this post was submitted on 23 Dec 2023
241 points (97.3% liked)

Not The Onion

12543 readers
569 users here now

Welcome

We're not The Onion! Not affiliated with them in any way! Not operated by them in any way! All the news here is real!

The Rules

Posts must be:

  1. Links to news stories from...
  2. ...credible sources, with...
  3. ...their original headlines, that...
  4. ...would make people who see the headline think, “That has got to be a story from The Onion, America’s Finest News Source.”

Comments must abide by the server rules for Lemmy.world and generally abstain from trollish, bigoted, or otherwise disruptive behavior that makes this community less fun for everyone.

And that’s basically it!

founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
top 50 comments
sorted by: hot top controversial new old
[–] ElBarto@sh.itjust.works 57 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I love everything about this paragraph.

Griest told police he had fallen on the television and that his wife had tried to catch him but ended up getting a cut on her neck. When Griest fell, the television broke and he got a cut on his finger. Griest told officers that he called police because the incident was "going to turn into a domestic" as his wife's drunk boyfriend was allegedly going to stop the house the following day to assault him, Hornberger wrote in the affidavit.

[–] Melkath@kbin.social 14 points 1 year ago

As a gamer, I was going to come in with an edgy "that's what you get" joke, but with this added info... I'm doubling down on a "that's what you get" joke.

[–] Caligvla@lemmy.dbzer0.com 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

"his wife's drunk boyfriend"

This has to be satire.

[–] xor@lemm.ee 1 points 1 year ago

i thought that too, but it appears to be a real news site...
i still find it hard to believe that reality has come this close to being a made-up shitpost...
but maybe, the fortnight playing convicted pedophile actually called the police because his wife's boyfriend might beat him up...
im pretty sure this means the universe will be collapsing in on itself pretty soon...

[–] Cypher@lemmy.world 49 points 1 year ago (3 children)

The whole story just gets weirder every sentence.

[–] XeroxCool@lemmy.world 21 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I didn't beleive it would but it did

[–] Deceptichum@kbin.social 31 points 1 year ago (2 children)

A Mount Carmel man who is a registered sexual offender allegedly assaulted and injured his wife after she cut off Wi-fi as he was playing the video game Fortnite with young children online.

Also the stuff about the wife’s boyfriend makes me think this guy spends time on 4Chan.

I just immediately thought this guy must be a regular on /b/

[–] wildginger@lemmy.myserv.one 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The "with young children" bit is definitely inflammatory and uncalled for. Unless he was playing a "12 and under only" game mode, that bit is only in there because it makes the sex offender bit sound scarier.

"Oh no, the kidz are playing with sex offenders online!" style fear mongering. The loser was playing with randos, 95% odds, and if there was evidence that the 5% predation odds was what was actually happening that would be half the article

[–] BigPotato@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The wife decided to cut off the Wi-Fi because she didn't want him talking to kids online. He might've been in an 18+ game but the wife thought he was there to creep on kids and got a TV allegedly thrown at her for it.

[–] wildginger@lemmy.myserv.one 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Is that in the article? How did I miss that

[–] BigPotato@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago

She told police she came downstairs and found Griest was talking to young kids online on Fortnite. She did not want him to have contact with the children because he is a registered sex offender, according to the affidavit. The wife then cut off the Wi-fi, which caused Griest to throw the television at her.

Fourth-ish paragraph. That's what she told the police.

[–] themeatbridge@lemmy.world 8 points 1 year ago

The article started with Mt Carmel, so that's just a regular Tuesday. Shit goes down on Mount Carmel.

[–] AnalogyAddict@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

Written by AI, maybe?

[–] Viking_Hippie@lemmy.world 42 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (2 children)

Police charged Griest with misdemeanor counts of terroristic threats, simple assault, recklessly endangering another person, and related charges.

Wtf? Cops just slap terrorism charges on every chance they get, huh?

Don't get me wrong, the guy is a piece of shit, but terrorism? That's not what happened here and they know it!

[–] ImplyingImplications@lemmy.ca 37 points 1 year ago (2 children)

"Terroristic threats" is a ridiculously common charge against school age children. Dozens of 10 year olds are charged with it every month in Texas

Based on an analysis of district juvenile justice referral data we received from Brownsville ISD, the district police made 3,102 student arrests over a period of roughly two and half years from May 2021 to November 2023. That’s 135 arrests per month in the school year. Fifty-nine percent of those arrests were for felony changes.

Of those arrests, 3.5 percent were for elementary school-aged children. From the beginning of the prior school year to November 3 this year, there have been 76 arrests of students 10 to 11 years old. Charges for terroristic threats accounted for 20 percent of those arrests. Most, 66 percent, were felony charges. There were no charges for aggravated assault for this age group.

[–] Sweetpeaches69@lemmy.world 19 points 1 year ago (1 children)

The devil must be so, so proud of Texas right now.

