skymtf

joined 1 year ago
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34
Everything feels so Loud (CW Depression/Sucide) (pricefield.org)
submitted 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) by skymtf@pricefield.org to c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
7 comments fedilink
 

spoilerI think I hit the last straw today, I have been really trying to get a job, hunderds of attempts and nothing, I finallly get an interview and I thought I did well, I did'nt turns out, I have nothing. On top of that my friends are now asking for rent, this was the one city I finally had some form of a support system now I have to move back home and leave it behind and return to a place I did not have any support system once so ever. I will likely need to quit hrt due to lack of funds. I am now thinking instead of suffering like I did alone for years, why not just commit. My plan is to create a massive scene to make everyone hate me, I will than disappear and commit in a random town far away from here cause I don't fucking care anymore. I am 2.5k in debt, nothing fucking matters. I have been holding out my entire life and shit never seems to get better. People just tell me well theres gotta be something postive in your home town :), but that comes across as a massive fuck you from someone who just was alone and cried in her bed constantly for years. and legit had nothing better to do than doom scroll twitter. I am humbling convienced that's as good as I am allowed to have based on karma from actions I did when I was 12-14. I know I am gonna get banned for this post but everything feels so loud. I chugged a monster and I started to have chest pain I legit didnt care anymore I just needed to feel something other than the numbness. I legit don't even know if I am real anymore and i LEGIT have no options anymore. I really doubt my friends would support me if I told them hey I'm sucidal they would likely just say we don;t know you like that and talk about how inappropriate it was to just drop that on them like that. I suck as a person I humbly believe that I deserve to be an unidentified jane doe somewhere. I also know I am very likely to be banned for this post but I really don't care nothing fuccking matters anymore I cwed this post as best I can I just can't fucking take it everything feels so loud ever since I read that fucking email, this is the millionth email I gotten like that

The New York Times source code leaked by a 4chan user in c/technology@lemmy.world
[–] skymtf@pricefield.org 14 points 3 months ago (19 children)

I have not read the news in a really long time just cause paywalls are annoying as frick.

1
Realizations about my transition and just feeling hopeless (pricefield.org)
 

I think part of my hopelessness is that I am realizing hrt has not done anything to my face, I figured this out since I am still pretty recognizable. the only thing hrt has done for me is give me boobs, which usually results in hey dead name, you should loose some weight when i am recognized in public. I just feel hopeless and I want this nightmare to end.

1
Will I always look this bad, started HRT in January 2022 (pricefield.org)
 

started HRT in January of 2022, is it safe to say all major changes are done, and I'll always kinda look ugly and there is nothing HRT can do.

Also sorry I made a similar post where I had the years wrong I think.

1
Should I give up HRT to save money since it doesn't work for me and is having no real impact. (pricefield.org)
 

https://imgur.com/a/6JkRV6X

I've been on HRT for 3 years, and I really have lost all hope that I will ever look like a girl or be gendered correctly or even just be treated with dignity. I'm really ugly and honestly I can tell, people lie and say well it's your personality that matters. It's really not that hard to see, and I am wondering if there is a point to spending 120 dollars a month, just for peace of mind.

Elon Musk says it's his turn to have the remote in c/technology@lemmy.world
[–] skymtf@pricefield.org 5 points 5 months ago

Let me guess, the streaming services on it will be like DailyWire+, PragerU. What else

ByteDance won't sell TikTok, would rather pull it from the US in c/technology@lemmy.world
[–] skymtf@pricefield.org 6 points 5 months ago

I think this is a good move honestly, they want it to be an algo similar to meta which you know is terrible, meta is like mostly dudes saying gen Z men are AWAKE and hate LGBT people and tate clips. They seem to have much less success in the algorithm on tiktok

I plan on blowing my brains out soon. in c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
[–] skymtf@pricefield.org 4 points 5 months ago (4 children)

So update, it really didn't. I feel kinda insecure over that.

I plan on blowing my brains out soon. in c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
[–] skymtf@pricefield.org 3 points 5 months ago (1 children)

it's not that anyone cares about me that much, but rather that no one should be forced to experience that. 911 operators have training in dealing with death.

I plan on blowing my brains out soon. in c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
[–] skymtf@pricefield.org 0 points 5 months ago

Likely a heart monitor plugged into a python script would work. Than have some basic tts read "Hello, this an automated voice message, Skylar is now deceased, heart rate was recorded flat at {{time}} the location is {{location}}" ideally I'm gonna pick a parking garage which isn't active the day I'm planning on ending it.

