Relationship Advice

I've been there (both sides) and I've meant for a while to write up a post on the subject, but "being there" only goes so far. If neither of you are actively improving as individuals, things get boring and look bad. You (both) need hobbies to develop your character and feel good about yourselves, and to be impressed by the improvement in one another. This is a self fulfilling, positive loop.

If you have money, one thing that I've seen is going to the gym together (if you have a lot of money, get a personal trainer). Other things like rock climbing, hiking, or setting a goal to get a new job allows you to improve and motivate each other with your progress. It keeps you focused on something (other than depression) and helps you turn everything around.

Ask him to help you with things, ask him to come with you places outside, tell him you feel protected when with him

Sounds like you're doing everything you should do just by being there for him and lending an ear. You cannot be responsible for dragging the man to happiness and supporting him on your own - We each have a responsibility to do that ourselves. I think the bigger question is whether you can be happy with your boyfriend if this is just who he is. There's no right or wrong answer to that.

I am also depressed. I suggest just not rushing him, no forcing, no ultimatums etc.

This is a temporary time, it will pass

You can help him by sincerely just being there for him and little things like help him clean up or get him some light snacks.

Don't expect him to make good decisions under depression, it clouds the mind, and he will have a lot of wrong conclusions

stroke his hair, make him the small spoon, binge his favorite netflix and don't make demands if you can help it.

Let him know you don't really know what to do and just want to be there for him. Make it clear he is not being an imposition, or rather that you are willing to put up with it because of your feelings for him.

Source: Am chronically depressed, the above has helped me. You'd be surprised how perspective changing an unexpected box of cookies and hot chocolate can be to one deep in the pits

You can’t fix other people.

You can offer him resources and referral to medication or therapy, but if he refuses to talk about it or take steps to improve, he won’t.

so im just there with him and remind him that i’m there even when he doesn’t feel like talking or we don’t have much to say.

That's a great thing to do! :) It's often hard to find people willing to do that, and willing to give space for being disabled/disordered.

A few ideas, from my lifelong struggle with depression, that you can think about as a partner:

• Let them know it's okay to talk about feelings, that it's okay to bring stuff up with their friends/support circle, that it's okay to see a therapist. You can ask (maybe, when it's less of a down-period) if it'd ever be helpful to help set them up with a therapist, if that's a thing you think you could help contribute with.
• Let them know that depression and stress happen, and it doesn't mean they are broken. Things might not always get better, but there will probably be another day sooner than later when it feels easy for their heart to smile
• Let them know it's okay to be quiet or in the shit or less responsive. Give space for that and make sure you are attending to your own feelings and self and interests in those times. Do things for YOURSELF to help you feel okay and loved and supported by your support circle. If you think they are in the shit, you can do gentle things to help, like ask if you can bring over a snack or some small treat they like, or some other gesture, but also remind them that they are loved and you like to talk/spend time with them whenever they are ready, and they don't need to feel pressure to feel ready.

for THEM, though, the things they can think about:

• Have that support circle. Do what you can to re-establish friends or family, even if you drift away when you're in the shit
• Get help. Therapy is great. Hard, but great. If it's too expensive, think about it later when that's less of an issue. There's lots of workbooks that can be attempted for free, and different things work for different people. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can maybe be attempted alone (during less-down times), and works for some people. Dielectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) works for other folks. There's lots of free resources online for both. It's okay to just familiarize yourself with those concepts and frameworks, if nothing else.
• Learn to think about how you're feeling. Learn to take time to stop and name your feelings. Remember that you are the driver, and you can interact with or influence those feelings to some extent.
• Look at the things stressing you out in life or depressing you. Some can be solved. Some can be avoided. Some can be escaped - with distractions, with hobbies. Some things are there to stay, and we can only get better at living with them when they come around.
• Remember hobbies, remember coping strategies, remember things that excite or make you happy. Write them down! Refer to that list, when things are going bad.
• You aren't broken. Things will get better, sometimes. They will probably get worse again, too. And better again. It's worth it.

I'd say just keep being there for him, give him something that might distract him from the way he's feeling, and make sure to set a boundary. don't be there so much that you start to feel the negative vibes, but be there enough to show you care without it affecting you. hopefully, your vibe rubs off on him and he feels better.

Communication is everything. If he doesn't know how to communicate or doesn't want to, then you should probably cut your losses.

Alternatively, physical intimacy helps a lot.

How old are you