this post was submitted on 22 Apr 2025
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The Onion

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White House sources have confirmed the successful execution of 19-year-old college sophomore Evan Dixon late last night by an elite team of special forces.

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[–] SpaceNoodle@lemmy.world 66 points 2 weeks ago

Stop publishing plausible shit. Stop giving them ideas.

[–] tanisnikana@lemmy.world 50 points 2 weeks ago

I could just unironically show this to my parents and they’d say “good. Lib got what he deserved.”

[–] kersploosh@sh.itjust.works 37 points 2 weeks ago

I ate the onion for a second there.

God damn, we are in the worst timeline.

[–] CaptDust@sh.itjust.works 35 points 2 weeks ago

Updoot, but geez I member when I used to read the onion to laugh. Darker than this morning's coffee.

[–] cyphear@lemm.ee 24 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Had to double check if this was satire. At this point even the craziest shit sounds like something plausible.

[–] lapis@hexbear.net 12 points 2 weeks ago

have we eaten the onion, or has the onion eaten us all?

[–] JokeDeity@lemm.ee 16 points 2 weeks ago

It hurts how many onion articles lately almost get me. This planet is absolutely fucked.

[–] Des@hexbear.net 11 points 2 weeks ago

Replace "Evan Dixon" with "Michael Reinoehl" and "special forces" with "U.S. Marshalls" and you have a real byline from 2020.

but yeah like everyone else i thought this was real until i saw the com name and then remembered the actual thing that happened and realized yes it will happen again

[–] Bronzebeard@lemm.ee 9 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Fuck this article making light of something he's obviously going to try in a matter of weeks.

[–] GiantChickDicks@lemmy.ml 8 points 2 weeks ago (1 children)

Satirizing something and making light of something are different things.

[–] Bronzebeard@lemm.ee 0 points 2 weeks ago

And yet both could be occurring

[–] Bakzik@hexbear.net 6 points 2 weeks ago

No need for satire. The already militarized yankee police does that job.

How many officers are veterans? 20-30%? And let's not talk about their instruction. Of course they operate akin to an ocupation force.