion at all.
Someone with ADHD who rejects your "helpful" advice isn't choosing to remain unhelped. They're saying you're an asshole for thinking you're the first person to come up with "just keep a calandar. That's what works for me."
I often find some ADHD people (myself included for a long time) for some reason automatically shun the simple ideas like this. ALOT of them really are helpful and it does take ALOT of will power. Especially for someone with executive function disorder.
Maybe I’m just a one off case but after putting in years of effort the habits I made have really helped me. And I can feel the damage that occurs when I stop doing them.
I think the problem with simple things like this are not that they don't work, but that the problem arises in the actually doing of the things.
Personally my primary problem from ADHD is executive dysfunction, and it is SO hard to convey to people/advisors and such that yes, if I did all these "easy" solutions it would help, but the problem is the doing of the thing, creating a bootstrapping problem. To do the productive work you need to use x strategy but you can't do x strategy because brain says no.
I think if as you have you can make these simple things habit it will help immensely, but as you said it takes a lot of willpower.
It does, that’s the part people often have trouble with. Starting very small really helps with this. I struggle with trying to take on too much at once all the time. I have a lot of interests. I have to constantly remind myself to focus on one problem at a time
You’re definitely not alone.
I think the key is that we are so often told what to do, but rarely are instructed on how to do it - it’s easy to give advice, but without providing the structure to actually implement the advice, it isn’t worth much. People seem to forget how much work it takes for us to do the things they suggest. Very little advice is as straight-forward as advice-givers make it sound.
Like above, one can say “install time-tracking productivity software” but what does that really mean? To me, it means that now I’ll have to research different types of software. Which means I have to find something compatible with my devices that also: respects my privacy, is easy to use, that has a reasonable price point, and won’t bombard me with ads. If I manage to do all that without getting side-tracked for too long (which is a big “IF”), THEN I have to set up the software and figure out how to use it. Only after all that can I get to the step of actually using it… which honestly, is easy to forget to do as well.
Point is, a lot of “simple advice” isn’t actually that simple for people with ADHD. So when people talk like an idea is some easy thing, it can leave a lot of us feeling like we can’t even reach out for help because iT’s sO siMpLe that asking for help feels embarassing. Yet without guided support, it’s much easier to discount the advice outright than to try to figure out how to implement it on our own. So we fall into that trap, and the “good advice” is ignored yet again.
It's not the ideas themselves that are the issue, it's the idea that a person making the suggestion will fix you with such basic suggestions. Alarms? Oh, I hadn't heard of those, and now I'm cured! Time tracking software? I had not thought of that! Suppose I can cancel my therapy appointments.
Yup... it's all about picking it up. Preferably before the moment you start to lose it. Good news. Even if you lose it, you can pick it back up!
Not it's not. You are right. It takes a lot longer to learn those habits and apply it in a useful way. It's taken me ~9 years and of taking it more seriously. I still f up from time to time. Just not nearly as much as when I started trying to get my shit together. (Even my test results showed overcompensation in my attention problem lol)
You still need to develop those skills on meds. Which takes practice. Meds make it easier to practice.
I think a lot of people on these communities are at a point of discovery and realization. That there is a big factor (ADHD) causing their struggles in life. That they are not "just lazy and undisciplined." A phase that can look like self-victimization and excuses.
Thing that worked well for me btw, is the ADHD guide on HealthyGamerGG. The name sounds stupid, but it's the online name of a psychiatrist with experience with ADHD patients, and he takes a hollistic approach. I usually despise every form of spirituality, but he managed to filter out the "woo woo" (as he calls it) and stick to the practical aspects of meditation and how the mind works. Helped me understand my issues and how to handle them better.
I also urge people to be careful with medication. Dosing is important. I was put on a high level of medication and it basically just cracked me out 24/7. I would tell people it was helping me but it held me back a lot. Several of my friends of victims of the same issues. The drugs gave me all the serotonin I needed and it kinda kept me from doing anything at all instead of leveling me out where I could focus.
It took a lot of self reflection to see the damage it was doing.
Medication is a valuable tool but listen to your support structures and let your doctors know how you are responding to your meds.
100% all those simple ideas definitely work for anyone, but it usually takes far longer for someone with ADHD to implement these ideas and make them a habit on their own, and even more effort to keep the habit going. This is really confusing to someone without ADHD because in their own lives when they put effort in to changing something they usually see results somewhat quickly. Thus, they assume the ADHD individual does not care or have the desire to change because there’s no immediate visible results, or not as many visible results over a longer period of time
The one that got me when I was still undiagnosed still infuriates me to this day.
You just need to apply yourself more.
I tried that and went from a 90 average slacking off to a 92 burning myself out "applying myself" in place of any activity that brought me joy.
I didn't understand for so long how people could just sit down and do shit, while I hated doing things like dishes so much it made me irrationally angry.
Just knowing I have a problem helped. With some consideration and research I got ideas on how to deal with some of my problems. Example: hate washing dishes? Reduce the number of dishes you have at home and replace as many as possible with dishwasher-safe alternatives (assuming you have a dishwasher). Then they can't pile up so bad and it becomes less intimidating to take on.
What didn't help: suggestions from people without ADHD. "Just do it", "schedule it", "task tracker", etc.. yeah fuck that.
"Wow, that's an amazing list of things I never considered doing"
Man, NTs get mad when you sarcastically point out why their advice is bad and you're not willing to play along to not hurt their feelings.
Yeah, frankly I'm shocked by the number of comments saying "I dont understand, why are you complaining about all my good ideas?"
I understand most of what you're saying, but wouldn't setting a reminder help with some things? I have ADHD and it does help me with some of the things I need to get done. Is your problem with that one more that it just sounds condescending?
"just sit still" said to me by pretty much every teacher my entire life.
I'm not sure what teachers should do with chronic leg jigglers and fidgety people, but telling them to just sit still was not a winner lol.
It's my personal philosophy that advice and suggestions are the same thing. Suggestions are not requirements.
Personally, if another person came to me seeking advice, I'd feel honored that they hold me in a regard high enough to consider how I'd act in a situation and apply it to theirs.
People who get angry when their advice is not used are just weird.
I totally agree with you, but it hits different when the advice is delivered by a close friend, boss, SO, etc. who is frustrated with you because they’re assuming your intentions are bad and they don’t respect you or trust you because they think you’re choosing to fail at certain things. When this is happening with most every relationship you have on a daily basis over 10, 20, 30+ years it can be a lot to handle
The problem is that the advice is usually unsolicited
I am so tired of being judged