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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2025-07-03 04:02:11+00:00.
I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_InfectedMars
Originally posted to r/relationship_advice
I (38M) found out my wife (36F) cheated in the beginning of our relationship
Trigger Warnings: infidelity
Original Post: June 24, 2025
My wife and I have been together since 2010, married in 2016.
We both work full time and don't have kids, we've been trying for a while without success, though recent events left me wondering if I really want this with her.
We met when we both got in the University (me in 2007 and she in 2008), we were friends before we got together. In the end of 2009/start of 2010, she was going though a bad time in her relationship at the time, and I ended up supporting her with a mutual friend of ours. She broke up with her ex, and a few months later, one thing let to another and we ended up kissing, which led to me inviting her on a date, and the rest just happened... we were officially together in 2010, and I couldn't be happier.
Our marriage and relationship in general were always pretty good, we've always communicated well, and I never had a reason to suspect my wife was cheating.
Last Saturday, there was a barbecue in her brother's house, I got inside to get some stuff in the kitchen. While I was looking inside the fridge, I overheard my wife talking to her sister in the other room. I wasn't trying to snoop on them at first (I really don't do this kind of thing), but then I heard something like "[my name] can NEVER know about this", well... OF COURSE that was my cue to actually snoop.
I hid and listened to their talking. Apparently her sister almost cheated on her boyfriend and was feeling guilty, and my wife told her about the time she slept with a guy who was a lab assistent with her at the University, AFTER we started dating (we were exclusive, see EDIT 2) in 2010. In her own words, she said "I wasn't sure things with [my name] would work out at the time and I just allowed myself to do it... I felt guilty once I saw how much he loved me and treated me well, and I could see a future with him".
Then her sister asked if something else happened later in the relationship, and my wife said "no, it was just that one time and I wish I could forget about it"
I haven't talked to her about this yet. I'm not even sure how to approach her. I feel incredibly hurt, and I know confronting her right now may just worsen things.
Again, I never had reasons to suspect she cheated, but she hid this from me all these years, and now that I just found out... it feels like she JUST cheated on me. I'm really broken.
She noticed I am not myself these past days, and I dismissed it by saying it's just stress, but she knows me, and she will keep trying to get an answer....
I don't know what to do... Should just try and forget what I heard? I don't know if I should talk to her right now, or process it in therapy first...
TL;DR: I found out my wife cheated in the beginning of our relationship because she was not sure if things with me were going to work out with me. I overheard her saying this to her sister. Said she regretted it, after seeing a future with me, and nothing of the kind happened again. Should just try and forget what I heard?
EDIT: I decided I will talk to her, but not right now. I'm still very upset and I don't want this to turn into a shouting match. I want it to be a conversation, not a fight.
I have a therapy session today and I will speak with my therapist about it. Hopefully it will help me start this conversation with my wife.
Had I known she cheated at the time, I would have broken up with her. I understand everyone saying "just leave" but this is the person I built my life with. The person who supported me in so many ways, and helped me grow as a person and as a professional.
Before I make any harsh decisions, I want to hear what she has to say about this. Then I will decide for myself what will be the way forward.
No, I don't believe she cheated on me other than this time, she never gave me any reasons to think she did. I've always had access to her phone, she was never secretive of anything, and we spend most of our free time together. But how she will answer when I talk to her about it will surely either confirm this, or change it completely.
EDIT 2: I talked to my therapist. It helped me a lot, my head is in a much better place now, and I will talk to my wife tonight. My decision on what will be my next steps will be based on the way she reacts and responds to me.
Also, people are assuming we weren't exclusive when the cheating happened. We were. Words were lost in translation as "after we started dating" literally means "depois que começamos a namorar" in my mother tongue*,* and this is something we say in my country only when couples are exclusive. Which was our case.
We did have a phase of friends with benefits when we were both seeing other people, but we knew about it.
Relevant Comments
Commenter 1: Also one thought, until you get your head and your heart sorted on this you may want to hold off on trying for a child. If this proves to ultimately be a deal-breaker, that is only going to highly complicate everything.
OOP:
you may want to hold off on trying for a child.
no worries... no way I am even getting hard with all of this going on
OOP responds to a longer comment on the relationship before OOP found out
OOP:
Take inventory. How is your relationship BEFORE this bomb. How does she treat you? Do you feel loved, cared for and respected? Do you feel the same about her?
Before this, it was awesome. She treats me well, we respect each other, love each other... really, we have our ups and downs but I was genuinely happy sharing my life with her.
It appears you guys started fairly soon after this break-up - perhaps too soon... maybe.. perhaps she didn't have time to heal, find herself again, we sometimes lose ourselves in relationships, then it can take time to redefine ourselves afterwards.
We did, but not in an "official" way. After she broke up with her ex, we had a "friends with benefits" phase, when we would just hang out as friends and have fun when we felt like it. At this time, we were also seeing other people, and we both knew about it, so it wasn't cheating (again, we weren't exclusive)
Her cheating on me, however, happened after I asked her to be my girlfriend, officially. She said yes, we were a couple, changed Facebook status, etc. Apparently this "slip" happened a few weeks after, in a party they threw to say goodbye to one of her friends who was leaving the country. She kissed the guy (the lab assistant) and ended up sleeping with him, and later regretting it.
Rationally, I know the context and know what was going on in her mind at the time... but still, it happened, and if I knew it back then, we would have broken up for sure.
I will talk to her about it, and depending how this conversation will go... then I have some thinking to do. That's why I don't want to do it right now when my head is hot.
Was OOP exclusive at the time of the incident?
OOP: We were.
I think this was lost in translation, as in our main language, we use "namorar" (which translates to "to date") when a couple is official/exclusive.
We did have a "friends with benefits" phase when we were both seeing other people, but we knew about it. The cheating happened after I asked her to be my girlfriend, which in our language would be when we became "namorados" or "boyfriend/girlfriend". That was the confusion I guess.
OOP clarifies on him dating but not official
OOP: Why is language so damn hard lmao
"We are dating" means "nós estamos namorando" in my mother tongue (Portuguese)
And in my country, we only say that (namorar) when a couple is exclusive/official. To the non-official stage we use other words (ficar/pegar/"se conhecer")
So yes - we were exclusive/official when it happened.
Commenter 2: Damn, this sucks.
Just out of curiosity, have either of you gotten fertility testing? You say you’ve been trying for a while. If you found out you couldn’t have kids with her, or that it’d be a huge physical and monetary investment for egg retrieval and whatever else, would you be more likely to leave?
It’s an incredibly hard decision whether you are ready to blow up your life for this. Everyone feels differently about infidelity, some people stay and some people simply cannot. IMO though infidelity + fertility issues might just be the combo dealbreaker. Might want to think about getting your swimmers checked, there’s home tests so you don’t necessarily have to wait for a dr’s appointment.
OOP: Yes we both got tested and we're both fertile.
But honestly, we're not super crazy if it never happens either.
Update: **June 26, 2025 (two days later)...
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