This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.
The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-07-02 04:00:07+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRAQuiteaMammle
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
My brother (45M) cut ties with my parents (75M, 70F) and my family, everyone but me, and I don't know what to do. How can I convey the situation to my mom?
Trigger Warnings: gaslighting, golden child syndrome, favoritism, emotional manipulation, health issues
Mood Spoilers: frustrating
Editor’s note: both the original and update posts’ body texts were saved before they were removed
Original Post: January 8, 2025
TL;DR: My brother had enough of my mother favouratism to another brother, and decided to cut contact. Yet my mother refuses to accept the situation. Help/
sorry for long post
I come from a middle Eastern country. So sorry for bad English.
My parents have 3 sons and one daughter. While I am the youngest (32M).
My eldest brother (John 50M) is BY FAR the favourite child by my mother. My father doesn't express opinions often. When John was born, he had many health problems, so my mom practically lived with him in the hospital for the first year.
Every time we talk about something, the topic changes to John- I can tell them that I have problems at work "Oh, John just solved his problems with his boss. Take an advice from him" when talking to him - nothing of the sort happened. My mom expeditated a meeting he had with his boss. It might be in my head but I even have the feeling that she sometimes addresses my Gf Joanna as Johna.
John can treat out parents however he wants - yet they magically forget it after 2 days. When I was in collage, my mom called me crying, with enough urgency to ask me to leave class to take her call. apparently, John was very mean to her. The day after - my mom gaslit me saying it was nothing. Needless to say- there is never an apology from John.
Except for my sister (Mary, 40F) who holds a government position, and my parents who are too old. All the siblings moved to different countries. John to Europe, James to Canada, and me to Australia.
My parents visit John in Europe about 3 times a year, for 2-3 weeks a time at his country. They spend more time with Johns family than with my sister's. They visited me or the 2nd eldest James once. (James moved to Canada about 6 years ago).
My mother had a lot of problems with James and Mary. Ended up in couples therapy with both. Both times my mom claimed that their respective spouse is "Taking her child away from her" and "whispering mean things to them about her". Etc. etc. While Mary had more emotional problems (Mom doesn’t love her as much as John. Mom doesn’t care about her children. Mom keeps on alienating her spouse) James’s problems were very monetary. He claimed that the parents gave him less money than to James. As well as babysit his kids less.
As the last one to leave the nest, I had some more knowledge about my parents’ finances. And I can say that except for one incident, which I will address later, my parents gave about 250K dollars to John, about 300K to James. About 100K to Mary. And about 50K for me (I went back to grad school and did not get married yet, so I did not need much).
In about 2010, my parents received a plot of land near their house. And told all the children that if they wish to have it, they can - if they agree to the following rules:
A. The building of the plot will be led and mainly financed by the child.
B. The child will live in said plot and help take care of the parents, who are growing old and in increasing need of aid.
Mary who held a government position on the other side of the country, and me who only finished high school were out of the picture.
And James and John could not decide.
James insisted that due to the high value of the land it needs to be sold and split between the siblings. While my parents said that its a no go.
After 2 years of debating, John picked up the glove and build the house. Later living in it for about 4 years. Before leaving the country due to work relocation (not by choice. But this is another story.)
James felt, and still feel robbed.
The main incident happened half a year ago. My parents, who are still in need of aid, decided to buy a house in Europe, next to John. Claiming "this is an investment for the future, when we will pass on, this house will be passed to you OP"... While I live and plan on settling in Australia, which is, in fact, very far from Europe...
When James heard about it, he blocked my parents. And a month ago, after he calmed down, he told me that he decided to cut ties with my parents. That he felt 2nd best at most, that he couldn’t shake the feeling that this animosity towards his wife continued for so long, and he is afraid to have the same treatment to his kids. He is also in therapy.
My mother on the other hand is crying non-stop. About reaching out to him, about trying to go back in touch, about seeing her grandkids. She asks about him every day, and I don't know how to break it to her.
The worst thing - she does not accept blame or guilt. She constantly gaslight things about everything being his fault etc. and now I'm stuck in the middle of this charade. And she acts as if “trying to change her in her old age” is some sort of a crime.
How can I tell her “Look, his life are better now without you. It is your fault and he cut you off knowingly. If you ever will be given a second chance you will need to earn it."?
How can I convey the situation to my mom? Do you have any advice regarding solving this? Thank you in advance.
Top Comments
Commenter 1: "he blocked you because you never treated him the same and treat his wife badly."
over and over whenever she asks until she stops
Commenter 2: “How can I convey the situation to my mom?” Short answer, you can’t. Enough people have already tried. I know you’re hoping for a magical phrase that will suddenly open her eyes to her faults but it doesn’t exist. You cannot change this. Your best bet is to step back. Make sympathetic noises when she goes off but don’t engage. Read about the grey rock method. Be the rock. No info goes out or in. Your mother will not change. Don’t waste your energy in some futile effort to encourage her to be someone different. This is not your responsibility.
Commenter 3: Wow, it's really a hard situation. You shouldn't be forced to be their intermediate person. They are all adults and they should resolve their own problems. It sucks to have these kind of problems within the family but if the interested parties are not trying to communicate properly and try to resolve the problem, there's not much you can do...
Update: June 25, 2025 (5.5 months later)
previous post: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/1hwf20p/my_brother45m_cut_ties_with_my_parents75m_70f_and/
Update 26/06
Thank you for your input and comments, though I did not reply I did read them all.
Cutting ties with my parents is not an option for me, nor is it something I intend on doing.
I wanted to give a little update:
I have decided not to take any drastic measures, and simply dismiss any time my parents try to probe with the “next time maybe”, “I don’t know”, “we’ll see” etc.
Recently, as you might be surprised, the middle east kept trying to off each other. And I felt like this was the first time James tried to probe about the family – they are all safe thankfully.
My mom keeps “writing letters” to James. And sending it via email. In these she tries to guilt trip him into sending her information, such as pictures of his kids etc. with “wishes for him to soften his stone heart” and every time I hear about this, I am pissed time and time again. She keeps them all about herself, and there is so little if any care for him, how he is doing, and what happened between them.
After the last time she sent me one I was pissed out loud and told her off, saying that if she keeps sending it to him – he will block her Email as well (something his friend slipped out – he does read them, at least until 6 months ago). And she asked me “well, what letter would actually help? Can you show me?”. I immediately thought – this might be a golden opportunity to let her see herself from the outside, and might be the only one in sight. So I agreed with ONE condition – that she would never send it. If Id she decides that she likes it – she would have to write something herself –in her own words, and her own interpretation.
She was pissed – how dare I claim she might do such a thing?! Such blatant plagiarism etc etc (she might have said more but I could care less lol) and ITS NOT AS IF SHE WOULD DO SUCH THING WOULD SHE.
So after working with a Friend, who is married to a Skyrim character (love you Shargakh, may you have a lovely bunch of orcish humanoids in your future) we wrote the letter:
“James
I wanted to apologise, for everything. The image of our conversations hurting you for all these years is so painful, in addition to the idea that you feel the need to protect yourself from us – your own parents. I cannot undo what has been done upto now, but I can apologise, try to change, and maybe, slowly, we might be able to heal what is broken – yet I cannot do it wi...
Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1lpm86r/my_brother_45m_cut_ties_with_my_parents_75m_70f/