Jokes You Can Tell Your Mom

Just met my friend on the street crying his eyes out so I asked him what was wrong

He said "Today is the 2nd of the 2nd 2022 and I just turned 22 so I went to the bookies and put €222 on the second horse in the second race of the day.. It was at 2.22!"

"That all sounds great" I said, "What went wrong"?

"He came second".

Originally posted to Reddit by PhilipWaterford

When I lost my rifle, the army charged me $85.

That's why in the navy, the captain goes down with the ship.

Originally posted to Reddit by Alexharper051

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents.

They’re appalled by his haircut, tattoos and piercings.

The boy leaves and the girl’s mom remarks, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, come on Mom! If he wasn’t nice, would he be doing 300 hours of community service?”

Originally posted to Reddit by Butterflies_Books

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said “wow that’s an amazing car.”

My boss said: “If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.”

Originally posted to Reddit by joule2387

My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.

All i can do is a low ha.

Originally posted to Reddit by KarmicComic12334

I’m currently in a love triangle

I like this girl, this girl likes nobody, and nobody likes me.

Originally posted to Reddit by Iwasnotexpectingthat

I had a hen who could count her own eggs..

She was a mathmachicken.

Originally posted to Reddit by dirtybird971

A frog got his DNA test back. He's part Scottish, part Irish and a tad Pole.

Originally posted to Reddit by weaverl47

Operator: 911, whats your emergency?

Man: A guy just got hit by a car, i need an ambulance.

Operator: What’s your location?

Man: I’m on Eucalyptus Street.

Operator: Can you spell that out for me?

Man: (long awkward pause)

Operator: Sir? Are you there?

Man: I’m gonna drag him over to Pine Street and call right back.

Originally posted to Reddit by TheLegendHata

I called the bicycle factory and asked to speak to whoever was in charge of wheels. The person who answered said they weren’t there, so I asked, “Okay, who are you?” She responded...

“I'm his spokes person."

Originally posted to Reddit by 808gecko808

A millionaire was riding in his SUV when he saw a lady eating grass in a pasture near the road. Perturbed, he stopped his car and got out to check on her. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked her.

“I am very poor and do not have any money, so I have to eat grass“ the lady replied.

"Well then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the millionaire said.

"But sir, I have a husband and six children with me. They are over there, across the street.”

"Bring them along!“ the millionaire responded.

They all squeezed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as that SUV. Halfway to his house, one of the kids turned to the millionaire and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The millionaire replied, “Happy to do it. Y'all will LOVE my place; the grass is nearly a foot high!"

Originally posted to Reddit by kingeuphorix

my three favourite things are

eating my children and not using punctuation

Originally posted to Reddit by Rolaid-Tommassi

I just finished writing my book on penguins. It was very difficult and tiresome but I managed to finish it.

I should have probably taken my the advice from the publisher, friends and family to write it on paper to make it easier.

Originally posted to Reddit by willbeonekenobi

My son just asked me where poo comes from, I gave him a detailed explanation, where he then stood in stunned silence.

Then he asked, “What about Tigger?”

Originally posted to Reddit by Puzzleheaded-Scar589

A Vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on my door.

Before I could speak he tipped a bucket of dog poop over my carpet and said: "If this vacuum doesn't remove every trace of it, I'll personally eat what's left."

I replied: "I hope you're hungry because they cut off my electric this morning"

Originally posted to Reddit by Van_De_Lisme

At the skydiving training course, the instructor would take time to answer some of the First Timer Questions.

One guy asked: If our chute doesn't open... and the reserve doesn't open, how long do we have till we hit the ground? The instructor looked at him and in perfect deadpan answered: The rest of your life.

Originally posted to Reddit by gary6043

My dog ate a whole bag of Scrabble tiles.

I took him to the vet. No word yet.

Originally posted to Reddit by thehiddenone111

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?" The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream parlor.

"Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"

The boy licked his cone and replied:

"Because the day I take the dollar the game is over!"

Originally posted to Reddit by applegenius24

Professional Help

A woman hurried to a pharmacy to pick up the medication. When she got back to the car, she found her keys locked inside.

As she was frantically looking around she saw an old rusty coat hanger on the ground. She looked at it and said, "Thank you God! But I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her some help.

Within a few minutes an old motorcycle pulled up, driven by a bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag. He got off his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, "Yes, my husband is sick and needs this medication. I forgot my keys in the car, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was open.

She hugged the man and through tears said, "Thank you, God, for sending me such a very nice man."

The man heard her littler prayer and replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison yesterday; I was in prison for car theft."

The woman hugged the man again, sobbing, "Oh, thank you, God! You even sent me a professional!"

Originally posted to Reddit by shiviam

A parachutist jumps from a plane...

And after a few seconds he starts to panic because the ripcord isn't working as he continues to plummet to earth. Suddenly, he sees a dude going from the ground up and yells, "Hey, do you know anything about parachutes?" The other guy yells back, "No, do you know anything about gas stoves?"

Originally posted to Reddit by ValleyGrouch

My daughter wants a pet spider for her birthday

I went to the pet store, and the owner said "that'll be $200 please".

I said "$200? It'll be cheaper getting one off the web".

Originally posted to Reddit by AutumnalAristocrat

A cat owner invited their neighbor over for dinner and introduced their four cats. "That's Alogue, Aract, Erpillar, and Astrophe," they announced. The neighbor was surprised and asked, Where on Earth did you get those names?

Oh, those are their last names, the owner said. Their first names are Cat.

Originally posted to Reddit by 4BDUL4Z1Z

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.

"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the Salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him.

"What in the world is wrong with you?! You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied,

"I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Originally posted to Reddit by davva2004

A circus performer is driving home after a long day of training, when he is pulled over by a police officer for a broken light.

The officer looks in the car and sees a collection of knives in the backseat.

“Sir,” he says, “Why do you have all those knives?”

“They're for my juggling act,” the circus performer replies.

“I don’t believe you,” says the cop. “Prove it.” So the performer gets out of his car and begins juggling the knives flawlessly.

Just at that moment, a car with two guys in it drives by. "Wow,” says one to the other. “I’m glad I quit drinking. These new sobriety tests are hard.”

Originally posted to Reddit by CroakyPyrex

My date asked me to undress her with words.

I told her she has a spider in her bra.

Originally posted to Reddit by PixelatedNPC