finally back on self care
I'm back in my apartment and getting adjusted to Adderall again! This week was rough, but I know next week will feel better.
I took it easy today and finally got around to shaving and using Nair as well. When I'm smooth I feel much more comfortable wearing tank tops, and I'm trying incorporate more of those and L/XL t-shirts.
All in all had a good week, was volunteering at my old school. Fun stuff!
Weird times for me more than anything, but I'm hanging in there. Hope you are too
Made it through everything, and boy oh boy do I ~~not feel better~~ feel moderately better but really just burnt out tbh
dysphoric
Weddings are the most gendered thing ever so it's just really a bad time, on top of being Adderall deprived. I don't feel like a bride or a groom. But I also feel like the only person in the room who feels that way.
And then everyone talking about the wedding they were all at that I missed because I was dogsitting.
Damn, what if I just ate this wine glass?
Has not improved,
just very overwhelmed. Wanted to have more energy this week but I suppose I'm just gonna try to push through to Saturday.
I feel like I'm coming unraveled. Somehow feeling even more isolated? Wasn't really able to change that during pride month. Like, I'm botching this so hard.
I can barely focus and I have to be at this wedding in a suit and everyone just sees me as a guy so like, fuck.
Also I've been zoning out so I didn't even get to do any skincare or shave or anything. But nobody knows, so nobody cares. Was anybody ever gonna call me pretty at this thing tomorrow?
I don't know what's normal to want. I think I get overlooked, I don't necessarily think I'm seeing something that isn't there. I fucking try and it's been the same for years.
I just want girl friends to be pretty and cute with and go shopping and hang out with idk.
Reeling from the discovery that I forgot to pack my Adderall. I've been turning into a slug this week and just figured out why. Gonna have to head home early because ooh boy this ain't it for the old brain
Edit: I can't wait for this week to be over. I just want to go home and be a blob. I'm ready for this wedding to be over, I'm ready to go home.
Where is Big Balls?
Is he safe? Is he alright?
My local Pride was fun!! I walked around collecting goodies. I'm a sucker for things with rainbows on them, and all the pan/enby colored collectibles. It was like 100° but I was vibing
These suggestions are very helpful, I'm gonna start by finding a shirt I like. I have jackets and maybe trousers that I can work with. Thank you!!
smoke weed and watch hentai
Happy Pride
Spoiler
One time someone posted about platonic snuggling with their girlie friends and tbh that's maybe the most dysphoric I ever felt
Imagine having a friend who wants to be that close to you. Imagine being physically close to another human being.
I didn't realize that friends are, like, affectionate, or that they can be. I feel like a broken baby, learning basic things as an adult.
I just want to be like the pretty people who have that effortless confidence. Who seem to make friends wherever they go, who seem to always be mid-conversation.
If I had girl friends, I would want to go shopping. I would want to learn about being a woman, about femininity. About being pretty and doing makeup and how to learn what shirts fit good. About being flirty and charming.
Apparently expressing this makes me intense. I don't think it's intense to think these things. If you do, I'd appreciate if you explained why. Because I genuinely don't see it, I'm just speaking my mind.
neurotypical socializing as I understand it
"If you want to be friends, I must see you standing in front of me on three separate occasions. We cannot speak until the third occasion, and you may only mention the weather or something we can both see in our immediate surroundings. If you say too much, the offer will expire. I will smile confusedly and that will be your sign that the offer has expired. Say the perfect amount of words, and I will smile casually, signaling that we are moving towards friendship. We are not yet friends. If you want to be friends...
end of June thoughts
Somehow I'm never in town for the queer meetups. If I didn't know any better I'd assume they're scheduling things when I can't go, but it's just a really annoying coincidence every time.Gonna try again to find an in-person therapist. One place just has an intake form on their website, and it feels sketchy to fill it out and input all my info without like, talking to someone I guess?
I can also go through my university I'm pretty sure. It's annoying because obviously there are resources, but they're just elusive somehow? And there are queer people around but like, I just don't see all that many events that appeal to me?
Other people appear to be meet up with people they already know. I don't know a single other queer person on campus. I don't see an obvious opportunity to meet people.
I also know that I'm fucking weird in that I'd be way more likely to go to more things if I had one person. I need to be made to socialize, frankly.
I'm using Tinder again because I don't know where or how people meet around here. I want a relationship, but I also have zero friends, and I don't know what I want or who I want to be when I'm in a relationship. might post this in the new mega too idk.