this post was submitted on 11 Mar 2025
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The Onion

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“With the near trillion dollar sell-off on the Nasdaq alone earlier yesterday, the rapid devaluing of assets has allowed the American public unparalleled access to cheap stocks and shares on the market.”

Economic spokesman for the White House, Chuck Williams, claimed, “People use words like slump, looming economic depression, lowest recorded IQ of any president ever, as though they’re bad things.

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[–] P4ulin_Kbana@lemmy.eco.br 6 points 1 day ago (4 children)

I wish I could buy stocks right now…

[–] Lemmist@lemm.ee 6 points 1 day ago (1 children)

You still can afford to buy socks. That's almost the same, just a letter of difference.

[–] SaveTheTuaHawk@lemmy.ca 4 points 1 day ago

We have no idea how far the market will crash.

Give it two more weeks and everybody will be able to!

[–] Aux@feddit.uk 2 points 1 day ago (1 children)
[–] P4ulin_Kbana@lemmy.eco.br 2 points 1 day ago (2 children)

I can't just buy in an impulse. I need to study before doing so.

[–] SabinStargem@lemmings.world 1 points 19 hours ago

EutelSat, and the European MIC just got a $800b investment. Also, NANC and KRUZ might work. They follow the stock actions of major politicians like Pelosi, though dated by 30-60ish days IIRC. You won't be quite on top of things with them, but at least you will be imitating the moves of the most informed fish.

...mind, if the market tanks, buying and selling might move too quickly for NANC and Kruz to be useful.

[–] Aux@feddit.uk 1 points 20 hours ago (1 children)
[–] ThomasCrappersGhost@feddit.uk 4 points 19 hours ago (1 children)

To be fair you shouldn’t just be buying stocks and shares randomly. But there is loads of easily available info on ETFs.

[–] Aux@feddit.uk 1 points 18 hours ago

Yes, global all cap index is the way to go.

[–] Gigameister@lemmy.world 35 points 2 days ago

i always fall down with laughter when u guys do stuff like this!

Please keep it up!

[–] Geometrinen_Gepardi@sopuli.xyz 27 points 2 days ago (1 children)

It's true though, there's a fire sale going on.

[–] grue@lemmy.world 12 points 2 days ago

There's a falling knife going on, with the floor nowhere near.

[–] Ghyste@sh.itjust.works 14 points 2 days ago

Caught this one right away when they used "philanthropist" and "Trump" in the same sentence, and it wasn't "Trump is not a philanthropist".

[–] LillyPip@lemmy.ca 5 points 2 days ago

Good to see a bona fide Onion article instead of the ‘we have the Onion at home’ slop every other media outlet has been pushing lately. Brings a tear to the eye.