I plan on blowing my brains out soon. in c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
[–] skymtf@pricefield.org 0 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Generally my idea would be to take the pills than shoot myself afterwards, mainly the goal would be making me a hard case for paramedics, unable to figure out what to treat first.

I plan on blowing my brains out soon. in c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
[–] skymtf@pricefield.org 7 points 5 months ago (2 children)

When I was being abused by my dad, adults told me hey you'll be 18 one day. I'm an adult now, and fuck things actually got worse

I plan on blowing my brains out soon. in c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
[–] skymtf@pricefield.org 1 points 5 months ago

My plan is gonna take a while but I ever the intent is still there

I plan on blowing my brains out soon. in c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
[–] skymtf@pricefield.org -2 points 5 months ago

They deal with death everyday, it comes with the job. And also for the cops are fuck heads that harass black people and ruin people lives, they deserve to see a dead fucking body

I plan on blowing my brains out soon. in c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
[–] skymtf@pricefield.org 2 points 5 months ago (1 children)

I have nothing, no one will make me feel warm and safe and help me. That's the truth. I'm alone.

I plan on blowing my brains out soon. in c/mentalhealth@lemmy.world
[–] skymtf@pricefield.org -5 points 5 months ago (2 children)

Blaming HRT on someone being suicidal isn't science, that's not even fucking proven. Jesus Christ. Just cause it didn't help me doesn't mean it didn't help countless others fuck

1
I hate myself and I'll never have anything (pricefield.org)
 

Today I was scrolling social media and saw a trans gal who used to weigh 280 but now weighs 175 it reminds me that I'm 200 and raising (I don't have a scale currently) my HRT hasn't been working properly so I know that fat is going to masculine areas. Every time I inject I'm reminded what I'm doing is useless and my body will just raise my T or whatever the hell it's doing. I likely am just resistant to estrogen but I'll never know since I can't afford an endocrine doctor (maybe I should be on hrt if I can't afford that I don't whatever the fuck liberals (non leftist) say) I don't really have a community anymore, I'm set to have to move back to my hometown and I have nothing there. I just feel like my life never was worth living to start with but I feel like I've just lost interest in waiting and trying. 2 years ago I started HRT and my E levels are so off and on, it's never consistently working. I just feel like there isn't really any reason I want to be alive.

1
Why am I so ugly and can't stop binge eating. (pricefield.org)
 

I'm so ugly and It keeps getting worse since I binge eat, I just fucking hate myself. I keep eating and I know it's actively making me look more masculine. And feel worse.

27
Does anyone else have a personality type that's just incompatible with everyone (pricefield.org)
 

I feel like everyone eventually gets annoyed with me, and I just always end up alone. I loose all my friends, and Ive never really had a healthy loving partnership. I just feel hopeless

20
I keep injecting in the wrong spot and I don't know what I'm doing wrong. (pricefield.org)
 

I keep injecting into the wrong spot. Usually how I know is it feels harder to push the plunger down on the syringe. And I bleed a little upon removal. How I find the spot is I feel different spots on my leg to see if it flexs, I find the spot and mark it. Disinfect it and inject. Usually turns out fine but these past two times I've been bleeding and harder to press down the syringe (as stated) and I don't know what to do.

2
I feel like every photo of me is fake and I'm really awful looking when people see me in IRL (pricefield.org)
 

https://imgur.com/a/gd8lhZo

The first photo is what I think is closest to how people realistically see me as. I just feel like socially transitioning was a mistake, and maybe hrt can't help me. Keep in mind at the point that photo was taken I was a year and many months in.

0
How do you pick shades of makeup? (pricefield.org)
 

I live in the south so I am a bit nervous to ask for makeup help at a store here in boymode, but I do need to pick my shades correctly. Is there any phone apps to help with this?

1
When should I commit on projects? (pricefield.org)
 

I am currently working on a small project, and I am working on getting it functional, but I question when exactly should I make commits. I usually just do it when I am done with working on it, but I know in practical projects often times commits are for one specific thing but given the project does not even work yet what exactly do I do.

43
Why do apps build in Flutter lag horribly on my Pixel 6? (pricefield.org)
 

I have been dealing with stuttering apps whenever the app is built using flutter, I can't really explain this given no one else seems to have this issue. Is it that the pixel 6 is weak sauce, graphineOS or something else?

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