[–] Retrograde@lemmy.world 11 points 1 year ago

Right? What a heaping pile of shit that state is

[–] Viking_Hippie@lemmy.world 10 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Holy fuck! Fucking bastards! 🤬

[–] nilloc@discuss.tchncs.de 3 points 1 year ago

I know! Who’d’ve thought there were so many terrorists in 6th grade.

[–] xor@lemm.ee 3 points 1 year ago (1 children)

first they made terrorism the biggest problem in the world, declared war on it, made tons of draconian laws against it... and then they changed what the word means.
btw, check out the Animal Enterprise Terrorism Act, which makes it "terrorism" to work at a job with livestock and then secretly film the abuse other people do to them.
in some states, that is "legally" terrorism.
(its illegally, but good luck appealing that when you're in a guantanamo style blacksite somewhere, being force fed rectally)

[–] Viking_Hippie@lemmy.world 1 points 11 months ago

I'd call it Orwellian, but that's more fucked up than anything Orwell ever imagined! 🤬

[–] bedrooms@kbin.social 38 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (6 children)

Btw is it only my country in which people call the internet wifi these days? As an IT worker I feel my brain deteriorate every time even a company doesn't use these terminologies properly in their ads.

[–] Dremor@lemmy.world 21 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Well, could really have been the wifi that was cut and not the entire box.

[–] bedrooms@kbin.social 5 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Yes, sure, I do hope the rest of the world ain't as stupid as my country.

[–] maniel@lemmy.ml 7 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Shutting down WIFI is synonymous with turning off the router for me

[–] umbrella@lemmy.ml 6 points 1 year ago

i was there when they started calling every type of program an "app".

makes tech more opaque to normies, easier to control the narrative this way.

[–] afraid_of_zombies@lemmy.world 2 points 1 year ago

It hurt a bit when the contractor I am dealing with at work kept on mixing up disk with memory. It wasn't so much that I am being pedantic it is that he is making claims off his mixup.

I asked him politely to please search up the differences.

[–] NAXLAB@lemmy.world 1 points 1 year ago

I'm an IT guy right with you but I'm also a linguist:

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Linguistic_description?wprov=sfla1

[–] archomrade@midwest.social 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

My ISP doesn't even tell you if your WAN is down when you check your service status on their app. It just tells you to "check your Wi-Fi router and reset if necessary".

If you use your own router, it won't even tell you that, it just says "issue finding wifi 360 information".

[–] bedrooms@kbin.social 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Oh no, this is what I'm talking about. But in our case, those stupid people don't distinguish between Wifi and LAN anymore anywhere in their anything.

Edit: one day, a dubious network worker came to my flat saying they are testing the Wifi provided by the apartment. I told him I don't need it because I set up my Wifi on my own.

Then he told that's impossible because if I'm using Wifi I must be using the hardware of the apartment.

Turned out, he can't distinguish between the fiber port and a Wifi router...

I wanted to know if he was sent by the house maintenance or just another salesman. But how can you talk with a person on IT, when he continues mixing up technological terms!?

Eventually I got upset and closed the intercom.

[–] harry_balzac@lemmy.world 31 points 1 year ago (1 children)

She did the world a service. If only more people would be willing to step up and cut off the wifi when someone starts playing Fortnite

[–] Dremor@lemmy.world 17 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

Or add the Fortnite servers IP to their Pihole 😇

"Sorry, Fortnite servers don't work at home", and suddenly my younger cousins are a lot less thrilled to visit me for Christmas. 😂

[–] Retrograde@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago

I support these grinch-like activities 😂

[–] superweeniehutjrs@lemmy.world 19 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] seaQueue@lemmy.world 5 points 1 year ago

Heated gamer moment

[–] ObviouslyNotBanana@lemmy.world 16 points 1 year ago (1 children)

451: Unavailable due to legal reasons

Sad

[–] Deceptichum@kbin.social 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)
[–] ObviouslyNotBanana@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

It's GDPR related. It's not down.

[–] Retrograde@lemmy.world 3 points 1 year ago

Someone seems to have cut off your wifi

[–] bedrooms@kbin.social 14 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Boy, you never play Fortnite with Wifi.

[–] Staiden@lemmy.dbzer0.com 1 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Yeah for real, who games on wifi? I was just invited to move in to my girlfriends place, I shoved myself down in the crawlspace to run ethernet before I even set my computer up. My motherboard has wifi built in if I wanted to use it.

[–] BigPotato@lemmy.world 4 points 1 year ago

He wasn't there to win, just to talk to little kids. Wi-Fi is perfectly acceptable for that.

[–] ArugulaZ@kbin.social 10 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Guess where you're going to be staying the next few fortnights?

Oh God it better not be tilted towers

[–] Kayel@aussie.zone 4 points 1 year ago

Modernists: confused why this happened

Postmodernist: of course this happened, the videogame is more real to them than the human is

[–] bernardJonshton 1 points 1 year ago