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Only the embarrassing kind.

When I was just starting out as a waiter many years ago, I worked in a restaurant that was three stories tall. First floor had two kitchens and multiple dining rooms, second floor was all dining, and third floor was dry storage. Carrying those big trays full of plates and dishes up and down stairs all night long is exhausting. Anyway, I had this private dining room with a big group of people from Italy. They were really nice and just knocking back bottle after bottle of wine. I come upstairs carrying one of those big trays with about 20 appetizer plates stacked on it. As soon as I go to set it down on the little folding stand, it went sideways and dumped everything on the floor.

Cue the "everyone clapped" moment.

I was beet red in the face. Not only embarrassed, but I knew the kitchen was going to want my head on a pike. I quickly cleaned up the mess and resent the order, then ran back downstairs to the kitchen to beg for my life. After promising to buy them all beer after work, they put a rush on my appetizers and a hold on my mains, which I'm sure was a nightmare for them. A few minutes later I'm back upstairs serving more wine to the increasingly drunk Italians, and this lady leans in close and says to me, "don't be embarrassed, this is a good thing, it gives us time for more wine."

I don't know if it's an Italian culture thing, or if it was just particular to that group of people, but they were incredibly gracious, and genuinely happy that my accident delayed their food and extended their pre-dinner wine binge. Still embarrassing, though. And while Europeans generally don't tip the way Americans do, I made a killing off that table.

During my masters of science in taxation program, we had a guest lecturer that was a completely disingenuous Republican assclown.

I was one of the older students, and thus had few fucks to give, so I took him to the cleaners with my excess brain wrinkles every time he tried to push a factually inaccurate claim.

All my classmates were hooting and hollering, clapping wildly in excitement at each of my pointed jabs, like we were in an Eminem rap battle and I was the real Slim Shady himself.

The next day, I thought I had earned the respect of my fellow classmates, but I went right back to be being a cringe millennial.

We were watching Blazing Saddles in the dorm rec room. The infamous line came up:

We'll take the and the , but we don't want the Irish.

The Irish immigrant RA (who was drunk because, well, Irish¹) started booing loudly and raucously about that, slurring something about how the Irish saved civilization or some such all while gesticulating wildly. He eventually got up on a folding table using it as a makeshift soapbox.

And then the table collapsed.

Incrementally.

First the legs on one side closed, turning the table into about a 40% ramp. He wound up on his ass and sliding down until his boots hit the carpet.

While he was sitting there stunned, body straight up, legs slanted down to the floor, eyes wide in shock, the other side of the table collapsed. And somehow, despite his inebriation and surprise, he still wound up sitting.

"And that's how the Irish do it!" he said, before getting to his feet and staggering out of the rec room. To the sound of delighted applause behind him.

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¹

Joking! Not that he was drunk, but that Irish people always are!²

spoiler ² They're just drunk on any day ending in 'y'.³

³

Yes, that was a joke too. And I'm not just saying that because I know one of my Irish former colleagues is on Lemmy somewhere and might recognize my "voice". Totally not.

I was in an airport and some alarm was going off for like 20 minutes straight, flashing lights and beeping. Not actually the fire alarm, I don't know what actually caused it, maybe someone opened a door they weren't supposed to, but when it finally stopped everyone around started clapping.

Some weeks ago a drunk guy got on the bus and immediately started shouting and being rowdy. The bus driver got up, went up to the guy, sternly told him to get off the bus now - and the guy did lol. There was no clapping outright but everyone praised the bus driver. And for good reason tbh gigachad bus driver

Closest I've ever come was at a class at my old gym. Trainer didn't show so I taught the class and at the end everyone applauded. I dream of witnessing a real one...

I kinda had one yesterday, but where "everyone" all being myself at various stages for the past 14 years.

In 2011 I developed a spiteful and obstinate attitude to parking spaces. It all started because of this parking space neighbor I had who had a tendency of cutting corners when parking, leaving the corner of his car in my parking space. Not that big if a deal, but it was annoying having to accommodate his (presumed) desire to be able to get out of his parking space without a 123-point turn. So I stopped accommodating him.

I began to park in a manner that was really annoying for him, as long as I stayed between the white lines. It seems he took the hint, as he started parking properly after that.

This habit kind of stuck - when people can't park properly, I don't give two shits about making it difficult for them as long as I'm firmly between the lines.

Yesterday I went somewhere, and there weren't a whole lot of spaces available. But there was one where I managed to squeeze in with just enough room on my side to get out. On the other side someone had backed in to a parking spot leaving their front left wheel on my side of the white line.

When I came back to my car 15 minutes later (I was just picking something up), I saw a woman struggling to get into her car.

Her: "Did you really have to park so close??"
Me: "I parked well within the white lines, and it's not my problem if others have problems doing so"
I saw her starting to try and form a sentence, but my field of fucks is barren, so I just got in my car and drove off.

Childish? Yes
Petty? Yes
Satisfying? Absolutely

I consider it a public service, as it's a learning opportunity for people who don't understand the value of proper parking.

EDIT: Oh, and I told my GF this when I got home. She reminded me that this is a very small town and there's a non-zero chance that I could run into that person again. I should keep some crayons and one of those "color between the lines"-things in my glove compartment just in case I meet them and they bring it up. Not a single word as a reply. Just hand them the kit. It might take another 14 years but it will be so worth it.