Kolibri
joined 11 months ago
I don't think it's bad. I have scores turned off because internet points just mess with me no matter what, and I kind of just dislike the entire concept at this point.
I really need to structure my day or something, mental health stuff cw: depression, suicide thoughts
I was just kind of thinking of how much time is wasted doing nothing. like actually nothing. just sitting around. waiting for something. and in lots of ways I just hate it because like, I sometimes think of how like. I could be doing something or could be practicing or getting good at something. instead most of my day is just spent doing nothing besides other stuff like house work or dealing with my dad. maybe if its a better day, I'll do something besides house work. but otherwise it just spent being sad. and if not that, just spent not really being here mentality, just waiting to go back to sleep
but I sometimes can't help but think that in lots of ways, some things could be resolved just by doing something! anything really! but just doing something! yet I don't for some reason. I just feel tired a lot with hardly much energy. and if I do have some, it doesn't last forever. and if I really want to do something I really have to force myself that it just exhausting, too exhausting.
and in other ways it's also partially due to just wanting to die. especially when im in that kind of mindset at times, just wanting to die and for it all to come to an end. because why bother doing things in that kind of mindset when your ready to just "let it all go"? especially when that mindset becomes less passive and more active at times? vacillating.
at least when in that mindset I do find a way to work around it. as in like. "I might want to die, but I still need to do x, or y or z. because I'll probably still be here like always. and it's better to keep these things up instead of forgoing it and having more work to do. besides, don't want to worry anyone either! except no one would notice if I did stop bothering"
I don't know. It just sort of feels like a state of "paralysis" sometimes. but that does remind me of times where like. For example, like if I need to cook something or really need to do something simple like just getting up and going to bed. Instead of just getting up. I just end up maybe spending an hour or two telling myself to just get up as if my limbs don't want to move. Until I eventually do.
just I don't know. I'm just getting really sick of constantly being in this state of existence. Because it is soul killing in a few ways. I try not to like linger in the thoughts of like, how much time is wasted or like. how to word this. if I started doing something a few years ago, that I could be good at it now! Instead I try to think of what I could be doing if I started doing stuff now. and try to encourage myself. but even still, I still just have trouble bringing myself to do things.
also hopefully im not bothering anyone by constantly talking about suicide thoughts on here. I just don't know where to talk about them. And I don't trust therapists or psychiatrist to talk about this stuff. I don't want to be involuntary detained again, especially without health insurance.
it's nice when the night sky is clear and just being able to see those stars clearly along with the moon. It would've be nice if one day I could go to the more rural rural area where I live and see it fully
A lot of depression glass looks nice
Definitionally moving away from that binary of that mute/non-mute is very useful. It makes a lot more sense to see it that way. It just something I never thought as a spectrum before. And definitely talking about these things help a lot. I'm very isolated so seeing what you wrote or other discussions about similar stuff on here has been helpful, especially in also understanding myself as well.
Thanks for the response! That was insightful. I think what you said about being on a situational low speaking spectrum is really helpful. Since that feels fitting for me? I like it. It does feel worth shifting my choice of words for that distinction since, I'm not physically incapable of speaking. I can speak and say things, yet like, not exactly? It just feels more like I have a filter on my speech that just garbles everything and it just really makes it difficult and , and because of that, I'm just really use to communicating other ways besides speaking because of it. But I can speak just with difficulties, and so saying im non speaking just doesn't feel right. It def. would be worth for me to like reach out or at least read materials from advocates at the very least. Since in a way I just feel like im in a sort of odd spot? but seeing it as a situational low speaking spectrum helps a lot and I can also see how selective mutism applies to as well.
It's very misleading to say democrats are trying to push for a ceasefire, when democrats are all on board for continuing supporting Israel and their genocide against Palestine. And why wouldn't they when Israel is pretty much a place that allows the United States to continue to have a foothold in West Asia? To add, Biden who is a democrat, has no problem with what Israel has been doing.
I feel like I have been using nonvebral wrong. I don't think selective mutism or verbal shutdown fits for me. Since in general, I have a ton of trouble speaking just in general and not on a temporary basis, that a lot of people really don't understand me a lot, despite trying my best to speak. In which is just gets very frustrating and isolating. And I normally just communicate other ways like gesturing stuff or having to write or text it. What should I say instead?